Dead Cats, Dead Mall Rats

Dead Cats, Dead Mall Rats
Did ya see where they where at?

Can you believe the gall
of shoppers at the mall
who build a berlin wall
as they walk down the hall
hoping to get that call
so they slow to a crawl

And they get on my case
as I create some space
so I can tie my shoelace
so I don't fall on my face
without an ounce of grace
as I try to find that place

Where everybody knows your name
and we're just glad you came
because nobody is to blame
and Summers knows the game
and their claim to fame
is how their service is lame

And although the service is slow
is doesn't interrupt the flow
or harsh on my mellow
like idiots that don't know
that the escalators go
up and down

The Airing of Grievances

The most depressing thing about celebrating Festivus at Summers is that the grievances are always the same, year after year, and still Joe doesn't listen.

Grievance 1 - Get new bartenders. I know you're under the gun and want to hire people in this country without a visa so you don't have to pay them so the IRS won't catch up with you, but I'm not even asking for someone that speaks English, I just want someone that can actually serve me beer, and servce me the beer that I ordered, and serve me the beer that I order in a resonable time window.

Grievance 2 - Get a new marketing plan. Nobody knows nothing about anything, and I don't know the first thing about anything that's going on at Summers until I walk into the Red Room and make it all they way to the back of the smoke-filled space and find the one sign that's been posted letting people know about new specials.

Grievance 3 - Get a new PR firm. I know PR and marketing are kinda the same thing but the PR firm is supposed to put the marketing plan into action and so far whatever marketing plan you've been using has been implemented worse than the Schlieffen plan and even then Germany was able to win a few battles. Joe has won no battles save the battle to drive customers away and make less work for his staff.

Grievance 4 - Do something with the Red Room. I understand the Red Room branding concept, but its not even red really. Painting it red and green in the back corner makes the customers that are already light-headed from the smoke and the smell of Mya's prefume, it makes them nauseous. Finish the fucking job for once.

Grievance 5 - Get rid of the Canadians. They're annoying and not funny.

Summers Christmas List

10. New Bartenders - Seriously, Summers needs new bartenders.
9. New Color Scheme - I know the red & green color scheme of the "Red Room" is very holiday and very festive, but it makes me nauseous.
8. New ceiling tiles - The moldy tiles are very moldy.
7. New Happy Hour Specials - Happy Hour until Eight is great, but what have you done for me lately, and every good bar has eight is great specials.
6. New televisions - You might actually want to show sports on your televisions rather than CNN or local news, you know, condsidering you say you're a sports bar.
5. New Facebook Page - The current page doesn't seem to be drawing in customers.
4. New Customers - The current customers don't seem to be responding to the facebook page.
3. New Customers - I suppose you might also want new customers that don't understand bad service but respond to asians with bad attitudues and no customer service skills that are dressed in short skirts.
2. New Customers - You might also want customers who put up with all your bullshit and actually understand why you keep the back bar open but don't actually staff it with people.
1. New Customers - You also might want customers who sympathize with you as a bad small business owner who is under such pressure to make a profit that he cuts corners and hires short-sighted mal-adjusted asians who doesn't speak english and don't have any customer service skills and actually drive customers away because they're so bad which is the worst business plan of 2010, but here's to turning it around in 2011.

Slummers Advent Calendar - Day 25

Today in the advent calendar I found gold, frankincense and mya which was awkward because the mya smells rotten and isn't any kind of a good gift in the first place.

Slummers Advent Calendar - Day 24

today I found the true meaning of Christmas which is friends and family.

Slummers Advent Calendar - Day 23

Today in my advent calendar I found the blueprints for the bar that Joe wanted Summers to be before he got old and lazy and just started going through the motions by repainting the back bar the color of Santa vomit and by hiring slow sim-witted bartenders that can speak many different languages but no language a customer understands.

Slummers Advent Calendar - Day 22

Today in my advent calendar I found the user manual for my new phone so I can actually dial out or check my voicemail, you know when you are forced to leave me a message since I still can't answer the phone because the whole slidy thing confuses me.

Slummers Advent Calendar - Day 21

Today I found all of those people that hang out at the mall during the day and I don't mean the cool National Mall with monuments and such, I mean the mall where the really sad and depressing people hang out at the food court even when the stores aren't open.

Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars, Other Men are from Saskatchewan

I know nothing about women. That's why I have nothing but time to sit around and write this blog which is ironic considering I totally think this blog is the one thing that's finally going to get more ladies to notice me. I mean I haven't had such fine ladies holla at me this damn much since I was the one white dude standing in line for the Usher concert.

Anyway, I don't know nothing about ladies which is why I sit around my apartment and type up all these rants about how frustrated I am. That being said, there are a few things I know about meeting ladies and especially meeting ladies at Summers.

One, ladies at Summers don't want to listen to you talk about yourself, especially if you're talking about curling or Star Wars novels outside the George Lucas-approved story arc, but especially about curling.

Two, ladies at Summers don't want to listen to you tell bartenders how to make a drink, even if its one you just made up yourself on the spot, and even if the bartender is a Summers bartender and doesn't know how to make drinks in the first place (nb - how you treat others is how you will treat her).

Three, you're never the funniest person in the Red Room. Gino is. If Gino is not there, just pretend that he is because word will get back to him. If word doesn't get back to him, I will post something on his Facebook page so that he will focus on you and forget the $1000 I bet against the Caps that one time.

Four, wear a regular hat or a toque and stop being such a pretentious ass.

Five, ladies don't want to listen to you talk about how awesome your hockey team is or whether the three guitars of Lynyrd Skynyrd are just flat out better than the two guitars of the Allman Brothers even though numerical superiority would seem to indicate that Allen Collins, Ed Kng & Gary Rossington trump Duane Allman & Dickey Betts for sheer ability to do more with more, but I digress and that's just a digression ladies at Summers wouldn't put up with so take a lesson from me you Saskatchewan Simpleton, you need to step up your game if you want a gorgeous new gal.

Slummers Advent Calendar - Day 20

So that's where my Pet Rock was hiding? If I had known, I would have taken it to Summers and used it to hit the slow dim-witted bartender in the head and told her to get me another beer.

Slummers Advent Calendar - Day 19

Today in my advent calendar I found a seat cushion and book of soduku puzzles that have Donovan McNabb's name written all over them. I know regifting is lame, but he's got nothing else to do.

Boots or Hearts?

I know you can't judge a book by its cover but can you judge a concert by its audience?

I would like to think that I can keep an open mind but as I was wandering aimlessly around the Verizon Center last night I saw a lot of people. Not only did I see a lot of people, I saw a lot of ladies. Not only did I see a lot of ladies, I saw a lot of young ladies. Not only did I see a lot of young ladies, I saw a lot of young ladies in tight pants and high heels.

I was just in the neighborhood to see Tron, I couldn't imagine that there were this many young hotties to see Tron in 3-D too. Little did I know.

When I was trying to order a drink from the bartender who had trouble seeing me because of all the young ladies in high heels, I ordered a beer and when I asked if I could pay he asked me if I was going to the Usher concert too.

Now I don't want to draw a direct corelation of all the young hotties in heels to Usher, but the movie audience for Tron 3-D didn't have any young hotties, let alone women in general, it was just a bunch of unfunny white nerds trying to outdo eacher other with video game jokes.

And I was like I spent $15 to listen to unfunny nerds when I could have gone to Summers?

Slummers Advent Calendar - Day 18

Today in my advent calendar I found Joe's remote control so now maybe I can get my game on one of the televisions in Summers and finally watch a fucking hockey game at the bar. Drinking myself into a blind stupor at home by myself because my hockey team sucks so bad I want to cry in public is getting pretty depressing.

Slummers Advent Calendar - Day 17

says thank God that I found Usher tickets behind flap 17 so I could go to the Verizon Center and see something that didnt suck as bad as one of the professional sports teams.

Slummers Advent Calendar - Day 16

Today I found Long Duk Dong passed out on my front lawn. What are you doing hot stuff?

Top 10 Reasons why Summers is better than Verizon Center

10. Beer is cheaper in Virginia.

9. Summers has bathrooms and I don't have to wait in line.

8. Mike Green never shows up at Summers.

7. I can watch other games besides the Caps as Summers.

6. I won't get hit in the head by a puck at Summers.

5. Summers has no Red Rockers cheerleaders.

4. Summers shows no Tom Green clips (canadians aren't funny!).

3. There are no Caps fans, bandwagon or otherwise, at Summers.

2. People who watch hockey at Summers know what a penalty is.

1. No disrepect to Mr. Christopher Walken (please don't kill me), but there are times when you really don't need more cowbell. If Caps fans knew anything about hockey or anything about music, they would know that cowbells have no place at hockey games. We are in Washington DC for Christ's sake, its not like we're watching hockey in Minnesota where we're all farmers and the only date we could get to the hockey game was the neighbor's cow in the next pasture and even then a cowbell would give away the fact that you brought a cow as a date to the hockey game and how patethic is that I mean not that I have anything against anyone from Minnesota or anyone living in Minnesota or playing for the Minnesota Vikings or OH MY God is it just me or can I get on with my life now that the Brett Favre saga is over and not that it is over because its not over until its over and I can't wait for more details on the Favre sexting scandal because its been almost a year since the Tiger Woods sexting scandal broke and you can't go an entire year without tarnishing one of your sports heroes whom you had previously placed on a pedestal and not that I ever but Brett Favre on a pedestal but he really was more palatable than Kurt Warner who bagged groceries for a living before coming to the NFL and who the hell bags groceries for a living anymore what with Peapod or bagging your own fucking groceries for crying out loud and what is this country coming to where a person is so fucking lazy that they can't pick up their quart of milk or loaf of bread off the end of the conveyor belt and put it in the bag that was so kindly provided for them even though they should have brought their own bag just to save the environment and ease the burden on others and ease the burden on future generations but what do DC-area bandwagon Caps fans know about future generations because they're already clamoring for Ovechkin's head and Leonsis's head before the halfway point of the season which just goes to show you again that Caps fans know nothing about hockey because it is not even close to playoff time for Christ's sake and everyone and their grandmother is already circling the wagaons which is why I hate Caps fans and hate the Verizon Center crowd because it is the same people that think that they can rattle a fucking cowbell in my ear and spur their team on to greatness that think they are true hockey fans and that's just not going to be the case at Summers because people and patrons at Summers always keep it real.

Slummers Advent Calendar - Day 15

This advent calendar sucks because the only thing I found was the same thing the Caps found which is just another way to lose. I think the Caps are worse than the Redskins because at least the Skins try.

These Are Not the Droids You're Looking For

And Summers is not the worst run local business ever.

As much as I like to disparage Joe's inability to think outside the box and his inability to hire more than two competent staff people at a time and his inability to communicate with his customers or even god forbid anticipate customer needs, I will say that Summers is by no means the worst run local area business.

That dubious distinction belongs to Metro.

I'm not even sure where to start. Metro's service the last three days has been so piss-poor I'm tempted to buy a car and add to the area's traffic woes.

Metro has the worst business model ever because they keep raising prices while customer service goes down the toilet, the delays grow longer and more trains & escaltors go the way of my 3G phone.

I understand that Metro is beholden to a faceless controlling board and that there are too many cooks in the kitchen, but as with any business you need to learn how to grow a pair and take leadership on the issue. Lead by example.

And speaking of service, Metro has worse service than the Red Room. The PA announcements about there's a delay due to a train problem tells your customers absolutely nothing. There are always delays and you're never on time so tell me something new. And not to point fingers, but you're helping to keep fear alive.

Every time you tell us there's a train malfunction and we read about someone dying or a train catching on fire and blowing up only leads us to believe that is what is happening every time. The less information you share, the more you scare everybody.

And it shouldn't take an NASA rocket scientist to figure out that outdoor escalators should have been covered from the get-go so your plea that you need to raise rates because you need to repair escalators is falling on deaf ears. You should have had enough foresight to build that into the budget in the first place.

And the list of complaints I have about Metro is longer than the Christmas list I gave Santa Claus so I could talk all night, but y'all know how I hate to run my mouth so to make a long story short I will end my rant here.

Suffice it to say that the service problems that Metro has does puts the fact that I have to wait fifteen minutes for my beer in the Red Room all in perspective.

Slummers Advent Calendar - Day 14

I just found the shredded remains of Gino & Chris' Caps bandwagon tickets. I knew they weren't real fans but those Caps playoffs tickets I got them for Christmas will be a waste. Hopefully I acutally find a Caps victory somewhere in this advent calendar.

Top 10 Reasons the Mall is Better than Summers

10. No Mya
9. No Little Gary
8. No Mean Joe Green
7. No Oregon Ducks Fans
6. No that guy who pisses Gino off
5. No...

Oh who the hell am I kidding? I fucking hate the mall. Just because I don't run into the above listed idiots at the mall doesn't mean the mall is better, it just means I don't see them or I need to clean my glasses. I hate the mall and I love Summers

Slummers Advent Calendar - Day 13

Today behind door 13 I discovered Graham Gano looking through the job listings in the classified section of the Washington Post. If you don't get it, you don't get it.

Top 10 Reasons Summers is Better than the Mall

10. There's nobody at Summers during the holiday season.
9. Summers doesn't have a Yankee Candle store.
8. People don't stand to the left on the escalators at Summers.
7. I know where everything in Summers is without looking at a floor plan.
6. There are no screaming kids at Summers.
5. Summers has pitchers of beer.
4. Ugg boots are banned at Summers.
3. Summers has a washroom I can find easily and use more easily than that.
2. The only massages at Summers are in the dungeon out of my sight, not in the food
court where I can see obeseters getting their rolls kneaded while I try to eat.
1. There's nobody at Summers actually trying to sell me anything, unlike the pushy
cart vendors at the Mall. I mean I have to chew my right arm off and use it to beat
Joe over the head to get someone to come to the Red Room to serve me beer.

Slummers Advent Calendar - Day 12

Today behind door 12 I find Joe with a trash bag and a garden hose burying god knows what under the azaleas. Which reminds me, has anyone seen Sami recently?

The Summers Inquisition

Nobody expects the Summers Inquisition!

Our chief weapon is surprise. Surprise and bad service. Our two weapons are surprise and bad service and ruthless efficiency in ignoring the customer. Our three weapons in driving away customers are surprise and bad service and ruthless efficiency in ignoring the customer and an almost fanatical devotion to Joe. Our four, no, amongst our weapons, amongst our weaponry are such elements as surprise, bad service, igorance of the customers and an inability to serve drinks. Ah. I'm never coming here again.

Slummers Advent Calendar - Day 11

Today I find glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

Slummers Advent Calendar - Day 10

Miracle of all miracles, I find a free beer from Mya because who knew that she even knew how to serve beer, let alone how to serve beer on the house.

Slummers Advent Calendar - Day 9

Behind Door Number 9 #9 Number 9, I find John buried Paul.

SummersLeaks

Someone at Summers is defacing public property.

Slummers Advent Calendar - Day 8

My slate can grate and don't hate that to date its been shark bait and fate has brought you no mate like Tate Donovan in a crate while John Waite serenades your pate at a great rate before its too late and behind gate eight I find a can of red paint.

Slummers Advent Calendar - Day 7

On Pearl Harbor Day, it is kind of ironic I find a copy of a memo warning FDR about an impending attack by the Japanese on a naval base in Hawaii.


On a serious note, thank you again to all men & women who serve in the Armed Forces, especially on a day like today which reminds of the deaths of people who serve.

Slummers Advent Calendar - Day 6

Behind Flap 6 I find a copy of the very first Washington Post.

Slummers Advent Calendar - Day 5

Today I found some instructions on how to play Cornhole.

Slummers Advent Calendar - Day 4

Behind flap four, I find one dead unjugged rabbit fish.

Slummers Advent Calendar - Day 3

Behind Door Number 3, I actually find the game I want to watch already on a Summers tv.

Slummers Advent Calendar - Day 2

And behind Door 2, I find a pair of Ugg boots someone donated because they were afraid to wear them out in public because they look like shit and are not an appropriate form of dress for anyone.

Slummers Advent Calendar - Day 1

Behind Door 1, I find a keg of Peroni left over from the FIFA World Cup.