2012 Euros Epigrams - Day...You do the metric conversion

Some can gaze at the 60 HD tvs and not be sick
But I could never learn that Red Room trick.
There's this to say for blood and breath 'neath all the smoke;
It is not the food, it is the service on which I doth choke.

-A.E. Housman (with apologies)

Summersterranean Homesick Blues

Joe's in the basement
Mixing up the medicine
You wanna know the truth?
Joe was stapling the booth
Because he sure as hell
Doesn't pay well
That's why the place is empty

Terry's on the pavement
Thinking about the government
Maya in the trench coat
Booty out, laid off
Says she's got a bad cough
Wants to punch you in the face

Look out kid A
It's somethin' you did
Gino knows when
Gino says you're doin' it again
You better duck down the alley way
But watch out for the iron gate

Lookin' for a new friend
The man in the lederhosen
Wavin' the German flag
Wants eleven dollar bills
You only got ten.

Sonny comes fleet foot
Face full of black soot
Talkin' that the heat put
Something in his bucket

The pay phone's tapped anyway
Then Joe took it completely away
Maya says that many say
I think they busted me in early May
Orders from the DA

Look out kid A
Don't matter what you did
Walk on your tip toes
Don't try, 'No Doz'
And stay away from picklebacks
You hear Guy Fieri likes Nickelback?

Keep a clean nose
Watch the plain clothes
You don't need a weather man
To know which way the wind blows.

But it doesn't blow in the Red room
Which is why there's so much smoke
That British guy can't take a joke
We should learn just to poke
Mr. Ascot in the eye

Get sick, get well
Hang around an ink well
Ring bell, hard to tell
If anything is goin' to sell

That's why the menu changes
Almost every other day
Specials, happy hour prices
Just some of the devices
Joe uses to baffle his customers

Try hard, get barred
Not allowed in the Red Room
Get back, write Braille
Get jailed, jump bail
Go to Jerry's subs when you fail

Look out kid A
You're gonna get hit
By users, cheaters
And six-time losers

Hang around the Courthouse theaters
Girl by the Margarita pool
Lookin' for a new fool
Don't follow leaders
Watch the parkin' meters.

Because they charge an arm and a fucking leg for a parking ticket in Arlington.

Rocket Man (I think its Going to be a Long, Long Time Before I get another drink)

She poured my beer. Pre-happy hour.
Zero hour. Eight P.M.
And I'm gonna be high as a kite by then

I miss the Earth so much
I miss my bartender
Its lonley out in the Red Room

And I think its going to be a long, long time
Til a beer brings me around again to fine
I'm not the slow drinker they think I am at all
Oh no no no, I am a Rocket Man

Illegal Similie

Why, Joe, he doth bestride the bright side and the red room like a Colossus.

Third Time is a Charm

One, two buckle my skate. Three, four I'll play next week at this rate.

I just wanted to let all my adoring fans know that I skated with my teammates for the third day in a row. What have I been doing for the 33 days before that?

I've spent a lot of time in the Red Room at Summers.

I ate up all the sliders which is why they're not available on the menu anymore (which is the same reason I have to skate every day because that shit makes you fat and slow and tired). I also drank all the Grand Marnier which is why its never in stock. I also drank all the Molson Canadian which is why its not available anymore either.

I just wish I could eat up all the HD tvs so Joe would have to get actual HD tvs.

Top 10 Reasons to Give Thanks

Summers is much maligned in these pages (not that anyone reads them), but the recent passage of American Thanksgiving has given me pause to stop and smell the roses and reflect on the reasons that I give thanks for Summers. So, without further ado, or Freddy Adu, the top ten reasons I am thankful for Summers:

10. Cheap Pint Night on Thursday.
9. Gino Azzouzi.
8. Sliders Special on Wednesday.
7. Non-Red Room Bathroom doors that lock.
6. Shawn, Lika & John
5. Red Room Regulars.
4. Yeungling.
3. The patio.
2. Half-price burgers.
1. The convenience.

Come on Up to the House

The Blue Moon is broken. The moldy tile is cracked. Come on up to the Red Room. The only things that you can see is all the oxygen you lack because of all the smoke, but come on up to the Red Room. All your crying for another beer don't do you no good, come down off your high horse, we could use the meat to make sliders, you gotta come on up to the Red Room. Come on up to the Red Room. Summers is not my home, I'm just passing through, you gotta come on up to the Red Room. You have no life in the metro tunnel, no irons in the fire, so come on up to the Red Room. You're singing lead soprano in a functional alcoholic's choir, you got to come on up to the Red Room. Does the service seem nasty, brutish and short? You have to come on up to the Red Room anyway. The seas are stormy, and you can't find no other bar, just come on up to the Red Room. Come on up to the Red Room. There's nothing in the world that you can do, you gotta come on up to the Red Room.

Pirates of the Red Room: At Wit's End

I admit it.

I can't get over a guy wearing a pirate hat with a plume. Especially when he looks like Geoffrey Rush and sounds like Matthew McCougnahey in Dazed and Confused. Now Dazed and Confused is a great movie, but Cap'n Sam is a terrible host.

First, he looks like an actual pirate. Who the hell wants to sing karaoke with a pirate? If I had a nickel for every time he forced me to sing Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum, I'd have enough to buy a Summers sampler platter.

Why would I want to buy a Summers sample patter? I don't know. I've been in Malaysia for a year and I forgot how terrible the food was and I wanted all the horrible memories and the terrible indigestion flooding back at once. I would never actually buy a Summers sample platter. I just said Summers sample platter because I like the alliteration.

Second, he's got no friends. Mostly because he's a pirate, who can trust him? I also don't think he has friends because he doesn't actually bring any customers to Summers. They're all too afraid that he will make them walk the plank. Or sing a Cher song. The only people that show up for karaoke are people that actually think he's Geoffrey Rush and they ask him about Shine and the King's Speech.

Third, most people are here because its Friday night, not because Cap'n Barbossa is getting a crew together to storm Port Royale and steal the dead man's chest. You turned everyone in the Red Room into zombies and that's a curse, but that doesn't mean you're in charge. It just means that you were in the right place at the right time and were the beneficiary of the "Who Wants to Chug?" mantra that turned everyone into drunken pirate zombies in the first place.

Be-Labor Day Weekend

I hate to belabor day the point, but its nice to have a bartender that knows what they're doing working the Red Room. By no small coincidence, it was nice to see John Sturm back in circulation this week. One night he was working, I saw a customer got a beer before their other beer was done. No waiting? Well, paint my doorstop pink and call me Sally. Maybe Joe's had a change of heart and actually wants to serve customers in the Red Room. It would be a nice change of pace.

Sweet Smell of September

I love the smell of September in the um, what time is it, Joe runs the red room like a casino and I can never tell what time it is. Seriously, someone help me out here. Anyone got the time? You with the hair, when did you get here? How long have you been waiting for that beer? I know it seems like forever, but that's not helping me.

Doesn't anyone actually wear a watch anymore oh wait I can just look it up on my phone, you know if I had a phone and opposable thumbs instead of a doorstop, and I'm not bitter because Joe said he was going to give me a raise, next time, and I won't hold my breath but the reflection off the windows says its late evening and I should be on break because because its Thursday and who the hell comes to Summers on a Thursday, but I'm just cranky because I haven't used the old door stop in weeks, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, as I was saying, I love the sweet smell of September, it smells like customers.

This place has been a ghost town since the Caps choked in the playoffs.

Again.

Its has also been a long hot summer listening to customers watch CNN and the bikini channel. It will be nice to have some real sports on those hi def tv (cough_bullshit_cough) scattered about the bar. And whether they're hi def tvs or not, it will be nice to have some real sports fans in the red room watching some real sports.

Classic

Classic Joe.

The going away party was supposed to start at 7 and the doors weren't even open until 7:10.

Plus, there wasn't even anyone there for the first half hour because nobody had seen the one sign taped to the wall on the side of one of the stalls in the mens room on the light side. Don't get me wrong, I did not like working with Mya but she's worked here for a long time and the best you can do is put up a flyer on the wall in the toilet?

I shudder to think what will happen to me when you take me off my hinges and sell me for scrap.

And the food was a long time in coming. It was supposed to be complimentary but it wasn't available until about twenty o'clock which isn't much of a compliment.

And for Christ's sake, Mya bought more drinks than you did Joe and it was her fucking going away party. That's poor form and shows a blatant disrepect for your employees.

How the hell are you going to get a decent bartender to work the red room if you don't respect them and you won't love them in the morning?

Mr. Smokes Too Much

I was in Summers the other night with a friend of mine. Let's call him Morococino. This Morococino gets in a discussion with the owner of the bar at which we were satten. Satting? Had been satting? Anyway, the owner of this bar says to Morococino you should start a smoking club that meets here at this bar, let call it Plumbers.

Just FYI, the service at Plumbers sucks.

Ordering a beer at Plumbers is like dealing with an actual plumber. They both charge you an arm and a leg and don't actually fix the problem you're having. Plus, the company they work for tells you they will be there between 10-6 and they're not there even there when your beer is empty or when you want another drink or basically any time you sit down at the bar.

But my friend, Morococino, gets into a discussion with the owner of the bar about creating a smoking club that meets at his shitty dive bar.

The thing that bothered me the most was that the owner of the bar, let's call him Ho, expected my friend to bring in all the customers for smoking night.

I've never been a big fan of Ho's, but he's wearing his own ass for a hat if he thinks its his customers resposibility to bring in more customers.

And having a smoking night is about the dumbest idea I've ever heard for going to a bar (besides a going away party for Mya I mean). Good beer, good prices, good service, those are all good, no great, reasons for going to a bar.

You know what a bad reason for going to a bar is?

To hear the owner of the bar tell you you're the reason his bar sucks.

That's Not A Going Away Party...

... this is a going away party. I have to say that Mya has not been one of my favourite co-workers but Joe has done his usual piss-poor job of organizing a special event and then not actually telling anyone about it. I've not enjoyed working with Mya but I have to say that she deserves a better going away party than being cooped up in the Red Room with a bunch of fucking losers, I mean regulars, I mean friends of hers. I'm not one, but I know she has friends and someone needs to do a better job of inviting people to the event (everyone's invited, unlike most nights at summers when nobody is invited and people are actually turned away at the door because joe doesn't want customers) than putting one sign on the back wall of the ladies room (yeah, im a man but i had to go real bad and the sign on the red room door warned me that the door wouldn't lock). Speaking of real bad, I want one of those House Brand Cocktails real bad, because if Summers is making its own booze I gotta taste some of that and hell I'd work the still out back just to get a taste. And they better be good cacktails because if there's one thing that Mya does do well it is make a good cocktail. I am hoping for the best even though Joe's track record ain't too good because as much as it pains me to say it, Mya deserves better. And that snack food better be fucking complimentary to me because I just polished up the old door stop and I am looking damn fine.

Ding Dong

The Witch is dead.

And I'm not talking about Glenda the Good Witch.

Garden Party

I went to a garden party to reminisce with my old friends
A chance to share old memories and tell our stories again
When I got to the garden party, they all knew my name
But I couldn't get a beer, so I need someone to blame.

The co-opted Rick Nelson lyrics aside, every once in a while I like to venture outside the confines of the red room. I need to see how the other half lives. This time I went a little further afield and went to a garden party.

Fine, it wasn't in a garden. It was outside though and I know because I could see what was happening. The red room is usually so dark I can't finish my crossword. Yeah, that's the ticket. Its because its dark and not because I'm stupid. Plus, when I returned from the garden party I didn't smell like smoke and I wasn't covered in a thin film of ash and other detritus.

One of the other things I like about garden parties is that I can get my own beer or fix my own drink. I don't have to wait for Skeletor to get back from break or return from fending off the advances of Ram-Man in the dugneon of Castle Grayskull.

And garden parties have way better music. The red room was playing some good tunes there for a red hot minute, but its back to being pretty non-scottish right now. And if its not scottish its crap! The party I went to played some Lyle Lovett and Bob Marley. And did I just hear a track from King Curtis? That's some good shit.

Man, I love this tune. Time to get another beer.

By the power of Grayskull. I have the power. To get me another beer.

Cuidado!

Cuidado indeed. What we need is some fucking bartendertronics in the red room. I mean Joe has to do something to improve customer service and equipping the staff with cartronics might be a good start. Caution: bartender will STOP suddenly if taken out of the red room. That way I can get a beer without having to wait eleven minutes and without having to figure out what to say to the two canadian ex-pats at the end of the bar who do nothing but talk about star wars and javascript.

Summers Van Winkle

Who the hell put the roofie in my drink?

I feel like I've been asleep for twenty years but its only been three weeks judging by the last blog post. The last thing I remember is some tourist that looked vaguely familiar and bore a striking resemblance to an overweight Josh Hartnet with a bad goatee walking into the Red Room and yelling "Who's Ready for a Bear Fight?"

And then yelling "Who's ready for another Bear Fight?"

And then yelling it again and again and ag...

The Wreck of the Red Room Disaster

The legend lives on from Clarendon on down
In the sketchy bar they call Summers
The Red Room it is said never gives up her dead
Just sitting back there is a bummer

With a load of empty beers
There were plenty of fears
The server would never return

Though good customers are few
The complaints still ring true
Someone should be there to serve them

If the Red Room is open
Someone is always hopin'
To get one more brew

It may be a slow news day
But if its a Tuesday
Have someone working the bar

Allergies

I am allergic to smoke. I am also allergic to tourists. And apparently I am allergic to customers because Joe doesn't even let them in the Red Room anymore.

Opening Day At Summers

I wasn't there but I will offer my unsolicited opinion that organizing an opening day event at Summers was the worst idea that Joe has had since he decided to charge a cover fee for salsa dancing lessons, and then provide them for free because nobody showed up and then fire that salsa dancing company because they were pretty fucking brutal and only encouraged summers staff members to skip their shifts so they could dress like tarts and try and entrap a husband and then he decided to hire a new slsa dancing teacher and chage more at the door.

That being said, baseball is the most boring sport since billiards.

There are also 180 games. The first one makes no fucking difference. Plus, baseball games are shown on a dozen channels. It is not like Joe has exclusive rights to Seven Nations Rugby or that bikini swimsuit channel that's always on in the Red Room.

I know. I hate baseball. I'm biased. But I love Summers.

I think Joe could have come up with a more original idea than a baseball opening day event.

Which only begs the question, what if Joe throw a party and nobody showed up?