Summers World Cup 2018 - Part I

What the hell, it's been a while.

I don't think any of our writers have posted since the last World Cup but to be honest that's because we thought Summers was closed.

Judging by their customer service, it is.

But the intrepid champions of the First Amendment here at Slumlog are going to try and relate the highs and the lows (if there's time) of World Cup coverage at Summers.

Summers Go Blues

People say that Summers  is no good
But I wouldn't cut you loose, Joe, if I could
Well, I seem to fall down on the ground,
Donna, I'm too far gone to turn around
If you would make up your strongest drink,
Take me where you go, I'm too drunk I really think

Summers, you got those come and go blues,
Summers, you got those come and go blues,
Yes, you do,Summers you got me feelin' like a fool

Jamming in Joe's Garage - Joe's Garage Part I

Summers isn't very large
There's no room to cram the bums
In the corner over by the George
He's five foot four
And a total bore
With a cheesy little tramp
He always gives me a cramp
You know he can't handle a bar
Because he can't see that far

Jamming in Joe's Garage - The Central Scrutinizer

This is Joe. I am the CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER...

It is my responsibility to enforce some of the laws some of the time for some of the patrons and all of the laws for all of the patrons none of the time and remind none of the patrons of none of the laws that none of them even know. I certainly can't be bothered to give customers a heads up about the things that I haven't told them I've made up and aren't even laws but I judge them on because I've tried to hide my insecurities behind ABC regulations and unsubstantiated customer feedback because I have a fear of engaging with customers since I don't want to listen to them. 

It is also my responsibility to alert each and every one of you to the potential consequences of various ordinary drinking activities you might be performing which could eventually lead to you getting banned from Summers or having extra beers added to your tab because I can't be bothered to hire decent help let alone teach them how to do their job because I am so focused on expenses I don't have time to care about customer service (or worry about your credit rating). 

Our drinking institutions are full of little creeps like Summers regulars who do wrong things...

and many of them were driven to these crimes by a horrible force called MUSIC! Our terrible Yelp reviews have shown that this horrible force is so dangerous to people walking by our establishment that more spurious made-up laws are being drawn up at this very moment to stop us playing music outside forever!

Customer Complaints - April 2017

There are a lot of customer complaints at Summers.

This one tickled our funny bone because it was made about someone that doesn't even work at Summers. There is a regular, let's call him Derek, who was in Summers one day to drink a couple of the cheapest beers in Arlington. He was wearing a dark shirt and sitting near the door and so he received complaints from customers because he didn't help seat everyone that walked in the door.

I find it ironic that both Joe and other shitty Summers staff couldn't wait to mention perceived problems to this Summers regular rather than noticing their own service shortcomings.

That is one of Joe's biggest management deficiencies, he would rather play the blame game and spread the criticism to customers and co-workers instead of making things better.

Wrestlemania at Summers

Another Wrestlemania, another chance to show how fake Summers' customer service is.

Once again, another Wrestlemania is upon us and once again Joe will prove that he doesn't know anything about business, running a bar, or what customer service even means.

Hardcore wrestling fans started showing up well before the published Wrestlemania start time of 6 P.M. They waited patiently in an increasingly crowded front room without wrestling coverage as Joe made excuses about why he wouldn't open the back room.

He didn't call anyone to come in early, he didn't put on wrestling coverage early and he certainly didn't come out and talk to his customers that were clearly showing their impatience.

We here at Slumlog have no sympathy for Joe and scoff at his handling of the situation and his disregard for the customers, especially since the same thing happened last year and the year before.

2017 Musical Interlude #3 - One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer

John Lee Hooker is just running through a list of everything Summers doesn't have in stock.

John Lee wouldn't have to repeat the chorus over and over if Joe just looked at his inventory and ordered ahead or even thought about what his customers wanted or drank on a regular basis.

People Watching

One of our main missions here at Slumlog is to make Summers a nicer place to hang so that we and other customers and even random passersby can come and in and enjoy themselves even for a brief period after work before they have to head to a home they would rather avoid, and we do that by calling Joe on his shenanigans and pointing out all the shortcomings of his servers and waitstaff.

But every once in a while w have to sit back and enjoy the glory that is Summers. First, we should appreciate the foot traffic that wanders, saunters, skips, runs, walks, plods, crawls, marches, meanders, bounces, drives, cycles,  hops, bops, clops, drops or struts by Summers.

The people watching at Summers, especially when the weather is good, is amazing.

It is a pity Joe hasn't done more to capitalize on the prime location.

Saint Patrick's Day at Summers

No luck of the Irish here.

No luck for anyone else either. Joe in all his infinite dumbness didn't learn from his mistakes on St. Patrick's Day last when amateur drinks decided to spend the day out and tried to go to Four Courts like everyone else in Arlington and couldn't get in there so they decided to go to the next closet bar which was right across the street and which happens to be Summers.

Summers was packed at peak St. Patrick's Day time and customers had to wait twice or three times as long as normal to get a drink. Joe should have doubled his staff or opened the Red Room.

It was just another day (& another St. Patrick's Day) when Joe proves he doesn't listen, he's incapable of learning from his mistakes and he doesn't really care about the customers that come to Summers.

Summers Limericks 2017 - #12

The big problem at Summers is the service
When I see George working I get nervous
It's not that he's that bad
He's just really sad
And to all the complaints he is impervious

Summers Limericks 2017 - #11

Today we got to see Slog1
After that drink she was done
We gleed
She fleed
And that's how to have fun

Summers Limericks 2017 - #10

It is the start of another March Madness
The total chaos at Summers brings sadness
Joe is unaware
George don't care
Why is there so much epic badness?

Summers Limericks 2017 - #9

It is just one more St. Patrick's Day
When all the amateurs come out to play
They drink like fish
Would leave I wish
All I ask is please get out of my way

Summers Limericks 2017 - #8

There once was a man from Malta

Thought nothing was ever his faulta

He couldn't spell

Customers did yell

Some threw shakers of salta

Summers Limericks 2017 - #7

Joe should probably check on Summers' beer tubes
Beer is always warm and could use some  ice cubes
Joe should also check the taps
What the hell happened to Pabst?
At least my beer glass doesn't have pubes

Summers Limericks 2017 - #6

A customer should never fear
This place will run out of beer
The beer may be warm
And may cause harm
But a new drink is always near

Summers Limericks 2017 - #5

There's not a single soul alive
Don' t know Summers is a dive
We all know its a hole
There's a lot of rigmarole
Yet Joe still seems to thrive

Summers Limericks 2017 - #4

Summers always runs out of beer
It is going to hell I hear
I go 'cause its near
My friends often jeer
I should stop going I fear

Summers Limericks 2017 - #3

Summers is a place I used to drink
A place I never used to think
Now it just sucks
I spend a few bucks
Hope I don't end up in the clink

Summers Limericks 2017 - #2

There once was a man named Jorge
Who couldn't make a drink anyway
He doesn't know spirits
He totally fears its
He's always asking "Porque?"