Summer Vacation: Day 4

Time to find a barber. Today.

I need to ixnay the fauxhawk. Only Stanley Cup winners and rock stars wear fauxhawks. I am neither.

Summer Vacation: Day 2

Time to figure out what the fuck restricted free agency is.

I become a restricted free agent on July 1, but I certainly don't want to be restricted to playing in Washington again. Coach just quit and this team can't past the second round of the NHL playoffs.

Sure, I'll miss Cafe Asia and riding my Vespa to practice, but I want to play on a team that can win.

Summer Vacation: Day 1

Mike Green Bobblehead here. I just wanted to let you know that I will be keeping a daily summer vacation diary here on Slumlog so that all the Greeniacs and every member of Green's Gang know what I am doing on my summer vacation.

Sure our playoff run ended early, but that just gives me more time blog and to connect with my fans. When we win the Stanley Cup next year you all will be able to look back and know exactly how we did it because I will document every single step of that process in this blog. You may be able to take the knowledge and apply it to your own Stanley Cup playoff run.

Day 1 of summer vacation started off with a bang because Coach quit.

An excellent way to build a solid foundation for next year.

Seminal Moment

I told Alexander Semin Bobble Head to stop taking so many stupid people penalties and look what happens. We win a second round playoff game for the first time in recent memory. I told Ovechkin Bobble Head to stop going out so much at night and just shoot the puck during games and look what happens. We win a second round playoff game for the first time in recent memory. With all the sage advice I give my bobble head teammates, I should be wearing the C. I should be the captain of this fucking team and not some rowdy Russian.

I Guarantee It

Between periods I just thought I would send a note to every member of Green's Gang to let y'all know that I guarantee we will win the Stanley Cup this year. Go Caps.

Caps Fans Do Exist

I didn't know that the Caps had any fans left, let alone fans of color. Hell, I've only been back for five games and I'm rusty. I gave the puck away in my own zone and I almost scored an own goal tonight. Despite that, there are still hockey fans in the Washington metropolitan area apparently.

I've only been to Summers once because I heard Jerry Seinfeld watched the Tour De France there once, but I know Clinton Yates is a fan of Summers so check out his piece: http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/im-a-black-hockey-fan-we-do-exist/2012/02/27/gIQAa7MHnR_story.html

The Grinch Who Stole Customers

Every Drinker
Down in Drinker-ville
Liked Happy Hour a lot...

But Joe,
Who lived just North of Who-ville,
Did NOT!

Joe hated Happy hour! The whole happy hour equation!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

Or it could have been that he was getting nervous
Because his deplorable level of customer service
That was making customers insane
While they waited in vain
And it was never quite clear
When they would get they're next beer

But, Whatever the reason, His heart or his turn signal blinkers,
He stood there on Happy hour Eve, hating the inebriated drinkers,
Staring down from his cave with a sour, Grinchy frown
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For he knew every Drinker down in Drinker-ville beneath
Was busy now, hanging a mistleoe wreath.

"And they're hanging their empty beers!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow will have another happy hour! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his grinch fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep Happy Hour from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...

Q & A With Mike Green

It is one of the privileges of being a bobble head superstar to be able to interview other superstar wannabes. Last Tuesday I was asked to interview the real Mike Green for Craps Extra in the free SExpress. Below are excerpts from our interview:

MGBH: How nice has it been to be back the last few games?

MG: Its been great. I don't actually play defense so its been pretty easy.

MGBH: How do you feel its going so far?

MG: It takes some time. I'm slow. And lazy. I've got to get my timing back and my feel and figure out where I can slack off and someone will still cover for me.

MGBH: What's the greatest hurdle for you to get back into the swing of things?

MG: The biggest hurdle is probably that I can't actually play hockey. The next biggest hurdle is probably that the team sucks this year and that makes me look bad.

MGBH: You know what else makes you look bad? You're talking to a bobble-head version of yourself.


[some mike green comments might have been paraphrased - ed.]

Breaking Bad: Summers Menu Gets a Makeover

As a fake employee of this establishment, I want to start by saying I speak from a place of love in my heart. I love this place. I don't like being the door to the smoking side because it stinks, but I love the quiet. That being said, you can put lipt stick and a pearl necklace on a pig, but its still a fucking pig. Putting a new menu cover on the Summers menu isn't going to make the food taste any better or the service any more responsive. Where to start with the new design? I don't think I've ever seen a sandwich that good-looking at Summers. Hey, how do doin? If you look closely enough you can see where Joe cut out the sports graphics from Friday's free Express. Spend some money on the graphics Joe or nobody will ever take you seriously as a serious business owner (you might also want to proofread the inside of the menu for spelling mistakes because we all know King Menus Inc ain't no Google). If you look even more closely than that, you can see where Joe used scotch tape to make the photocopies. At least he didn't use blue tape. Thank god for small miracles, eh?

I Am an Asshole

I thought I was just a regular Joe with a regular job. I like football and XXX and books about war. But sometimes, apparently, that just ain't enough to keep a man like me interested. No. No way. I've got to go out and have fun at someone else's expense. I drive really slow in the ultra fast lane. I also stand to the left on the escalators while people behind me are going insane.

Thanks to the Adrian Fenty look-alike at CVS that pointed out my hypocrisy to me.

I was waiting in line for the next available check-out at CVS when the DC mayor's doppelganger ran in and cut in front of me to use a self-checkout kiosk.

Not liking his stance on charter schools or his cutting in line, I called him on it.

He was all standoffish and aloof and like "Oh, it that how it works?"

I was all concerned and whiny and like "Yeah."

"Oh."

"I was waiting for the next available check out."

"Okay. Wow, you don't have to be an asshole about it."

"I'm not being an asshole, I've just been waiting."

"Okay. Fine. But you don't have to be an asshole."

So I went to the self-checkout kiosk and the Fake Fenty stood in line until the cashier directed him to the next self-checkout kisok (which was next to me) and he was all detached and haughty about it and said to the CVS cashier, "Are you sure? I don't want to be an asshole like that guy."

So we cashed out at the same time and left the store together (awkward) and he got in his double-parked car (explains his hurry).

The whole experience made me pause and reflect.

I've said some dumbass things at Summers. I've done some dumbass things at Summers. I've said some inappropriate things at Summers. I've probably done some illegal things at Summers. Never, no, not once, has any staff or patron called me an Asshole.

Which is just another one of those things I love about Summers.

I can be an asshole but nobody's going to call me on it.