Choking Hazard

I'm still haunted by the way we choked in the NHL playoffs last year. My psyche is fragile and I still haven't recovered and my personal stats prove it, so I hope the Oregon Sucks don't choke tonight.

This is their chance on the national stage and as much as I hate them because Ducks have been tarnished as a team mascot since Joshua Jackson (I'm still haunted by his performance in the Dawson's Creek series finale) and the Anaheim Mighty Ducks ruined the name forever lo those many years ago.

I also like Cam Newton because it makes me think of fig newtons.

Hanging Chad

I know this blog doesn't have friends, let alone loyal friends, yeah I'm looking at you in the mirror and yeah I'm looking at you Oregon alums, you who finally got into the BCS and forgot who your real friend was, but that doesn't matter right now because I'm not talking about you, I'm just saying that if we did have one loyal friend it would be our fellow ex-pat Canadian Chad "Hell of a Hat" Meadows. Happy Birthday you Saskatchewan-is-what-you-get-ewan wannabe, but this post isn't about you, you're so vain.

The hanging chad referenced in the title is the hanging chad on the ballot that Mean Joe Green used to tally the success of Salsa Night. I've said it before on these hallowed pages, I'm here to watch sports and chat with friends (cheapest beer in arlington helps) and couldn't give a rat's ass about your salsa night.

And then I have to pay a $5 cover charge to even get into the Red Room? Are you fucking kidding me? The Red Room is the most smoke-filled den of inequity in Arlington and I have to pay you to fill my lungs with smoke and moldy tile particles?

And then you have the cajones ($4 cajones 4PM-7PM on salsa night) to tell me that I should show up on salsa night because it was so successful? Are you fucking kidding me, again? Just because you have more than three people in the Red Room on any given weekenight doesn't mean it is successful. Sure, you may have more people in the Red Room than usual, but they're not buying beer and you're pissing off everyone else in the joint, including the bartenders who don't get tips on water. Just fyi.

Come on Joe, don't bullshit a bullshitter.

Don't tell me what you think I want to hear, because I certainly don't want to hear salacious secrets about salsa night. Know your audience, know your customers, and really, at this point, you should really know better.

Unusually Frightening Couplets

Breaker, Breaker, I got a new tattoo and I look like a trucker
I had a bad day at work, this chick in my office is a fucker

Bedazzler, Bedazzler, I will not watch Pirhana in 3D
I don't need to watch a fish devour a human pee-pee

Oregon, Oregon, I'll come to Summers to watch my Ducks
But all the teams are better than us which totally sucks

Kid A, Kid A, stop copying other peoples' work
Seriously, it makes you look like a total jerk

Mya, Mya, seriously why are you still a bartender?
Where is Elvis Presely, so he can return to sender?

Peroni, Peroni, I know you're special, but why do they still have a keg?
Seriously Joe, get rid of that crap, please don't make me beg.

Red room, red room, don't you wish you were green?
Joe should return things to the way they've always been