Thursday, December 22, 2016

Summers Advent Calendar 2016 - Day 22

A calculator. So someone behind the bar can add up how many drinks each customer actually had.

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Summers Advent Calendar 2016 - Day 21

A scholarship to the Wharton School. Someone wants Joe to learn something about running a business.

Summers Advent Calendar 2016 - Day 20

Mr. Boston Official Bartenders Guide You know so George can learn to make everyday drinks, you know if he could learn to read first.

Monday, December 19, 2016

Summers Advent Calendar 2016 - Day 19

A free hug. Just because.

Summers Advent Calendar 2016 - Day 18

An audio-book copy of "The General Theory of Employment, Interest and Money" Because I'm not sure Joe can read and even if he can, he won't and he needs to learn something about maintaining customers' interest, earning money and hiring half-decent employees.

Summers Advent Calendar 2016 - Day 17

A USB port. So customers can recharge their phones in order to post Yelp! reviews about how terrible the Summers' service is because they are too drunk to post them by the time they get home [I'm just guessing - Ed.].

Saturday, December 17, 2016

Summers Advent Calendar 2016 - Day 16

"Make Summers Great Again" red trucker hat Stealing from the Trump playbook, Joe is working really hard to make everything great again at Summers so he deserves a token of appreciation.

Summers Advent Calendar 2016 - Day 15

A roll of blue tape. Blue tape is still the adhesive of choice at Summers.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Summers Advent Calendar 2016 - Day 14

A dictionary. So Joe can look up "irony" mentioned in the last post, but also so he can look up customer and service.

Summers Advent Calendar 2016 - Day 13

A new HVAC system. So Joe doesn't have to lock all the doors to try and prevent his customer from freezing to death while at the same time creating a fire hazard. Oh the irony.

Monday, December 12, 2016

Summers Advent Calendar 2016 - Day 12

An anti-virus program. You know so the Russians can't hack the registers at Summers and change my bar tab like they changed the elections results. Trump didn't have that many votes and I certainly didn't have that much to drink.

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Summers Advent Calendar 2016 - Day 11

A color printer. So the pathetic limited happy hour menu with deals that aren't deals is at east in color. Then we would all feel that we weren't getting hoodwinked so badly.

Saturday, December 10, 2016

Summers Advent Calendar 2016 - Day 10

A Vuvuzela. As annoying as those atrocious noisemakers were, wouldn't Summers patrons rather listen to that cacophonous monstrosity than listen to their friends prattle on or listen to more excuses from Joe?

Friday, December 9, 2016

Summers Advent Calendar 2016 - Day 9

Napkins. Because I don't know who has been using my seat, my utensils or my glass, napkins will help me wipe everything down one more time.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Summers Advent Calendar 2016 - Day 8

40th Anniversary edition of The Last Waltz. Because it is the best concert film of all time and Summers and staff could afford to learn a thing or two about music.

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Summers Advent Calendar 2016 - Day 7

A soap box. Oh no, it's not for me to stand up on and rail against the terrible service at Summers and how shoddy and irresponsible the Summers management is, it's for the one bartender that can't see over the bar to see customers, let alone help them.

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Summers Advent Calendar 2016 - Day 6

Microsoft Office. Mostly for Microsoft Word and its built-in spell check so the menus and the happy hour printouts don't make you look like an illiterate dumb-ass.

Monday, December 5, 2016

Summers Advent Calendar 2016 - Day 5

A new "Help Wanted" sign. Because Summers' best bartenders are leaving (or were let go for no reason) and the new ones that Joe is hiring have no clue what they're doing.

Sunday, December 4, 2016

Summers Advent Calendar 2016 - Day 4

An extra TV remote. You know so Joe can put football games on tv when people ask for them rather than having them walk out the door.

Summers Advent Calendar 2016 - Day 3

Coasters. Summers has never been known for cleanliness, but the barbacks don't do much work so using coasters and never having to clean the top of of the bar makes everyone's life easier.

Summers Advent Calendar 2016 - Day 2

A bartender. Oh thank God. Summers could use a half-decent bartender because George is the worst.

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Summers Advent Calendar 2016 - Day 1

A bottle of Tito's Vodka. It must be the extra bottle that one of the Summers staff accidentally borrowed or the bottle that Joe refused to order from VA ABC because his customers enjoyed Tito's.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Battle Hymn of Summers

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the end Joe is trampling out the vintage where customers are stored, He has loosed the fateful lightening and totally offends His complete incompetence is marching on. I have seen Him ignore a hundred circling guys They have built Joe an altar tho a drink he never buys The fact he blames everyone but himself never flies His complete incompetence is marching on.

Monday, April 25, 2016

That's Summers

That's Summers (that's Summers), that's what all the people say You're ignored in April, overcharged in May But I know I'm gonna stop coming here soon When I'm back on top, back on top in June I said that's Summers (that's Summers), as funny as it may seem Joe get his kicks stompin' on each customer's dream But I don't let him win, let it get me down 'cause this fine old world, it keeps goin' around That's Summers (that's Summers), I tell you I can't deny it But our favorite bar of all time has really gone to shit

Sunday, April 24, 2016

Summers Sonnet III

Look in thy glass and tell the emptiness thou viewest
Now is the time the bartender should pour another;
Whose fresh repair if now thou not renewest,
Reveals thou dost really want to unbless a brother

For where is the bartender so fair whose fault
Disdains the dreary tillage of thy husbandry?
So they can visit Joe's underground vault
Of self-love and questionable paternity? 

But if thou live, and if thou go to Summers
Woe is thee and you must leave immediately,
Thou will be unable to purge all the terrible bummers
And thou will die single and thine image dies with thee.

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Summers Sonnet 43 (Ode 3)

It is the 400th anniversary of William Shakespeare's death today. It is only appropriate that as creeps in this petty pace from day to day, to the last syllable of last call; and all our wasted yesterdays at Summers have lighted fools the way to Summers' dusty death, that we celebrate Summers as we celebrate Shakespeare, and to that end we compose this eulogy:

Summers, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the level of every day’s
Most quiet need for warm flat beer
I love thee freely, though I can't buy a thrill.
I love thee purely, though you gave me the wrong bill.
I love thee with the passion put to use ignoring my will.

Friday, April 22, 2016

Summers Sonnet 43 (Ode 2)

Summers, how do I love thee?
Let me count the ways.
I love thee for thy flat beer
I love thee for thy dearth of cheer
I love thee for thy lack of service
Why do you make me so nervous?

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Summers Sonnet 43 (Ode 1)

Summers, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee Summers to the depth of your HD TVs
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
Because the bartender can't even see me.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Summers Lent Calendar - Day 8

On the eighth day of Lent, we're giving up cocktail napkins.

Summers is finally going green so we're going to stop killing trees by giving up cocktail napkins for Lent. Like coasters, cocktail napkins are disease traps and who the hell can be bothered to recycle paper products anyway? Plus, it makes our bartenders and waitstaff do more work and in this harsh economic climate we're not giving any employee more money for more work.

Summers Lent Calendar - Day 7

On the seventh day of Lent, we're giving up coasters.

Customers are not allowed to place their drinks directly on the bar, because God forbid we would have to wipe or clean the bar, but coasters can get pretty grungy and are disease traps and market every company in the world but Summers so we're going to give up coasters for Lent.

Summers Lent Calendar - Day 6

On the sixth day of Lent, we're giving up counting.

We have 60 televisions, or 50 , or 40, or 55, it really depends on who is counting. Counting is tough and it is hard to keep track of the total amounts so we're giving counting for Lent. Sure, we talk about 60 HD televisions in all or our marketing materials but who reads or listens to us, and if anyone has a complaint we will just say we are recalculating.

Summers Lent Calendar - Day 5

On the fifth day of Lent, we're giving up high definition.

We have high definition-capable televisions but high definition service is expensive and our customers don't really watch sports even though we try and brand ourselves as a sports bar (and restaurant) and we don't really care what our customers think in the first place.

Thursday, February 25, 2016

Summers Lent Calendar - Day 4

On the fourth day of Lent, we're giving up swearing.

At least until we can get that customer another #$%& beer and pour them a real #$%$# shot of Fireball and put their #$#$%^& game on the television they're looking at, I mean how !@##$% hard is it to put the Washington +_+$%** Capitals game on a television they can see? And what the #^#* is with all the bar tabs? Not every #^&%^ customer buys ^&^%$%# Miller Lites. Seriously, what the $#%^&*&%^$ is up with this place? We don't want to point fingers but  we blame @#$% @#$%# W #$^%$ )(*).

Okay. So we're giving up swearing now.

We are !@)%$@ serious this time.

Summers Lent Calendar - Day 3

On the third day of lent, we're giving up sports.

Sports create avarice and ill will amongst all God's children so we're going to stop showing sports.

Sure, it will take some rebranding considering we pretend to be a Sports Bar & Restaurant but it's not like we were going to put your game on one of our 60 HD televisions in the first place.

Summers Lent Calendar - Day 2

On the second day of Lent, we're giving up beer.

Beer is the Devil's work and it makes you slovenly and slothful.

So if we run out of beer or refuse to serve you another one, don't thank the man upstairs, thank the man downstairs in the dungeon.

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Summers Lent Calendar - Day 1

On the first day of Lent, we're going to give up serving customers.

Customers are aggravating because they want stuff and ask irrelevant questions like "May I please have another beer?" so in preparation for Easter we are giving up customers for Lent.