Top 10 Reasons to Give Thanks

Summers is much maligned in these pages (not that anyone reads them), but the recent passage of American Thanksgiving has given me pause to stop and smell the roses and reflect on the reasons that I give thanks for Summers. So, without further ado, or Freddy Adu, the top ten reasons I am thankful for Summers:

10. Cheap Pint Night on Thursday.
9. Gino Azzouzi.
8. Sliders Special on Wednesday.
7. Non-Red Room Bathroom doors that lock.
6. Shawn, Lika & John
5. Red Room Regulars.
4. Yeungling.
3. The patio.
2. Half-price burgers.
1. The convenience.

Vague Expressionism

My mind lives in the gutter. It prefers the gutter to what's actually going on inside my head and I don't blame it. But having been down in the gutter so god damn long, everything sure looks like up to me. My mind takes something a little bit country and makes it a little bit rock and roll and what beautiful soliloquy someone speaks I take and twist into something tawdry and terrible.

Not everything is dirty and not everything has sexual overtones. It should, and my shy schoolboy side says it does, but it doesn't. Nonetheless my repressed soft white underbelly segues something sweet and pure and turns it into something dirty and disgusting. Below are a handful of comments that upon first hearing I assumed were vague expressions for sex, but upon a second reading, may not be.

1. Joe's in the basement.
2. Can I get a Red-Headed Slut?
3. Who wants to chug?
4. Is Yuengling still on special?
5. Are you watching this?
6. Can you plug this in for me?
7. Give me some sugar.
8. The front is open, but the back is closed.
9. Joe went downstairs.
10. That door doesn't lock.
11. Go around to the other side.
12. Can you put it on for me?
13. Who's up next?
14. Why is this sign by the back door?

Summers Marketing 101

I think Harold Camping studied at the Summers School of Marketing. When I ran across this sign in the metro station the other day, the first thing that struck me was, rapture? What rapture? Its like $2.75 pint night at Summers. What $2.75 pint night? It would help if you didn't put your sign at the back of the Red Room, I mean at the end of the metro station platform. I also love the fact that there is a guarantee that the Bible guarantees it. The only person I know that actually guarantees anything is George Zuckerman from Mens Warehouse, and thank you George, I do like the way I look. I also love the irony of the fact that Judgement Day was supposed to be May 21 and its like May something after May 21 and the sign is still up. Its like that time that Joe put up all those signs that Yeungling pints are on special, but he doesn't actually have any Yeungling on tap.

You Can't Teach An Old Joe New Tricks

Apparently Summers has extended its summer happy hour hours.

I am just as happy as the next person that I can drink cheap, warm, flat Yuengling for another hour, until 8 PM, as the next person, but why am I only finding out about this now?

I saw one sign, halfway down the hall near the back of the Red Room but I missed it the first time because it was sandwiched between two giant UFC posters. I know Joe tires, but seriously.

Someone should be yelling this from the rooftops! Or at least the roof of Summers, and while you're up there, can you move the satellite dish so I can watching my fucking game on tv?