Summer Vacation: Day 39

I should have won the Norris Trophy last night. I am the best defenseman in the league, maybe in the history of the National Hockey League. I also hate Erik Karlsson and his stupid hair. My hair is better. But, you know what? Instead of complaining about it, I am going to go Red Velvet and stuff my face with cake.

Q & A With Mike Green

It is one of the privileges of being a bobble head superstar to be able to interview other superstar wannabes. Last Tuesday I was asked to interview the real Mike Green for Craps Extra in the free SExpress. Below are excerpts from our interview:

MGBH: How nice has it been to be back the last few games?

MG: Its been great. I don't actually play defense so its been pretty easy.

MGBH: How do you feel its going so far?

MG: It takes some time. I'm slow. And lazy. I've got to get my timing back and my feel and figure out where I can slack off and someone will still cover for me.

MGBH: What's the greatest hurdle for you to get back into the swing of things?

MG: The biggest hurdle is probably that I can't actually play hockey. The next biggest hurdle is probably that the team sucks this year and that makes me look bad.

MGBH: You know what else makes you look bad? You're talking to a bobble-head version of yourself.


[some mike green comments might have been paraphrased - ed.]

D-Fence

I know I've only been back for three games, but I can tell the game of hockey has already passed me by. The player I should be, the player I want to be and the player I am not is embodied in the person of Erik Karlsson. Man, can he ever play hockey.

Craps Fans

From Slumlogpedia, the free encyclopedia of total bullshit

Craps is a dice game in which bandwagon fans of the hockey team wager on the outcome of the roll, or the game they are pretending to watch because they're not really watching the hockey game because they're too busy hootin and hollerin or stylin and profilin to even know there's a fucking game on which they can't even see because their Dolce & Gabbana caps are slung so low over their bloodshoot eyes they can't even see the ice let alone the scoreboard and all the bling they're wearing apparently interferes with the radio reception of the in-house announcer who just explained what the fuck happened on the ice so quit jawin and pay attention and there's no need to holla at your idjit friend sitting right next to you for the 411 on what just hizzled on the izzle because your drunk ass can't focus on the game and your dumb ass doesn't know what the rules of the game are and nothing personal but were you raised in a fucking barn because your drunk dumb ass should know when to sit and when to stand and if your Mom saw you yellin and jellin like Magellen during the National Anthem she would wash your mouth out with soap so study the rules of the fucking game, know your limits and respect the presence of others. Its dumb idjits like you that give the rest of the bandwagon Craps fans a bad name.

Bashing Baseball Because It Blows

I (that's me) fucking (still doesn't express the true depth of the hatred) hate (really hate, i know hate is a strong word but i really really hate) baseball (stupidest sport ever). Its (it is) the (THE) most (ultimate, supreme, top, zenith, nth degree) boring (tedious for tedious sake) game (more like self water torture and endurance test to see just how much crap you can put up with) I've (i know i am not supposed to use contractions but it is a school night and i am not able to type fast enough) ever(EVER) seen (seen, heard, read, remembered). I'd (i would) rather (dan) watch (with me own eyes) golf (who saw the tiger woods scandal coming?) or (conjunction) bowling (duck pin or ten pin, i don't care just don't make me play baseball) on (ion, eye on) television (too bad steve jobs died because he was going to change television as we know it too). I (me, myself and i. can i get a De La Soul hell ya?) know (i dont know much) that (that hat hates fat) it (i called not it) is (bill clinton's definition of is) America's (good ole US of A, not North America America) past (pabst? remember when summers served pbr in a can?) time (time waits for no one), but (beavis and but) I (I Me Mine. Damn, the Beatles are overrated) don't (do not donut) understand (oversit) it (stupid stephen king novel). Eight (the great 8) out (through the in door) of (for the love of) the (the the) ten (decimal dewey) players (hate the game) stand (another stupid stephen king novel) around (you spin me) and (hand in glove) do (doo) jack (man i miss 24) shit (merde). And (starting a sentence in a blog post with a conjunction is a bigger fucking faux pas than) baseball games (people get paid to do this shit?) are (didn't use to be) so (so) fucking (totally fucking) long (still an understatement). Baseball (moneyball) is (it is!) the (tha) worst (worstest) sport (other sports are irate its even called a sport) ever (4eva) and (plus) yet (not spanglish for jet) Joe (the dumbass running the place into the fucking ground, right down there in the 7th circle of hell with baseball) continues (continually) to (2) show (its a fucking show!) baseball (there's a hall of fame for standing around doing nothing?) games (i would rather play clue or stratego) at (tention) Summers (a whole other circle of hell). If (my grammar is worse than baseball) you're (you are) going (going, gone) to be (or not to be) a sports bar (which you're not because you don't always show sports), and (and how) I've (i have) heard (i swear) rumors (i don't like to gossip) to (straight to the top) the (das) effect (effex) that (that is) Summers (sanders) is (or pretends to be) a (one single) sports (joe's definition of sports is broad) bar (sets the bar pretty low), show (showgirls) some (sum if you add it up) real (pretend would be fine) fucking (pretend would be fine here too) sports (give sports a sporting chance). NHL (naturally hotshit league) hockey (actual real sport) games (its not a game, its war) would (could should ought) be (or not bee) a (ahhhh) good (better than most) start (don't let your mouth write checks your ass cant cash) Joe.

Benny & The Winnipeg Jets

First, despite many rumours to the contrary, I am still very much alive. It just so happens that I did run home to Mom with my faux hawk between my legs when we lost early in the playoffs. Again. Plus, I wasn't that smart to begin with, I get by on my good looks, but I think I've had one too many concussions and I forgot where I was for a while.

I have nothing else to do because my team is not in the playoffs, so I've been following news around the league very closesly and I want to say I am glad the Thrashers are moving to Winnipeg. Atlanta is a terrbile city, and so is Winnipeg, but at least it is in Canada. And Canada is where hockey belongs.

Except for here in Washington of course.

Although we clearly don't know how to play hockey very well.

Top 10 Ways the Caps Can Get Better

10. Get a new goalie.
9. Get a new coach.
8. Get new badwagon fans.
7. Forget about bandwagon fans.
6. Get new fans.
5. Get better fans.
4. Get real fans.
3. Get real hokcey players.
2. Win a playoff series.
1. Stop saying this is the year.

Surprise!

Actually it should be no surprise we made an early exit from the NHL playoffs again. My team sucks, and honestly, a large portion of the blame lies with me. I suck. I can grow a fauxhawk and I can skate backwards, but I can't play defense and I can't win more than a single playoff series in a single year. Don't blame Coach for the loss, blame me.

Are You Ready For Some Hockey?

You had better be because we're going all the way this year. Well, before I get ahead of myself and etch my name on the Stanley Cup, let me give a shout out to my teammates because I haven't played in months and I have not contributed to the playoff run. Second, let me give a shout out to all the bandwagon Caps fans. Without bandwagon fans we wouldn't have fans. I know y'all don't know anything about hockey and only cheer for us because the Redskins suck, the Nationals are worse, and the Wizards make our playoff futility look like we're champions, but we appreciare the support. I mean if we had real hockey fans, y'all would know I don't actually play any defense. Third, thanks to all our bandwagon fans for rocking the red room and making Summers the best hockey bar in the area.

O Captain, My Alternate Captain

O Captain, My Alternate Captain, our fearful season is done.
Our team has weathered every rack, the prize we sought is won.

Well, not really, I mean we haven't even gotten to the Stanley Cup final, let alone won a Stanley Cup, but the point is they picked me as an alternate captain on Team Staal for the NHL All-Star game. They didn't pick Alex because he's having a terrible year and the hat trick the other night was too little, too late.

I'd also like to point out that Geno & Sid are being big cry babies and passing on the All-Star weekend all together. Well, la-di-da, you fucking amatuers. Its hockey. Grow up, play hurt and take it like a man you suckling little preemies.

New Year's Resolutions

If Summers was a person that could make resolutions, here are a few I would suggest:

1. Find A New Way to Attract Customers - Karaoke is passable, but Salsa dancing is a shitty idea. Especially when you started by charging for it. Find something that will actually draw new people in, not encourage Summers staff to dance on their break. Here's an idea, why don't you ask people that show up what they woud like?

2. Complete a Customer Survey - Summers is in the service industry and as such one of their goals should be to improve customer service, and once again, one way to do that would be by asking people that show up what they think rather than trying to figure it out by yourself in your deep dark dungeon.

3. Conduct a complete staff review - This review should also include comments from other staff members and patrons because we all know you only hire someone if you think the chick is hot. One of the problems that Summers has is many on the staff don't work hard, don't anticipate customer needs or don't even respond to customer needs once that need has been vocalized by some drunken bum in the back hollering about the fact that Summers has run out of beer.

4. Find Your Niche - Seriously you have 12 screens showing 12 different basketball games and you don't have anyone watching them, but you put one Caps game on and you get a bunch of Caps bandwagon fans. Bandwagon fans are good for business so you should figure out if you want to appeal to random basketball fans who may or may not gone to North Dakota State or appeal to hardcore hockey fans or other niche sports like you do with English Premiere League.