Slummers Guest Post: Quoth the Raven "Never Again"

Every once in a while someone says it better than we do. As much as we on the Slumlog editorial board like to feature original content because we like to hear ourselves talk, we can't take credit for the following diatribe. This rant was forwarded to us by a reader. Enjoy:

NEVER AGAIN

I really hate crossing the river and when I do it really pisses me off to go all that way, risking my life crossing the river, to then eat some crappy ass wings.

When I went to Summers with [name withheld to protect the innocent] and [name withheld to protect the guilty] (yes we all know [radio edit] is a vegetarian but she is always willing to go on a wing adventure with me, what a gal!) I was hoping for some great Mardi Gras deals since we went on Fat Tuesday. The deals were not so great but they did have half price wings so I had to do the honors of getting some.

Summers offers two kinds of wings “Spicy Buffalo Wings” and “BBQ.” I made sure to get a basket of half and half so I could try both flavors. If I only knew what I was in for I would have just stuck to the drinks and had NO wings, and that is rare for me to say I wouldn’t eat ANY wings.

1. Spicy Buffalo Wing- these wings were one of the soggiest wings I have ever eaten. They tasted as if they had been cooked and soaked in some weird liquid to soften the skin to make them extra soggy and then covered in a nasty Buffalo Sauce that made me want to gag. The sauce was slightly spicy and would be on a medium hot scale. I would say these were spicy only if my lips were chapped.

NEVER AGAIN

2. BBQ-These wings were crunchy and not sopping soggy like the Buffalo ones but they were not a good crunch. They were crunchy as in they seemed to have been cooked first and placed under a heating lamp to stay hot, which then caused the stupid wings to get crusty and dry out. So yes I guess a better term would be these were crusty wings not crunchy and the BBQ sauce did nothing to try and help them. They were awful.

NEVER AGAIN

Needless to say I would not eat at Summers again. Their wings were horrible and I didn’t find their food choices to be that appetizing or for them to have something on their menu that stood out from other “bar” food to encourage someone to come in and order food and drink their beer. They do nothing to try and stand out instead they seem to be okay with being the neighborhood hole in the wall.

Birchmere v Summers

As much as I love Summers, every once in a while I like to check into a new Foursquare venue just to keep up the weekly point total. I know I'm never going to be the Foursquare Mayor of Summers, partly because I support rogue facebook pages, and partly because I'm on probation for trying to walk through the kitchen. I know I couldn't even handle being the Foursquare Mayor of Summers for with great power comes great responsibility.

One place I wouldn't mind being Foursquare Mayor of is the Birchmere Music Hall. I had occasion to check into this venue the other evening, and although I'm like eleventeen days away from being Foursquare Mayor of the Birchmere, I did spend enough time in the Birchmere to steal a few ideas to pass along to the Foursquare Mayor of Summers.

One, at the Birchmere, they have servers that bring you beer. I know its not a novel concept, but its fucking brilliant. The next time you're running for Foursquare Mayor of Summers, your platform should be servers will actually bring you beer.

Two, at the Birchmere, they have servers that bring you food. I know this is not a novel concept either, but people are happy when you bring them food. Summers patrons might enjoy Summers more if you brought them food. Well, brought them food in a timely manner and brought them food that didn't taste like you went across the street, walked through the Wendys drive-through, brought it back to Summers, dropped it in a vat of stale cooking grease, coated it in wing sauce, and plated it on a lettuce leaf I think I saw in the garbage can outside Boston Market.

Three, at the Birchmere, they play music. I mean they play music people enjoy. I don't know what kind of online survey you conducted, but the music I hear in Summers is music that I have never heard before, and it is music I never want to hear again.

Operation Slummers Dawn

Operation Slummers Dawn is the codename for the interpatron operation in the Red Room that is enforcing United Slummers Council Resolution 1. It implements a no-Mya zone to prevent Summers forces loyal to Muammar Joedaffi from carrying out their Oh-we're-out-of-that-even-though-its-on-special campaign and to prevent the implementation of their economic terrorist strategy of overcharging for everything and to limit the damage from and to boost morale in spite of the sheer audacity of the shock-and-salsa submission campaign.

Slummers Application for Use Permits and Variances

I, Ess-Dog, of Lot Summers Grill & Sports Bar Block Dark Side Section Red Room Subdivision My barstool hereby apply for a Variance to Section 666 Subsection 69 of the Zoning Ordinance as contained in the appendix of the Arlington County Code to permit the building of a tiara and lace skirt for Summers Grill & Sports Bar so it can host an American Idol Night. The variance shall also include a name change to Summers Grill & Girl Bar Where Girls Can Watch American Idol and Not Watch Sports Bar.

MonsterMatch.com

In our attempt to provide continuing support to Summers Restaurant and members of the Summers community, we have created another rogue web site, monstermatch.com, to match job applicants to job openings at Summers on 37 points of compatibility.

Just imagine if monster.com and match.com had an ugly red-headed step-child.

Imagine how ugly that would be.

And then multiply by infinity.

And add one.

Our site is worse.

But as a patron of Summers, I seek only the best service and really I would just be happy with a beer, and in order to make sure only the most qualified candidates apply, I offer this sample resume. If you are interested in applying for the job, check out our fake rogue website for additional information that won't help.

Name: Its like the SAT, you get 200 points for just filling in this space.

Address: Don't pick 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Or 1823 M St.

Objective: If you want to work at Summers, your objectives should be to debunk the myth of customer service, prove that two wrongs do make a right, prove one plus one equals three (you should have seen my last tab), state that you don't actually want to seek opportunities for advancement or professional development.

Skills Profile:I'm at a fucking loss to help you here. The only skills I've seen consistently across a broad range of employees are an inability to remember what I ordered, the ability to disappear when I want something to drink, the desire to tell me a story I couldn't care less about, the ability to forget what I ordered between where I'm sitting and the beer tap and the inability to figure out how a television remote works. Not that I wanted to wach a game anyway.

Employment History: This doesn't matter. Nobody looks and the people that are reviewing your resume or c.v. can't read anyway.

Emplyement Future: Get another fucking job because this one doesn't come as advertised.

Education: Don't hate the playa, hate the game.

References: Don't look at me.

Slummers Inferno - Seventh Circle (Outer Ring)

This ring houses the violent against bartenders and barstools. Offenders are immersed in Phlegethon, a river of terrible music and even worse service. Inhabitants of this circle are punished to a level commensurate with their sins. The loudest person I've ever know is immersed up to their mouth for calling a Summers bartender a professional. The Orlandroid is immersed up to his shoulders for using his arms to knock down all of the barstools. The Centaurs, the half-horse half-bartenders commanded by Joeron, patrol the ring, firing firey javelins into those trying to escape.

Help Wanted

Wanted to let the readers of Slumlog know there is a job opening at Summers. It could be the dream of your lifetime, so the details are below.

Joe Title: Underpaid Nobody
Company Name: Summers Restaurant & Sports Bar
Location: Above-Ground but mostly in the dungeon
Job Type: Part-Time
Experience: If you've had a job before you wouldn't work here
Position in the Company: Bent over, kneeling, prone
Duties: Not serving customers when their drink is empty, not putting a game on the television when the customers asks for it coming up with a lame excuse as to why the game can't be put on the television, forgetting what the customer ordered, overcharging customers for what they ordered, telling stupid jokes and even worse stories, stopping drunk customers from walking through the kitchen, not bringing customers food while it is still warm, not telling them about specials, and most importantly not telling them when the specials have changed
Responsibilities: 1. Disappear when the customer wants a drink. 2. Don't serve them Molson Canadian even on Molson Canadian night. 3. Don't speak English. 4. Pretend not to understand English. 5. Have the ability to turn invisible. 6. Spend more time learning to salsa dance than how to serve customers.
Working Conditions: Have you been here?
Salary: Not enough
Benefits: Are you fucking kidding me?

If anyone is interested please send your resume and a cover letter to seriouslyyoudontwanttoworkhere@gmail.com or call (800) UST-UPID.

Top 10 Items Banned At Summers

Hot on the heels of the efforts of Commissioner Gary Bettman to ban headshots from the NHL, Comissioner Mean Joe Green publicized his own efforts to ban everything at Summers. The list of specific items banned from Summers are:

1. Headshots - If Joe does anything well, it is copy bad ideas. No checking patrons near the boards.

2. Bodyshots - I haven't showered in three days and I see the other bodies in Summers and I wouldn't eat either one of the Summers fish specials off of anyone.

3. Naked Sushi - Summers has two fish specials, and although its raw when you order it, its not supposed to be. And I wouldn't eat any fish, raw or cooked or cooked the Summers way, off the body of anyone in Summers. Except maybe Mya, because when I bit her I would become a vampire too and I would become immortal.

4. Leiderhosen

5. Ipads on the bar - Seriously. What the fuck are you doing that can't be done with a well placed text message? And on the bar? That's just pretentious. Especially considering you can't update your own blog more than once every three months. Who do you think you are? Ashton Kutcher? Lady Gaga? If they both came into Summers with gold-plated ipads I would still hate them for being superclious over-achieving megalomaniacs.

6. Bandwagon Caps fans - You're good for business now, but what is going to happen when your team chokes on its own ego in the playoffs and comes up short again?

7. Customer Service - I think customer service got down-sized when Johnny left.

8. Rogue Facebook Pages - Who the fuck gives a shit what customers think?

9. Corporate Facebook Pages - Lead, follow or get out of the way. You can't play both sides. You either engage customers and make the business better, or you don't.

10. Green Chicken - Actually its not banned, its being featured. You can probably get a pint of World Cup Peroni on the side. No extra charge.

No extra charge except for the toll the green chicken and the nine-month old beer take on your digestive system on the way in and on the way out when you realize you just ate green chicken wings and drank a couple of pints of flat year-old beer.

Welcome Back Sid

I was following Ovie's twitter feed this morning and I read that Sidney Crosby was seen skating during practice today. As much as I hate Croz because he's a big cry baby and he play for the Pens, its still nice to see him back on the ice. I know how head injuries can sideline you forever.

Plus, we're the best team in the East right now and it would make it interesting if we actually had some competition on the ice before the end of the season. We need to get ready for the playoffs and our run to the Cup.

Slummers Inferno - Seventh Circle

The entrance to the seventh circle is guarded by the Myataur.

If you did not know that the enterance to Hell was guarded by the Myataur, you've either never read your Robert Graves or you've never read Harry Potter which features the Myataur and her maze in book four. The Myataur is not the worst bartender Joe has ever had, but she's pretty bad. She doesn't actually look like a bull, but her horns tear the concept of customer service to shreds.

It should also be no surprise that the violent are housed in the seventh circle of Summers hell. Here are the the patrons that knock over all the barstools,. Here too are the patrons that a hole in the wall because someone questions your ability as a husband

Here also are house the patrons that try and walk through the kitchen because they've had twelve beers already and you don't want to pay $10 to see the UFC fight because you keep this bar afloat during the week between UFC fights and you don't feel you should pay the cover charge.

Vampire Joe sucks your blood and your money and your goodwill and your patience because he won't put your game on the tv even though Summers is a sports bar and he staffs his bar with completely incompetent nincompoops and you feel that entitles you to a free pass through the kitchen and you know it is your right, you shall find yourself in this circle of Summers hell.

Great Canadian Pick Up Lines

Obviously, the greatest Canadian pick up line is a case of Molson Canadian, or a Two-Four as we call it in Canada. Don't worry, you wouldn't understand. Two-Four is a measurement of the metric system.

Entre Nous: They're actually serving Molson Canadian on Molson Candian night again, which is a welcome relief considering it hadn't been available for three weeks.

But I digress. The latest Molson Canadian gimmick is to offer great Canadian pick up lines on the back label. "I'm cold just thinking about Canada. Let's Cuddle." is a good one, but "I'm a man who drinks beer from an Awesome Land. Need I say more?" is even better, but I was too drunk to take a good picture because I was about six Canadians in at this point celebrating its long overdue return. The irony is that whenever I'm in Canada picking up hotties, the most successful pickup line I have is "I'm American."

Perhaps most riveting and yet most haunting about the entire episode is that despite the return of Molson Canadian and despite the fact that it was a happy hump day, Summers was deader than my love life.

I'm cold just thinking about how empty the red room is. Let's Cuddle.

Mardi Gras

Let the good times roll, just don't expect them to roll quickly since the service is slow.

Slummers Inferno - Sixth Circle

In the sixth circle of Slummers hell, Heretics such as those that say that Summers should have salsa dancing and those that say that Summers should have a world music night, and those that say you don't actually need to serve Molson Canadian on Moloson Canadian Night (Fucking Blasphemers! You shall rot in the darkest dankest deepest depths of Joe's dungeon of Dis. Sorry, I got carried away for a second there. But seriously folks, how can you not serve Molson Canadian on Molson Canadian Night when its on special?), and those that say Summers should be a sports bar and play sports and not CNN, well those people are trapped in flaming tombs.

Babylon Summers

There is a great Bob Marley song called 'Babylon System'. I am not a Bob Marley expert and I don't know much about reggae music, but to my knowledge, it is the only song that Bob Marley wrote about Summers.

The song opens with an indication that we refuse to be what you wanted us to be; which is clearly a statement that Summers patrons aren't salsa dancers, nor are they willing to pay a cover charge to salsa dance, nor are they willing to show up in any numbers even if a trophy and a cash prize are offered.

Perhaps all the patrons knew that those artifacts of Babylon would later be taken away and they would be denied entrance to Zion.

The second stanza lets everyone know that Babylon Summers is the vampire and it has been feasting on the children day by day. The great thing about Bob Marley's music is that this could mean anything. It could mean Joe sucks the patience out of Summers customers by having the same terrible customer serice representatives day after day. It could also mean that Mya looks like a vampire and she feasts on the blood of her victims.

The third stanza recalls the Summers patrons who have been treading on the winepress much too long. More importantly, it also remembers that Summers patrons have been taken for granted much too long.

Joe, you can't educate I.
Joe, you can't deceive continually.

Joe, tell your patrons the truth.
Joe, tell your patrons before they rebel.

Slummers Inferno - Fifth Circle

In the swamp-like atmosphere of the Red Room, the wrathful fight each other for the empty barstools and the sullen and aborted attempts breed tiny monsters that lie gurgling beneath summers old floor.

The souls in the Red Room are eternally fixed in the state they have chosen for themselves when the first entered Summers, which is their own damn fault for going to Summers in the first place.

The lower parts of hell are contained within the walls of the dungeon of Joe, which itself is in the secret lair downstairs, which itself is covered in remotes for televisions that aren't even in Summers anymore.

As an aside, Sonny mentioned to me how Slog1 sent him down to the lowest circle of Hell to retrieve Mya's spirit from there.