Joe's in the basement
Mixing up the medicine
You wanna know the truth?
Joe was stapling the booth
Because he sure as hell
Doesn't pay well
That's why the place is empty
Terry's on the pavement
Thinking about the government
Maya in the trench coat
Booty out, laid off
Says she's got a bad cough
Wants to punch you in the face
Look out kid A
It's somethin' you did
Gino knows when
Gino says you're doin' it again
You better duck down the alley way
But watch out for the iron gate
Lookin' for a new friend
The man in the lederhosen
Wavin' the German flag
Wants eleven dollar bills
You only got ten.
Sonny comes fleet foot
Face full of black soot
Talkin' that the heat put
Something in his bucket
The pay phone's tapped anyway
Then Joe took it completely away
Maya says that many say
I think they busted me in early May
Orders from the DA
Look out kid A
Don't matter what you did
Walk on your tip toes
Don't try, 'No Doz'
And stay away from picklebacks
You hear Guy Fieri likes Nickelback?
Keep a clean nose
Watch the plain clothes
You don't need a weather man
To know which way the wind blows.
But it doesn't blow in the Red room
Which is why there's so much smoke
That British guy can't take a joke
We should learn just to poke
Mr. Ascot in the eye
Get sick, get well
Hang around an ink well
Ring bell, hard to tell
If anything is goin' to sell
That's why the menu changes
Almost every other day
Specials, happy hour prices
Just some of the devices
Joe uses to baffle his customers
Try hard, get barred
Not allowed in the Red Room
Get back, write Braille
Get jailed, jump bail
Go to Jerry's subs when you fail
Look out kid A
You're gonna get hit
By users, cheaters
And six-time losers
Hang around the Courthouse theaters
Girl by the Margarita pool
Lookin' for a new fool
Don't follow leaders
Watch the parkin' meters.
Because they charge an arm and a fucking leg for a parking ticket in Arlington.
Showing posts with label Mya. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mya. Show all posts
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Monday, August 29, 2011
Classic
Classic Joe.
The going away party was supposed to start at 7 and the doors weren't even open until 7:10.
Plus, there wasn't even anyone there for the first half hour because nobody had seen the one sign taped to the wall on the side of one of the stalls in the mens room on the light side. Don't get me wrong, I did not like working with Mya but she's worked here for a long time and the best you can do is put up a flyer on the wall in the toilet?
I shudder to think what will happen to me when you take me off my hinges and sell me for scrap.
And the food was a long time in coming. It was supposed to be complimentary but it wasn't available until about twenty o'clock which isn't much of a compliment.
And for Christ's sake, Mya bought more drinks than you did Joe and it was her fucking going away party. That's poor form and shows a blatant disrepect for your employees.
How the hell are you going to get a decent bartender to work the red room if you don't respect them and you won't love them in the morning?
The going away party was supposed to start at 7 and the doors weren't even open until 7:10.
Plus, there wasn't even anyone there for the first half hour because nobody had seen the one sign taped to the wall on the side of one of the stalls in the mens room on the light side. Don't get me wrong, I did not like working with Mya but she's worked here for a long time and the best you can do is put up a flyer on the wall in the toilet?
I shudder to think what will happen to me when you take me off my hinges and sell me for scrap.
And the food was a long time in coming. It was supposed to be complimentary but it wasn't available until about twenty o'clock which isn't much of a compliment.
And for Christ's sake, Mya bought more drinks than you did Joe and it was her fucking going away party. That's poor form and shows a blatant disrepect for your employees.
How the hell are you going to get a decent bartender to work the red room if you don't respect them and you won't love them in the morning?
Friday, August 26, 2011
That's Not A Going Away Party...
... this is a going away party. I have to say that Mya has not been one of my favourite co-workers but Joe has done his usual piss-poor job of organizing a special event and then not actually telling anyone about it. I've not enjoyed working with Mya but I have to say that she deserves a better going away party than being cooped up in the Red Room with a bunch of fucking losers, I mean regulars, I mean friends of hers. I'm not one, but I know she has friends and someone needs to do a better job of inviting people to the event (everyone's invited, unlike most nights at summers when nobody is invited and people are actually turned away at the door because joe doesn't want customers) than putting one sign on the back wall of the ladies room (yeah, im a man but i had to go real bad and the sign on the red room door warned me that the door wouldn't lock). Speaking of real bad, I want one of those House Brand Cocktails real bad, because if Summers is making its own booze I gotta taste some of that and hell I'd work the still out back just to get a taste. And they better be good cacktails because if there's one thing that Mya does do well it is make a good cocktail. I am hoping for the best even though Joe's track record ain't too good because as much as it pains me to say it, Mya deserves better. And that snack food better be fucking complimentary to me because I just polished up the old door stop and I am looking damn fine.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
Gold Cup Quatrains
Its not exactly World Cup Haikus, but its all I got.
Gold Cup is a time to watch the U.S. play soccer
To put on my game Joe goes to the dungeon
Mya's working the bar and I like to mock her
She's not that bad, I'm just a curmudgeon
Gold Cup is a time to watch the U.S. play soccer
To put on my game Joe goes to the dungeon
Mya's working the bar and I like to mock her
She's not that bad, I'm just a curmudgeon
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Babylon Summers
There is a great Bob Marley song called 'Babylon System'. I am not a Bob Marley expert and I don't know much about reggae music, but to my knowledge, it is the only song that Bob Marley wrote about Summers.
The song opens with an indication that we refuse to be what you wanted us to be; which is clearly a statement that Summers patrons aren't salsa dancers, nor are they willing to pay a cover charge to salsa dance, nor are they willing to show up in any numbers even if a trophy and a cash prize are offered.
Perhaps all the patrons knew that those artifacts of Babylon would later be taken away and they would be denied entrance to Zion.
The second stanza lets everyone know that Babylon Summers is the vampire and it has been feasting on the children day by day. The great thing about Bob Marley's music is that this could mean anything. It could mean Joe sucks the patience out of Summers customers by having the same terrible customer serice representatives day after day. It could also mean that Mya looks like a vampire and she feasts on the blood of her victims.
The third stanza recalls the Summers patrons who have been treading on the winepress much too long. More importantly, it also remembers that Summers patrons have been taken for granted much too long.
Joe, you can't educate I.
Joe, you can't deceive continually.
Joe, tell your patrons the truth.
Joe, tell your patrons before they rebel.
The song opens with an indication that we refuse to be what you wanted us to be; which is clearly a statement that Summers patrons aren't salsa dancers, nor are they willing to pay a cover charge to salsa dance, nor are they willing to show up in any numbers even if a trophy and a cash prize are offered.
Perhaps all the patrons knew that those artifacts of Babylon would later be taken away and they would be denied entrance to Zion.
The second stanza lets everyone know that Babylon Summers is the vampire and it has been feasting on the children day by day. The great thing about Bob Marley's music is that this could mean anything. It could mean Joe sucks the patience out of Summers customers by having the same terrible customer serice representatives day after day. It could also mean that Mya looks like a vampire and she feasts on the blood of her victims.
The third stanza recalls the Summers patrons who have been treading on the winepress much too long. More importantly, it also remembers that Summers patrons have been taken for granted much too long.
Joe, you can't educate I.
Joe, you can't deceive continually.
Joe, tell your patrons the truth.
Joe, tell your patrons before they rebel.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Slummers Inferno - Fifth Circle
In the swamp-like atmosphere of the Red Room, the wrathful fight each other for the empty barstools and the sullen and aborted attempts breed tiny monsters that lie gurgling beneath summers old floor.
The souls in the Red Room are eternally fixed in the state they have chosen for themselves when the first entered Summers, which is their own damn fault for going to Summers in the first place.
The lower parts of hell are contained within the walls of the dungeon of Joe, which itself is in the secret lair downstairs, which itself is covered in remotes for televisions that aren't even in Summers anymore.
As an aside, Sonny mentioned to me how Slog1 sent him down to the lowest circle of Hell to retrieve Mya's spirit from there.
The souls in the Red Room are eternally fixed in the state they have chosen for themselves when the first entered Summers, which is their own damn fault for going to Summers in the first place.
The lower parts of hell are contained within the walls of the dungeon of Joe, which itself is in the secret lair downstairs, which itself is covered in remotes for televisions that aren't even in Summers anymore.
As an aside, Sonny mentioned to me how Slog1 sent him down to the lowest circle of Hell to retrieve Mya's spirit from there.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
whats the deal with the red room
whats up with the red room
why do i always feel gloom
when i enter that vacuum
is it because mya looks like doctor doom
is it becase sonny dances with the broom
i come here to watch sports
i dont want cnn reports
or your unwitty retorts
dammit now your banter has me all out of sorts
ill just go across the street to four courts
but i wanna see my game
thats really why i came
and i have joe to blame
i shouldve know it would be the same
and that this place was pretty lame
why do i always feel gloom
when i enter that vacuum
is it because mya looks like doctor doom
is it becase sonny dances with the broom
i come here to watch sports
i dont want cnn reports
or your unwitty retorts
dammit now your banter has me all out of sorts
ill just go across the street to four courts
but i wanna see my game
thats really why i came
and i have joe to blame
i shouldve know it would be the same
and that this place was pretty lame
Friday, January 7, 2011
Six of one, half a dozen...
Is there really any difference between Bud Light and Miller Lite?
Tonight I found myself trapped in the Red Room in the worst conversation since I got caught in a pointless argument with a long-haired hippe wannabe named Kelley (and it was a dude too, go figure) about whether Fairport Convention or The Kinks were the most English of the English British Invasion bands.
Even worse, I was swept up in the totally tiresome talk of the Titans of Taste who were arguing the merits of Bud Light and Miller Lite.
Firt of all, Bud Light hasn't been any good since they got their taste vortexes handed to them in Bud Bowl II. Second of all, Miller doesn't even know how to spell "Light" correctly. Thirdly, it is not fucking rocket science considering neither one of them actually tastes like beer. I mean, its not like you're arguing the merits of Newcastle and Guinness. Finally, you're at Summers, you're not exactly beer conissuers.
The best part about the whole awkward conversation was that Mya offered her learned opinion even though she's never had a sip of beer in her life. And the second best part about the whole awkward conversation was her running her mouth about which shitty beer tastes better and me saying do you know enough about beer to actually pour me one?
Which only further hightens the dramatic irony considering how much I like Summers and how much the service sucks.
Tonight I found myself trapped in the Red Room in the worst conversation since I got caught in a pointless argument with a long-haired hippe wannabe named Kelley (and it was a dude too, go figure) about whether Fairport Convention or The Kinks were the most English of the English British Invasion bands.
Even worse, I was swept up in the totally tiresome talk of the Titans of Taste who were arguing the merits of Bud Light and Miller Lite.
Firt of all, Bud Light hasn't been any good since they got their taste vortexes handed to them in Bud Bowl II. Second of all, Miller doesn't even know how to spell "Light" correctly. Thirdly, it is not fucking rocket science considering neither one of them actually tastes like beer. I mean, its not like you're arguing the merits of Newcastle and Guinness. Finally, you're at Summers, you're not exactly beer conissuers.
The best part about the whole awkward conversation was that Mya offered her learned opinion even though she's never had a sip of beer in her life. And the second best part about the whole awkward conversation was her running her mouth about which shitty beer tastes better and me saying do you know enough about beer to actually pour me one?
Which only further hightens the dramatic irony considering how much I like Summers and how much the service sucks.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Keep Fear Alive!
Don't come in here. This is the Red Room. It is full of smoke. There are people using dirty words. There are dirty people. Some people are drinking beer. Mya often works back here. There are a lot of Canadians inside. This is where they try to sing karaoke. The carpet is sticky and I don't know why. The bathroom doesn't lock. You'll have to wait forever for a beer. You won't get to watch your hockey game. It is half red and half green and looks like Santa vomited on the wall.
I'm Summers New Door. Do your part to Keep Fear Alive.
I'm Summers New Door. Do your part to Keep Fear Alive.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Hell Is Around The Corner
Is it just me or is it still hot as hell outside?
As Tricky says, "Heat from the sun somedays slowly passes, until then you have to live with yourself" and yes sometimes evil watches from the precipice because hell is around the corner.
Know what else is hot as hell this Summer? Summers' Red Room.
As Tricky might also say, that shit is off the hook. Ironically enough, the Red Room is around the corner from the side door. I'm not sure if it was painted to look like Hell, but when I'm the only person sitting at the bar and my glass is empty and Mya is working, I feel like I'm trapped in the second circle of hell with that wicked carnal malefactor.
To be fair, Joe really rolled out the Red Room carpet on this one. He had special Red Room signs made. He put up special Red Room lights. He even got special pint glasses for his beer specials.
The Red Room is about to blow up for realz folks. Come visit before it gets too trendy, or before football seasons starts because you won't be able to get a seat, let alone your game on tv.
As Tricky says, "Heat from the sun somedays slowly passes, until then you have to live with yourself" and yes sometimes evil watches from the precipice because hell is around the corner.
Know what else is hot as hell this Summer? Summers' Red Room.
As Tricky might also say, that shit is off the hook. Ironically enough, the Red Room is around the corner from the side door. I'm not sure if it was painted to look like Hell, but when I'm the only person sitting at the bar and my glass is empty and Mya is working, I feel like I'm trapped in the second circle of hell with that wicked carnal malefactor.
To be fair, Joe really rolled out the Red Room carpet on this one. He had special Red Room signs made. He put up special Red Room lights. He even got special pint glasses for his beer specials.
The Red Room is about to blow up for realz folks. Come visit before it gets too trendy, or before football seasons starts because you won't be able to get a seat, let alone your game on tv.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Unusually Frightening Couplets
Breaker, Breaker, I got a new tattoo and I look like a trucker
I had a bad day at work, this chick in my office is a fucker
Bedazzler, Bedazzler, I will not watch Pirhana in 3D
I don't need to watch a fish devour a human pee-pee
Oregon, Oregon, I'll come to Summers to watch my Ducks
But all the teams are better than us which totally sucks
Kid A, Kid A, stop copying other peoples' work
Seriously, it makes you look like a total jerk
Mya, Mya, seriously why are you still a bartender?
Where is Elvis Presely, so he can return to sender?
Peroni, Peroni, I know you're special, but why do they still have a keg?
Seriously Joe, get rid of that crap, please don't make me beg.
Red room, red room, don't you wish you were green?
Joe should return things to the way they've always been
I had a bad day at work, this chick in my office is a fucker
Bedazzler, Bedazzler, I will not watch Pirhana in 3D
I don't need to watch a fish devour a human pee-pee
Oregon, Oregon, I'll come to Summers to watch my Ducks
But all the teams are better than us which totally sucks
Kid A, Kid A, stop copying other peoples' work
Seriously, it makes you look like a total jerk
Mya, Mya, seriously why are you still a bartender?
Where is Elvis Presely, so he can return to sender?
Peroni, Peroni, I know you're special, but why do they still have a keg?
Seriously Joe, get rid of that crap, please don't make me beg.
Red room, red room, don't you wish you were green?
Joe should return things to the way they've always been
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Gino Hears a Who
On the fifteenth of September, in the jungle of the Red room
Before the cold of November, and days of Redskins doom
He was drinking...enjoying the jungle's great joys...
When Gino the Snuffleupagus heard a small noise.
So Gino stopped drinking. He looked towards the sound.
"That's funny," thought Gino. "There's no one around."
Then he heard it again! Just a very faint yelp
As if some tiny bartender was calling for help
"I'll help you," said Gino. "But who are you? Where?"
He looked and he looked. He could see nothing there
But a small speck of dust blowing past through the air.
"I say!" murmured Gino. "I've never heard jack
from a small bartender that has such a tiny rack.
So you know what I think?... Why, I think that there must
Be some Mya on top of that small speck of dust!
Some sort of bartender of very slow service
so inept and clueless it makes her nervous...
"...some poor little bartneder who's shaking with fear
That she'll drown in her own drool! She needs to get me a beer!
I'll just have to yell at her. Because, and I'm not happy,
A bartender's a bartender, no matter how crappy."
Before the cold of November, and days of Redskins doom
He was drinking...enjoying the jungle's great joys...
When Gino the Snuffleupagus heard a small noise.
So Gino stopped drinking. He looked towards the sound.
"That's funny," thought Gino. "There's no one around."
Then he heard it again! Just a very faint yelp
As if some tiny bartender was calling for help
"I'll help you," said Gino. "But who are you? Where?"
He looked and he looked. He could see nothing there
But a small speck of dust blowing past through the air.
"I say!" murmured Gino. "I've never heard jack
from a small bartender that has such a tiny rack.
So you know what I think?... Why, I think that there must
Be some Mya on top of that small speck of dust!
Some sort of bartender of very slow service
so inept and clueless it makes her nervous...
"...some poor little bartneder who's shaking with fear
That she'll drown in her own drool! She needs to get me a beer!
I'll just have to yell at her. Because, and I'm not happy,
A bartender's a bartender, no matter how crappy."
Sunday, August 8, 2010
One Fish, Two Fish, Red Room
One fish two fish red room blue fish
Black fish blue fish Joe should play Go fish
Summers has a red room and that makes me blue
Summers tiles are moldy and none of them are new
I haven't been to Summers in a month and that makes me sad
I haven't been to Summers in a month and I know that Mya is glad
Why should I be sad when Mya is glad? I don't know. Go ask your Dad.
Some people are thin and some are fat. The annoying one has a yellow hat.
From broom to swiffer, swiffer to broom, lots of funny people in the red room.
Here are some people who like to run, they run for fun in the hot hot sun.
Oh me, Oh my, I had lots fun in Parry Sound.
Oh me, Oh my, I'm glad to be back on home ground.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Ringling, Ringling
And across from Summers there's a pile of beer cans
Been there for twenty-seven days
Imagine all the heartaches and ways
In which Mya's incompetence destroys your plans
So we hopped back on our rent-a-segway
And we hit the cruise control
Pretty soon Summers was out of sight
Though we left behind a fat barmaid, a Cowboys fan, and this blog
Bracing for a Ringlin' Karaoke night
Ringlin', Ringlin', you're just drinking your life away
I wonder how many people will still go to Summers a year from today
'Cause the Redrum is dusty and the GoldenTee has been torn down
Summers is a dyin' little town
Yeah, it's a dyin' little town
Been there for twenty-seven days
Imagine all the heartaches and ways
In which Mya's incompetence destroys your plans
So we hopped back on our rent-a-segway
And we hit the cruise control
Pretty soon Summers was out of sight
Though we left behind a fat barmaid, a Cowboys fan, and this blog
Bracing for a Ringlin' Karaoke night
Ringlin', Ringlin', you're just drinking your life away
I wonder how many people will still go to Summers a year from today
'Cause the Redrum is dusty and the GoldenTee has been torn down
Summers is a dyin' little town
Yeah, it's a dyin' little town
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