Showing posts with label Joe. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Joe. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
The Seven Habits of Highly Ineffective Bar Owners: Habit 3
Habit 3: Put First Things Last
Confuse the issue in your own mind and then don't tell employees what you're thinking and then evaluate their performance and compensation on ground rules you haven't even discussed with them. Avoid planning like the plague or avoid it like you avoid that customer who shows up like clockwork wearing their team gear and wants to see their team play on one of the many lo-def televisions that Summers. Use this opportunity to disappear into your dungeon for three hours and encourage the server to disappear to the light side because that's where the paying customers are. Execute the bar's tasks based on their least importance rather than urgency. Never evaluate your efforts but evaluate the efforts of others and criticize them for it even though you haven't explained the ground rules. Refuse to exemplify your desired character values and then betray them. Propel yourself towards the all-mighty dollar and don't worry about your goals or your employees goals. Remember that enriching roles and relationships with customers, staff and even your own family is for total losers.
Monday, August 6, 2012
The Seven Habits of Highly Ineffective Bar Owners: Habit 1
Habit 1: Be Reactive
React, react, react, and then overreact.If you want to be a completely useless and ineffective bar owner or manager, you need to react to past trends and overreact to customer and staff feedback. Javelin Joe at Summers is a shining exemplar of reaction and overreaction. He reacted well when he signed a non-exclusive contract to show the Olympics at Summers and he overreacted when he ordered ordered a million metres of blue electrical tape.
To make the most of your ineffectiveness, and completely bamboozle patrons and workers and confuse them beyond reasonable doubt, you must not only react, but overreact. Take what one customer says one time about one thing the one time they come in the establishment and make that a policy. Then change the policy when another customer comes in one other time and says something different. Remember not to tell regular customers or employees, because you want them to react too. It doesn't matter if the change in policy is four hours or twenty-four hours, you can't gauge people's reactions unless it a complete surprise.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Hard Times-- Book IV: The Whole Point
The whole point of the series of posts about Charles Dickens' "Hard Times" was to compare Hard Times Cafe & Summers to prove how much Hard Times rules & Summers sucks. I think that point was lost in the most convoluted drawn-out and boring series of blog posts ever posted on Slumlog.
The original moral of the story was that during the power outages in Northern Virginia a couple of weeks ago, the customer service that patrons received at Hard Times, which had no electricity, was better than the service that patrons receive on a regular basis at Summers, which usually has electricity.
As soon as the power went out in Alexandria, the wait staff and the manager on duty checked with each patron to see if they were okay and had no safety concerns. At Summers, one can't even get a server to check on patrons on a regular basis with the lights on and the clock ticking towards the end of happy hour. And since the power was out in Old Town, the point of sale systems didn't work, but allowances were made. At Summers, customers can't catch a break. I remember one time, at band camp, when a customer asked about their ticket with an off-hand comment about how they thought they had ordered the last beer before happy hour ended and the server said yeah, but I didn't ring it in until later, after happy hour ended.
!#@#$*&^%$? Don't understand? Play a game of Q*bert.
And it was hot as sh!t sitting next to the grill at Hard Times with no air conditioning, but the staff handled it with aplomb and made the best of a a bad situation. When it gets to be hot as sh!t at Summers, Joe turns down the lights and turns up whatever crappy radio station he has playing on the sound system.
The original moral of the story was that during the power outages in Northern Virginia a couple of weeks ago, the customer service that patrons received at Hard Times, which had no electricity, was better than the service that patrons receive on a regular basis at Summers, which usually has electricity.
As soon as the power went out in Alexandria, the wait staff and the manager on duty checked with each patron to see if they were okay and had no safety concerns. At Summers, one can't even get a server to check on patrons on a regular basis with the lights on and the clock ticking towards the end of happy hour. And since the power was out in Old Town, the point of sale systems didn't work, but allowances were made. At Summers, customers can't catch a break. I remember one time, at band camp, when a customer asked about their ticket with an off-hand comment about how they thought they had ordered the last beer before happy hour ended and the server said yeah, but I didn't ring it in until later, after happy hour ended.
!#@#$*&^%$? Don't understand? Play a game of Q*bert.
And it was hot as sh!t sitting next to the grill at Hard Times with no air conditioning, but the staff handled it with aplomb and made the best of a a bad situation. When it gets to be hot as sh!t at Summers, Joe turns down the lights and turns up whatever crappy radio station he has playing on the sound system.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Breaking Bad: Summers Menu Gets a Makeover
As a fake employee of this establishment, I want to start by saying I speak from a place of love in my heart. I love this place. I don't like being the door to the smoking side because it stinks, but I love the quiet. That being said, you can put lipt stick and a pearl necklace on a pig, but its still a fucking pig. Putting a new menu cover on the Summers menu isn't going to make the food taste any better or the service any more responsive. Where to start with the new design? I don't think I've ever seen a sandwich that good-looking at Summers. Hey, how do doin? If you look closely enough you can see where Joe cut out the sports graphics from Friday's free Express. Spend some money on the graphics Joe or nobody will ever take you seriously as a serious business owner (you might also want to proofread the inside of the menu for spelling mistakes because we all know King Menus Inc ain't no Google). If you look even more closely than that, you can see where Joe used scotch tape to make the photocopies. At least he didn't use blue tape. Thank god for small miracles, eh?
Thursday, February 23, 2012
I Am an Asshole
I thought I was just a regular Joe with a regular job. I like football and XXX and books about war. But sometimes, apparently, that just ain't enough to keep a man like me interested. No. No way. I've got to go out and have fun at someone else's expense. I drive really slow in the ultra fast lane. I also stand to the left on the escalators while people behind me are going insane.
Thanks to the Adrian Fenty look-alike at CVS that pointed out my hypocrisy to me.
I was waiting in line for the next available check-out at CVS when the DC mayor's doppelganger ran in and cut in front of me to use a self-checkout kiosk.
Not liking his stance on charter schools or his cutting in line, I called him on it.
He was all standoffish and aloof and like "Oh, it that how it works?"
I was all concerned and whiny and like "Yeah."
"Oh."
"I was waiting for the next available check out."
"Okay. Wow, you don't have to be an asshole about it."
"I'm not being an asshole, I've just been waiting."
"Okay. Fine. But you don't have to be an asshole."
So I went to the self-checkout kiosk and the Fake Fenty stood in line until the cashier directed him to the next self-checkout kisok (which was next to me) and he was all detached and haughty about it and said to the CVS cashier, "Are you sure? I don't want to be an asshole like that guy."
So we cashed out at the same time and left the store together (awkward) and he got in his double-parked car (explains his hurry).
The whole experience made me pause and reflect.
I've said some dumbass things at Summers. I've done some dumbass things at Summers. I've said some inappropriate things at Summers. I've probably done some illegal things at Summers. Never, no, not once, has any staff or patron called me an Asshole.
Which is just another one of those things I love about Summers.
I can be an asshole but nobody's going to call me on it.
Thanks to the Adrian Fenty look-alike at CVS that pointed out my hypocrisy to me.
I was waiting in line for the next available check-out at CVS when the DC mayor's doppelganger ran in and cut in front of me to use a self-checkout kiosk.
Not liking his stance on charter schools or his cutting in line, I called him on it.
He was all standoffish and aloof and like "Oh, it that how it works?"
I was all concerned and whiny and like "Yeah."
"Oh."
"I was waiting for the next available check out."
"Okay. Wow, you don't have to be an asshole about it."
"I'm not being an asshole, I've just been waiting."
"Okay. Fine. But you don't have to be an asshole."
So I went to the self-checkout kiosk and the Fake Fenty stood in line until the cashier directed him to the next self-checkout kisok (which was next to me) and he was all detached and haughty about it and said to the CVS cashier, "Are you sure? I don't want to be an asshole like that guy."
So we cashed out at the same time and left the store together (awkward) and he got in his double-parked car (explains his hurry).
The whole experience made me pause and reflect.
I've said some dumbass things at Summers. I've done some dumbass things at Summers. I've said some inappropriate things at Summers. I've probably done some illegal things at Summers. Never, no, not once, has any staff or patron called me an Asshole.
Which is just another one of those things I love about Summers.
I can be an asshole but nobody's going to call me on it.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Customer Service
Tonight I mistakenly answered a phone call from a number I didn't recognize.
Huge mistake.
Turns out it was a market research firm calling to get feedback about a vendor. There was the usual kerfuffle about we will see if you're qualified and you'll be compensated and yada yada yada, but I wasn't in any hurry so I decided to play along.
I should have know better.
One of the qualifying questions was do you: always often sometimes rarely never share your opinion with friends and family. Being so shy, I said rarely.
The lady on the phone was like really?
WTF?
I just got called out by a telemarketer.
Yes, really.
So she was like let me repeat the question, and you should really listen to the question this time. And do not interrupt me. Seriously now, when talking to your friends, I know you got friends right, you sound like a handsome fellow, and I know you're popular and you sure sounds smart, do you always often sometimes rarely never share your opinions about the stuff about which you are talking?
Okay, fine. Sometimes.
But the whole time I was thinking you called me to ask my opinion and you're giving me attitude? At which point I realized you were just like Joe. Joe wants me to come to his bar, he wants me to drink, he wants me to have a good time, but he'll still pull a serious attitude and treat me like shit.
Huge mistake.
Turns out it was a market research firm calling to get feedback about a vendor. There was the usual kerfuffle about we will see if you're qualified and you'll be compensated and yada yada yada, but I wasn't in any hurry so I decided to play along.
I should have know better.
One of the qualifying questions was do you: always often sometimes rarely never share your opinion with friends and family. Being so shy, I said rarely.
The lady on the phone was like really?
WTF?
I just got called out by a telemarketer.
Yes, really.
So she was like let me repeat the question, and you should really listen to the question this time. And do not interrupt me. Seriously now, when talking to your friends, I know you got friends right, you sound like a handsome fellow, and I know you're popular and you sure sounds smart, do you always often sometimes rarely never share your opinions about the stuff about which you are talking?
Okay, fine. Sometimes.
But the whole time I was thinking you called me to ask my opinion and you're giving me attitude? At which point I realized you were just like Joe. Joe wants me to come to his bar, he wants me to drink, he wants me to have a good time, but he'll still pull a serious attitude and treat me like shit.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
New Years Resolutions
I know its pretty fucking late to be making new years resolutions, but Santa didn't bring me a new computer for Christmas even though I asked so I had to go out and use all the money I was saving to buy food for the #OccupyDC people to buy a new computer.
Resolution 1 - Save more money. A good start would be not going to Summers every night.
Resolution 2 - Post to this blog more often. I know. I get it. I understand. Joe tries hard and he really means well. But the Mayans says the world is ending in 2012 so f' it. Its now or never and I should really tell Joe what I think of his shitty dive bar, his crappy food and his sub-par service. I know, I know, don't hate the player, hate the game. I don't hate the players. There are some good people at Summers. I do hate the game though. Joe can't treat employees well enough to get them to come into Summers on a week night at even though he has two bars open, he has one bartender.
Resolution 3 - Be nice. I'm just a Joe with a regular job. I'm your average white suburbanite slob. I like football and porno and books about war. I've been to Summers and danced on the fake hardwood floor. So sometimes I just get caught up in how Joe is running my favorite bar into the ground. I will do more to be nice in 2012.
Resolution 3B - Be more understanding. Summers is great, but Joe doesn't know the first thing about running a business. I need to understand that he doesn't know anything about marketing, customer service, engagement, listening, business or common sense.
Resolution 1 - Save more money. A good start would be not going to Summers every night.
Resolution 2 - Post to this blog more often. I know. I get it. I understand. Joe tries hard and he really means well. But the Mayans says the world is ending in 2012 so f' it. Its now or never and I should really tell Joe what I think of his shitty dive bar, his crappy food and his sub-par service. I know, I know, don't hate the player, hate the game. I don't hate the players. There are some good people at Summers. I do hate the game though. Joe can't treat employees well enough to get them to come into Summers on a week night at even though he has two bars open, he has one bartender.
Resolution 3 - Be nice. I'm just a Joe with a regular job. I'm your average white suburbanite slob. I like football and porno and books about war. I've been to Summers and danced on the fake hardwood floor. So sometimes I just get caught up in how Joe is running my favorite bar into the ground. I will do more to be nice in 2012.
Resolution 3B - Be more understanding. Summers is great, but Joe doesn't know the first thing about running a business. I need to understand that he doesn't know anything about marketing, customer service, engagement, listening, business or common sense.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
The Second Day of Christmas
On the second day of Christmas, Joe gave to me two different fish specials and a bartender in a pear tree.
Two different fish specials in the same week? Joe should go back to reading the Yelp reviews so that he knows the fish specials aren't so special in the first place. We also all know that he has trouble pulling customers in through the front door, so his brilliant strategy is to give them more of the same? There are better food items and Joe should think about letting his customers know what else is available.
Garbage Salad and Russian Trashcan Tuesday would be a good start.
Two different fish specials in the same week? Joe should go back to reading the Yelp reviews so that he knows the fish specials aren't so special in the first place. We also all know that he has trouble pulling customers in through the front door, so his brilliant strategy is to give them more of the same? There are better food items and Joe should think about letting his customers know what else is available.
Garbage Salad and Russian Trashcan Tuesday would be a good start.
Monday, December 26, 2011
The First Day of Christmas
On the first day of Christmas, Joe gave to me a bartender in a pear tree.
And I wasn't stuck in the pear tree with them so I couldn't get them to serve me a beer (the entire supply of which was hanging from another branch in the pear tree)and they were deathly afraid of heights so I couldn't get them to even come over to talk to me so that I could order a beer. Merry fucking Christmas to me.
And I wasn't stuck in the pear tree with them so I couldn't get them to serve me a beer (the entire supply of which was hanging from another branch in the pear tree)and they were deathly afraid of heights so I couldn't get them to even come over to talk to me so that I could order a beer. Merry fucking Christmas to me.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Slummers Advent Calendar - Day 21
55 mph speed limit. Because Sammy Hagar can't drive 55 and Samii can't bartend.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Slummers Advent Calendar - Days 1-20
Day 1 - I don't care what's behind Door 1 because I need a fucking personal assistant to remind me to post to this blog more than once every six weeks.
Day 2 - A marketing campaign. That's no use, Joe already knows everything there is to know about marketing Summers.
Day 3 - A decent bartender. Summers has some good bartenders already, but the place is open seven days a week and there are sometimes customers there everyday.
Day 4 - Blue electrical tape. Joe can never have enough.
Day 5 - A Big Daddy. Although its kinda gross because it was packaged up in this advent calendar when Joe started the promotion a couple of weeks ago.
Day 6 - Whiteboard menus. Joe changes the menus often enough that it would just be easier if he could wipe them all clean rather than reprinting them (with errors).
Day 7 - #summersrestaurantandsportsbar hashtag. Its a long fucking hashtag, but Joe has jumped in with both feet to the social media pool and Summers is BLOWING UP on Twitter. Watch out Ashton and Lady Gaga, Joe's tweets are off the hook.
Day 8 - A pint of Yuengling. You can never go wrong with a cold beer. Great gift.
Day 9 - A good Yelp review. I don't know who wrote it, but its very very rare and worth a lot of money.
Day 10 - A universal remote. Excellent. Joe could always use another remote because he only has one for the 60 HD tvs in Summers (maybe that's why it takes so long to get my game on the hd television (which isn't really hd)).
Day 11 - Stainless steel bucket. Must be for Sonny.
Day 12 - A can of Resolve. Might be for Sonny, but someone sure as hell needs to clean the carpet again.
Day 13 - Moldy Tiles. Summers has enough of those already but the more the merrier.
Day 14 - A dead parrot. Hey Cap'n Sam, did you take what was in here and leave your dead parrot here?
Cap'n Sam: Its not dead, its resting. Look.
Me: Look my favorite karaoke DJ, I know a dead parrot when I see one.
Cap'n Sam: No, no, its resting.
Me: Okay, if its resting, I will wake it up. HELLO POLLY!
Cap'n Sam: There, it moved.
Me: No, that was you pushing the advent calendar.
Cap'n Sam: Its stunned.
Me: No, I've had enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased.
Day 15 - Crumpled-up customer surveys. Looks like Joe never read these.
Day 16 - Alex Ovechkin's mojo. No wonder he hasn't been scoring.
Day 17 - A Spa Finder gift certificate. Thanks, but who needs a gift certificate when you can get free unsolicited backrubs from Red Room patrons?
Day 18 - $100. So this is where Joe hid the money for the Salsa dancing contest.
Day 19 - A vuvuzela. Awesome! Wait, I almost forgot how annoying they are. I will have to regift this. By odd coincidence, I do need to get something for Slog1.
Day 20 - A candy cane.
Day 2 - A marketing campaign. That's no use, Joe already knows everything there is to know about marketing Summers.
Day 3 - A decent bartender. Summers has some good bartenders already, but the place is open seven days a week and there are sometimes customers there everyday.
Day 4 - Blue electrical tape. Joe can never have enough.
Day 5 - A Big Daddy. Although its kinda gross because it was packaged up in this advent calendar when Joe started the promotion a couple of weeks ago.
Day 6 - Whiteboard menus. Joe changes the menus often enough that it would just be easier if he could wipe them all clean rather than reprinting them (with errors).
Day 7 - #summersrestaurantandsportsbar hashtag. Its a long fucking hashtag, but Joe has jumped in with both feet to the social media pool and Summers is BLOWING UP on Twitter. Watch out Ashton and Lady Gaga, Joe's tweets are off the hook.
Day 8 - A pint of Yuengling. You can never go wrong with a cold beer. Great gift.
Day 9 - A good Yelp review. I don't know who wrote it, but its very very rare and worth a lot of money.
Day 10 - A universal remote. Excellent. Joe could always use another remote because he only has one for the 60 HD tvs in Summers (maybe that's why it takes so long to get my game on the hd television (which isn't really hd)).
Day 11 - Stainless steel bucket. Must be for Sonny.
Day 12 - A can of Resolve. Might be for Sonny, but someone sure as hell needs to clean the carpet again.
Day 13 - Moldy Tiles. Summers has enough of those already but the more the merrier.
Day 14 - A dead parrot. Hey Cap'n Sam, did you take what was in here and leave your dead parrot here?
Cap'n Sam: Its not dead, its resting. Look.
Me: Look my favorite karaoke DJ, I know a dead parrot when I see one.
Cap'n Sam: No, no, its resting.
Me: Okay, if its resting, I will wake it up. HELLO POLLY!
Cap'n Sam: There, it moved.
Me: No, that was you pushing the advent calendar.
Cap'n Sam: Its stunned.
Me: No, I've had enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased.
Day 15 - Crumpled-up customer surveys. Looks like Joe never read these.
Day 16 - Alex Ovechkin's mojo. No wonder he hasn't been scoring.
Day 17 - A Spa Finder gift certificate. Thanks, but who needs a gift certificate when you can get free unsolicited backrubs from Red Room patrons?
Day 18 - $100. So this is where Joe hid the money for the Salsa dancing contest.
Day 19 - A vuvuzela. Awesome! Wait, I almost forgot how annoying they are. I will have to regift this. By odd coincidence, I do need to get something for Slog1.
Day 20 - A candy cane.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Top 10 Crimes & Misdeamnors
10. Tipping your bartender $1.
9. Trying to watch your game on tv.
8. Walking through the kitchen on UFC night.
7. Substituting rice for fries.
6. Trying to order a last happy hour beer.
5. Disagreeing with the Foursquare mayor.
4. Expexting more from Summers.
3. Questioning Joe's business decisions.
2. Complaining about the service.
1. Skipping out on your bill.
9. Trying to watch your game on tv.
8. Walking through the kitchen on UFC night.
7. Substituting rice for fries.
6. Trying to order a last happy hour beer.
5. Disagreeing with the Foursquare mayor.
4. Expexting more from Summers.
3. Questioning Joe's business decisions.
2. Complaining about the service.
1. Skipping out on your bill.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Sammi Says
Sammi, don't forget about us, don't baby, don't baby, don't let it go, don't baby, don't baby, don't forget about us. Don't baby, don't baby, don't baby you know, forget about your customers. I know Joe is tbe situation, but do your job.I thought we were bigger than this, I thought I was bigger than this but details don't matter when we pay the price for your complete disregard for customer service.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Phoreign Aphairs
Let's phace phacts, Summers ain't the only game in town. Summers ain't even in the only town. Here at Slumlog, its our duty duty to phigure out what other games are out there and what our towns might be out there.
To that end, we sent beat reporter Phineas Phogg to Philadelphia.
Here is the story Phineas philed:
There are many bars in Philadelphia. Most of them are phantastic. I didn't get to go to as many bars as I hoped because the stipend was pitiphul and my sample size was small, but here's what I learned. It doesn't matter how bartenders are dressed. You can put liptsick on a pig or corporate gear on a server, but unless the service is good it don't make no difference no how. Good tunes make a big dipherence too. Good beer helps, but good prices help more. Good phood is a must, but Philly is the land of cheese steaks and has an unphair advantage over Arlington which is the land of Summers sliders. I didn't get to see as many places as I wanted but I saw quite a phew and if there's one thing I phound, its that Summers has a long way to go to pheel more like a real bar and Joe has a lot to phigure out to make that happen.
To that end, we sent beat reporter Phineas Phogg to Philadelphia.
Here is the story Phineas philed:
There are many bars in Philadelphia. Most of them are phantastic. I didn't get to go to as many bars as I hoped because the stipend was pitiphul and my sample size was small, but here's what I learned. It doesn't matter how bartenders are dressed. You can put liptsick on a pig or corporate gear on a server, but unless the service is good it don't make no difference no how. Good tunes make a big dipherence too. Good beer helps, but good prices help more. Good phood is a must, but Philly is the land of cheese steaks and has an unphair advantage over Arlington which is the land of Summers sliders. I didn't get to see as many places as I wanted but I saw quite a phew and if there's one thing I phound, its that Summers has a long way to go to pheel more like a real bar and Joe has a lot to phigure out to make that happen.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Monday Bloody Mary Monday
I can't believe the news today
I can't close my eyes
Because the bartender will go away
How long...
How long must I wait for a drink
Broken bottles under patron's cars
Empty glasses strewn across both of the bars
But my bartender won't heed my call
I just want another Bloody Mary
Puts my back up against the Red Room wall
Monday, Bloody Mary Monday
It doesn't help it was about the worst Bloody Mary I've ever had. No taste, no spice, no accoutrements. I know the mid-day schedule at Summers sucks but that doesn't mean that your drinks should. Make me a decent drink and I might come back. Don't take Joe's inability to bring in customers out on me.
I can't close my eyes
Because the bartender will go away
How long...
How long must I wait for a drink
Broken bottles under patron's cars
Empty glasses strewn across both of the bars
But my bartender won't heed my call
I just want another Bloody Mary
Puts my back up against the Red Room wall
Monday, Bloody Mary Monday
It doesn't help it was about the worst Bloody Mary I've ever had. No taste, no spice, no accoutrements. I know the mid-day schedule at Summers sucks but that doesn't mean that your drinks should. Make me a decent drink and I might come back. Don't take Joe's inability to bring in customers out on me.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Bashing Baseball Because It Blows
I (that's me) fucking (still doesn't express the true depth of the hatred) hate (really hate, i know hate is a strong word but i really really hate) baseball (stupidest sport ever). Its (it is) the (THE) most (ultimate, supreme, top, zenith, nth degree) boring (tedious for tedious sake) game (more like self water torture and endurance test to see just how much crap you can put up with) I've (i know i am not supposed to use contractions but it is a school night and i am not able to type fast enough) ever(EVER) seen (seen, heard, read, remembered). I'd (i would) rather (dan) watch (with me own eyes) golf (who saw the tiger woods scandal coming?) or (conjunction) bowling (duck pin or ten pin, i don't care just don't make me play baseball) on (ion, eye on) television (too bad steve jobs died because he was going to change television as we know it too). I (me, myself and i. can i get a De La Soul hell ya?) know (i dont know much) that (that hat hates fat) it (i called not it) is (bill clinton's definition of is) America's (good ole US of A, not North America America) past (pabst? remember when summers served pbr in a can?) time (time waits for no one), but (beavis and but) I (I Me Mine. Damn, the Beatles are overrated) don't (do not donut) understand (oversit) it (stupid stephen king novel). Eight (the great 8) out (through the in door) of (for the love of) the (the the) ten (decimal dewey) players (hate the game) stand (another stupid stephen king novel) around (you spin me) and (hand in glove) do (doo) jack (man i miss 24) shit (merde). And (starting a sentence in a blog post with a conjunction is a bigger fucking faux pas than) baseball games (people get paid to do this shit?) are (didn't use to be) so (so) fucking (totally fucking) long (still an understatement). Baseball (moneyball) is (it is!) the (tha) worst (worstest) sport (other sports are irate its even called a sport) ever (4eva) and (plus) yet (not spanglish for jet) Joe (the dumbass running the place into the fucking ground, right down there in the 7th circle of hell with baseball) continues (continually) to (2) show (its a fucking show!) baseball (there's a hall of fame for standing around doing nothing?) games (i would rather play clue or stratego) at (tention) Summers (a whole other circle of hell). If (my grammar is worse than baseball) you're (you are) going (going, gone) to be (or not to be) a sports bar (which you're not because you don't always show sports), and (and how) I've (i have) heard (i swear) rumors (i don't like to gossip) to (straight to the top) the (das) effect (effex) that (that is) Summers (sanders) is (or pretends to be) a (one single) sports (joe's definition of sports is broad) bar (sets the bar pretty low), show (showgirls) some (sum if you add it up) real (pretend would be fine) fucking (pretend would be fine here too) sports (give sports a sporting chance). NHL (naturally hotshit league) hockey (actual real sport) games (its not a game, its war) would (could should ought) be (or not bee) a (ahhhh) good (better than most) start (don't let your mouth write checks your ass cant cash) Joe.
Monday, October 24, 2011
The Summers People
I love Summers, but Joe, you have got to pick a fucking identity for your bar. I don't want to get off on a rant here, but you can't be the urban cowboy, the decontruction worker, the bandwagon Caps fan, the native American, the pretend Canadian, the javelin thrower, the anal-retentive Arlington traffic cop, the Father Confessor, the ascot-wearing professor, the hells angel biker, the DC United Striker, an Appalachain Trail hiker, the disgruntled music critic, the ceiling tile repairman, the pirate masquerading as a deejay or the patron mesquerading as a satisfied customer to everyone at the same time. If you're a sports bar, show fucking sports. Don't make people wait to see the World Series game, Monday Night Football, a hockey game or any other sporting event. If you're a dive bar, don't make people wait for drinks. Make sure there's enough staff so people can get a drink. If you're a dance club, play some fucking music that people can dance to, like Heroin or Sister Ray.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
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