Saturday, February 25, 2012

Breaking Bad: Summers Menu Gets a Makeover

As a fake employee of this establishment, I want to start by saying I speak from a place of love in my heart. I love this place. I don't like being the door to the smoking side because it stinks, but I love the quiet. That being said, you can put lipt stick and a pearl necklace on a pig, but its still a fucking pig. Putting a new menu cover on the Summers menu isn't going to make the food taste any better or the service any more responsive. Where to start with the new design? I don't think I've ever seen a sandwich that good-looking at Summers. Hey, how do doin? If you look closely enough you can see where Joe cut out the sports graphics from Friday's free Express. Spend some money on the graphics Joe or nobody will ever take you seriously as a serious business owner (you might also want to proofread the inside of the menu for spelling mistakes because we all know King Menus Inc ain't no Google). If you look even more closely than that, you can see where Joe used scotch tape to make the photocopies. At least he didn't use blue tape. Thank god for small miracles, eh?

Thursday, February 23, 2012

I Am an Asshole

I thought I was just a regular Joe with a regular job. I like football and XXX and books about war. But sometimes, apparently, that just ain't enough to keep a man like me interested. No. No way. I've got to go out and have fun at someone else's expense. I drive really slow in the ultra fast lane. I also stand to the left on the escalators while people behind me are going insane.

Thanks to the Adrian Fenty look-alike at CVS that pointed out my hypocrisy to me.

I was waiting in line for the next available check-out at CVS when the DC mayor's doppelganger ran in and cut in front of me to use a self-checkout kiosk.

Not liking his stance on charter schools or his cutting in line, I called him on it.

He was all standoffish and aloof and like "Oh, it that how it works?"

I was all concerned and whiny and like "Yeah."


"I was waiting for the next available check out."

"Okay. Wow, you don't have to be an asshole about it."

"I'm not being an asshole, I've just been waiting."

"Okay. Fine. But you don't have to be an asshole."

So I went to the self-checkout kiosk and the Fake Fenty stood in line until the cashier directed him to the next self-checkout kisok (which was next to me) and he was all detached and haughty about it and said to the CVS cashier, "Are you sure? I don't want to be an asshole like that guy."

So we cashed out at the same time and left the store together (awkward) and he got in his double-parked car (explains his hurry).

The whole experience made me pause and reflect.

I've said some dumbass things at Summers. I've done some dumbass things at Summers. I've said some inappropriate things at Summers. I've probably done some illegal things at Summers. Never, no, not once, has any staff or patron called me an Asshole.

Which is just another one of those things I love about Summers.

I can be an asshole but nobody's going to call me on it.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012


I know I've only been back for three games, but I can tell the game of hockey has already passed me by. The player I should be, the player I want to be and the player I am not is embodied in the person of Erik Karlsson. Man, can he ever play hockey.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Back In The Saddle

My evil twin has played two games in a row so I assume its safe to come out of retirement and start trash-talking again because he is so distracted with learning how to skate again that he won't notice that I am talking about him behind his back.

I also assume its safe to talk about how bad the Caps are because everyone can agree on that, right?

If you were me, what would you tell Coach to help the team make the playoffs?

Friday, February 10, 2012

Customer Service

Tonight I mistakenly answered a phone call from a number I didn't recognize.

Huge mistake.

Turns out it was a market research firm calling to get feedback about a vendor. There was the usual kerfuffle about we will see if you're qualified and you'll be compensated and yada yada yada, but I wasn't in any hurry so I decided to play along.

I should have know better.

One of the qualifying questions was do you: always often sometimes rarely never share your opinion with friends and family. Being so shy, I said rarely.

The lady on the phone was like really?


I just got called out by a telemarketer.

Yes, really.

So she was like let me repeat the question, and you should really listen to the question this time. And do not interrupt me. Seriously now, when talking to your friends, I know you got friends right, you sound like a handsome fellow, and I know you're popular and you sure sounds smart, do you always often sometimes rarely never share your opinions about the stuff about which you are talking?

Okay, fine. Sometimes.

But the whole time I was thinking you called me to ask my opinion and you're giving me attitude? At which point I realized you were just like Joe. Joe wants me to come to his bar, he wants me to drink, he wants me to have a good time, but he'll still pull a serious attitude and treat me like shit.

Illegal Similie

Joe is as cunning as a deaf, dumb and blind fox.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Illegal Similie

Trying to order a beer at Summers before happy hour ends is like trying Tuvan throat singing for the first time:

Monday, February 6, 2012

Rocket Man (I think its Going to be a Long, Long Time Before I get another drink)

She poured my beer. Pre-happy hour.
Zero hour. Eight P.M.
And I'm gonna be high as a kite by then

I miss the Earth so much
I miss my bartender
Its lonley out in the Red Room

And I think its going to be a long, long time
Til a beer brings me around again to fine
I'm not the slow drinker they think I am at all
Oh no no no, I am a Rocket Man

Illegal Similie

The New York Giants are to winning as Joe is to not.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Illegal Similie

Why, Joe, he doth bestride the bright side and the red room like a Colossus.