Saturday, December 31, 2011

59 Theses

59 Things Joe could do better in 2012.

1. Bring back sliders.
2. Bring back trivia night.
3. Get rid of Cap'n Sam.
4. Get rid of Sammii.
5. Get rid of the garbage salad.
6. Get rid of the red lights.
7. Read the customer surveys you distributed.
8. Take the advice those surveys gave you.
9. Get rid of the annoying chick.
10. Play better music.
11. Buy another remote.
12. Bring back free chips and salsa.
13. Extend Happy Hour until 8:15.
14. Have a Foursquare special.
15. Read your Yelp reviews.
16. Read them again.
17. Take that advice.
18. Paint the entire Red Room.
19. Redo the bathrooms.
20. Redo your website.
21. Examine your social footprint.
22. Go green.
23. Listen to your customers.
24. Destroy rogue Facebook pages.
25. Because you don't understand technology.
26. Or your customers.
27. Or what they're saying about your restaurant.
28. Develop a fully stocked bar.
29. Change the decor.
30. Change the management style.
31. Change the happy hour specials.
32. Develop a catch phrase.
33. Have a mascot.
34. Buy a new shirt.
35. Buy some new stools for the bar.
36. Replace the ceiling tiles.
37. Consider replacing the framed pictures.
38. Get a lock for that bathroom door.
39. Install a bell so we can ring for service.
40. Think about your mobile strategy.
41. Bring back the Golden Tee machine.
42. Bring back customers.
43. Institute a mug night.
44. Offer free pretzels.
45. Offer something.
46. Offer free drinks.
47. I meant don't.
48. That would be irresponsible.
49. But you can trust me.
50. But I don't because I lie a lot.
51. I swear.
52. Apropos of nothing, give Shawn a raise.
53. Allow people to watch the games they want.
54. Don't show CNN even thought its an election year.
55. Keep the same specials for a month.
56. Keep the same happy hour specials for two weeks.
57. Because you don't want to keep confusing your customers.
58. Or they will stop showing up to buy beer.
59. Like they're doing these days...

Friday, December 30, 2011

Third Time is a Charm

One, two buckle my skate. Three, four I'll play next week at this rate.

I just wanted to let all my adoring fans know that I skated with my teammates for the third day in a row. What have I been doing for the 33 days before that?

I've spent a lot of time in the Red Room at Summers.

I ate up all the sliders which is why they're not available on the menu anymore (which is the same reason I have to skate every day because that shit makes you fat and slow and tired). I also drank all the Grand Marnier which is why its never in stock. I also drank all the Molson Canadian which is why its not available anymore either.

I just wish I could eat up all the HD tvs so Joe would have to get actual HD tvs.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

The Second Day of Christmas

On the second day of Christmas, Joe gave to me two different fish specials and a bartender in a pear tree.

Two different fish specials in the same week? Joe should go back to reading the Yelp reviews so that he knows the fish specials aren't so special in the first place. We also all know that he has trouble pulling customers in through the front door, so his brilliant strategy is to give them more of the same? There are better food items and Joe should think about letting his customers know what else is available.

Garbage Salad and Russian Trashcan Tuesday would be a good start.

Monday, December 26, 2011

The First Day of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas, Joe gave to me a bartender in a pear tree.

And I wasn't stuck in the pear tree with them so I couldn't get them to serve me a beer (the entire supply of which was hanging from another branch in the pear tree)and they were deathly afraid of heights so I couldn't get them to even come over to talk to me so that I could order a beer. Merry fucking Christmas to me.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Slummers Advent Calendar - Day 21

55 mph speed limit. Because Sammy Hagar can't drive 55 and Samii can't bartend.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Slummers Advent Calendar - Days 1-20

Day 1 - I don't care what's behind Door 1 because I need a fucking personal assistant to remind me to post to this blog more than once every six weeks.

Day 2 - A marketing campaign. That's no use, Joe already knows everything there is to know about marketing Summers.

Day 3 - A decent bartender. Summers has some good bartenders already, but the place is open seven days a week and there are sometimes customers there everyday.

Day 4 - Blue electrical tape. Joe can never have enough.

Day 5 - A Big Daddy. Although its kinda gross because it was packaged up in this advent calendar when Joe started the promotion a couple of weeks ago.

Day 6 - Whiteboard menus. Joe changes the menus often enough that it would just be easier if he could wipe them all clean rather than reprinting them (with errors).

Day 7 - #summersrestaurantandsportsbar hashtag. Its a long fucking hashtag, but Joe has jumped in with both feet to the social media pool and Summers is BLOWING UP on Twitter. Watch out Ashton and Lady Gaga, Joe's tweets are off the hook.

Day 8 - A pint of Yuengling. You can never go wrong with a cold beer. Great gift.

Day 9 - A good Yelp review. I don't know who wrote it, but its very very rare and worth a lot of money.

Day 10 - A universal remote. Excellent. Joe could always use another remote because he only has one for the 60 HD tvs in Summers (maybe that's why it takes so long to get my game on the hd television (which isn't really hd)).

Day 11 - Stainless steel bucket. Must be for Sonny.

Day 12 - A can of Resolve. Might be for Sonny, but someone sure as hell needs to clean the carpet again.

Day 13 - Moldy Tiles. Summers has enough of those already but the more the merrier.

Day 14 - A dead parrot. Hey Cap'n Sam, did you take what was in here and leave your dead parrot here?

Cap'n Sam: Its not dead, its resting. Look.

Me: Look my favorite karaoke DJ, I know a dead parrot when I see one.

Cap'n Sam: No, no, its resting.

Me: Okay, if its resting, I will wake it up. HELLO POLLY!

Cap'n Sam: There, it moved.

Me: No, that was you pushing the advent calendar.

Cap'n Sam: Its stunned.

Me: No, I've had enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased.

Day 15 - Crumpled-up customer surveys. Looks like Joe never read these.

Day 16 - Alex Ovechkin's mojo. No wonder he hasn't been scoring.

Day 17 - A Spa Finder gift certificate. Thanks, but who needs a gift certificate when you can get free unsolicited backrubs from Red Room patrons?

Day 18 - $100. So this is where Joe hid the money for the Salsa dancing contest.

Day 19 - A vuvuzela. Awesome! Wait, I almost forgot how annoying they are. I will have to regift this. By odd coincidence, I do need to get something for Slog1.

Day 20 - A candy cane.