Things I'm Not Thankful For...

I've lost the holiday spirit and I'm back to doom & gloom. For those that counsel always look on the bright side of life, I say don't hate the player, hate the game.

This stuff really sucked at Summers during November...

1. Blue Tape - Jesus H. Christ this pisses me off. Now I don't want to get off on another rant here, but

{ring} {ring}

Yo?

Ess-Dog?

Holla!

Its Eminem.

Wazzap?

Joe ain't gonna do nothing but piss me off. Lid to the can of whoop ass. Just twist me off. See me leap out. Pull my bank roll out. Fuck payin, I'm just tryin to see if the Yeungling keg it out.

No diggety, No doubt my brother.

Peace out Dog.

{click}

Seriously. Why does every fucking sign have to be put up with blue tape? Its pathetic. Go next door to CVS and buy some clear tape for crying out loud. Hell, I'd pay into a kitty just so I didn't have to see blue tape ever again at Summers. Seriously, Summers has two colors, red and green. Blue is no part of the Summers palette. And I know I'm belaboring a point, but think outside the dungeon for two seconds Joe, buy some new sign-hanging tape! Give yourself an early Christmas present.

2. The Redskins - This is not Joe's fault, but the team stunk up the joint worse than the smoke in the Red Room.

3. The Tea Party - I was disappointed to discover this was not in fact a band from Windsor, Ontario.

4. Salsa Night - I'd order a mojito at Summers like I'd order sushi at Summers.

5. Oregon Ducks - I know they're cheating somehow. Nobody scores that much.

6. Flyers Fans - How come the sparkly fists only appear at playoff time? Part-timers.

7. Baseball - I know they didn't play during November but its the most boring sport ever.

8. Red Room Service - If you're going to keep the Red Room open, send someone back there to count the dead soldiers like once every 15 minutes? Hell, I'd be happy with every 30 minutes just so I could update Google calendar and then tweet it out just to let everyone know. I think it is the not knowing that hurts the most.

Sid the Slew Foot Kid

Nice slew foot on Ryan Callahan last night Sid. If you ever pull that crap on me, you know when I return to the ice and if I can ever catch you because I am so slow and can't play defence and haven't hit anyone in my entire NHL career, but if you do pull that crap with me, I will kick your bitchy little ass, punk.

And if I ever see you at Summers watching a Steelers game while you're in town, I will kick your bitchy little ass then too, punk. Stay out of Arlington, its my hood.B

MGB

Day To Day

I'm listed as day-to-day on the injury reports which means I can't play and I can't practice and I probably shouldn't be seen in Cafe Asia buying Philadelphia rolls and a twelce count of unagi and half-priace sake, but I borrowed a Segway from Albert Haynesworth so I should be able to make it to Happy Hour and back without any further further injury right?

I Am Thankful For..

I know its not Thanksgiving any longer, and so this post is completely irrelevant, but the stupid Internet broke under the weight of all the Black Friday etailing so I couldn't post and I couldn't get these stupid and pointless ramblings out of my head so now that the Internet seems on again I have to get rid of these ghosts and wisps of thought that are circulating through my mind.

Top 10 Things I'm Thankful for this Thanksging...

1. Summers - Seriously, I love the place. The beer is cheap; seats are plentiful, frat boy meatheads are not; and really I just want to go where everyone knows my name.

2. The Red Room - Better Red than Dead.

3. Bandwagon Fans - If the Caps and Redskins and DC United didn't have so many bandwagon fans, I wouldn't be able to talk to anyone about sports.

4. Molson Canadian Night - Its beer AND its Canadian. Kill two Loonies with one stone.

5. Due South - I'm not really thankful for Due South although I am watching it courtesy of Netflix (and i dont want to get off on a rant here, but why the hell is netflix raising their dvd rental fees and i dont want to hear from any fratboy meatheads (coughthebedazzlercough) who want to get brownie points by yammering on about how netflix is changing their revenue structure and will be a streaming-only company, i know that, i can read the trade mags, im just saying that streaming a movie or show means no dvd extras which is one of the main reasons i buy dvds in the first place not that im mad or anything im just sayin) and thinking about Molson Canadian made me think of Due South and Leslie Nielsen who passed away recently and I had just watched an episode with him in it, but anyway, RIP Leslie Nielsen.

6. 8 - Happy Hour until 8 is like the best idea Joe has had ever. EVER.

7. The Great 8 - I actually hate him because his success keeps driving ticket prices up, but without him nobody in this town would even know how to spell hockey.

8. Mya - Its a thin line between love and hate. And seriously, I am unoriginal and so without her I don't think I would be able to post anything creative.

9. Yeungling - Its not Molson Canadian. But its beer. And its brewed in a town called Pottsville. And doesn't look like piss (coughmillerlitecough) or smell like piss (coughperonicough (oh no he didnt! oh yes he did! they were serving beer from one keg for like three months!))

10. The barbacks - Sonny, Oomba, et al put up with a lot of shit and I really appreciate the fact that they put up with my drunken antics and clean up my messes.

11. Summers - Seriously. I'm making a point and I can't count.

Tweet From The Blue Line

OMG! Did u see the puck I took 2 the knee? WTF? I didn't know hockey was supposed to hurt.

The Enemy of My Enemy Is My Facebook Friend

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but since when did it become social to be anti-social?

As soon as I'm done ordering my beer, the bartender runs off to check her smartphone to see if I've posted a status update or tweeted about how awesome her service is. As soon as I run out of witty retorts or as soon as I run out props, the people I'm with check their phones because they want to be anywhere else but here.

Is it my fault I'm a prop comic in the tradition of Carrottop and I can only bring so many props in my backpack? Is it my fault I'm not naturally witty and I have to depend on the contents of my European carryall to entertain y'all?

I thought the whole point of all these new-fangled gizmos was to allow people to communicate with other people. What's the point if you're texting someone on the other side of the world about how the Caps will actually show up in the playoffs this year when you could be talking to me about how you're not a bandwagon fan.

Seriously. I'm sitting right next to you.

The Weight

I pulled into Summers, I was feelin about half past dead
Just need to find a place where I can say zee like zed
"Hey, androgynous hermaphrodite, can I get a beer?"
He/she just grinned and asked are you queer?
And no was all that Joe said

Take a load off Sammy
Take a load for free
Take a load off Sammy
Shitty serivce affects me

I picked up my backpack and went looking for a place to hide
Saw Carmen and the First Soprano walkin' side by side
I said, "Hey First Soprano, come on, would you go down on me?"
She said, "Well I gotta go, and I just don't do that for free."

Take a load off Mya
Take a load for free
She's the worst bartender
That I ever did see

No shirt, No shoes, No Stanley Cup

Not that I'm jealous or anyhting, but maybe you should put on a shirt until we win the Stanley Cup.

Red Room Latitudes

when the patronless red room consipres an armor
and mya's sullen and aborted
attempts breed really pissed off customers
true service is dead

awkward instant
and the first customers bails
legs furiously puming
because they can't wait to escape
pushing open summers new door
a sweet release from the prison
that has engulfed their soul

and even though a shadow
has crossed their brow
or pretended to serve
they leave no tip

her service is so terrible
awful
slow
bad
dire
tough
ugly
stinking
unpleasant

In mute nostril agony
because I can't stand the smell of smoke
or the odor of the death that rises up from the dungeon
where Joe lets sleeping ghosts lie

and the ghosts of bartenders past hang in the rafters
the all knowing camera sees all and captures all

all except the sound of the butterfly
and the drone of the overhead muzak
and the pitter patter of little feat
that echo the sound of emptiness

the sense of solitude descends
the red room should be aflutter
but i am an army of one
as i struggle against the tide
of the feeling that drives everyone
to be somewhere else but here

Free Your Mind

Why oh why must it be this way?
Before you can read me Joe, you gotta learn how to see me
Free your mind, and the customers will follow.

Wise words. And Joe should be wise to the fact rogue is in vogue.

Seriously Joe, before you can read your customers you have to learn how to see your customers. Just because you see some salsa dancing flyers posted at El Pollo Rico or Costa Verde when you're there for dinner because you can't stomach the zesty wings or you need a break from interveiwing the latest job applicant in your dungeon doesn't mean that salsa dancing works for Summers. Know your customers and know your audience.

Besides, quantity does not equal quality and just because you see a few signs doesn't mean its cool, let alone good for business. I see a lot of signs in Arlington for Capital One Bank but those television commercials with the Great 8 and the Furious 5 are so awful that the more that I see them the less that I want to give my money to Capital One Bank. In an odd coincidence, the more salsa dancing posters I see at Summers, the less I want to give them my money.

At some level, I appreciate the effort. I do like going to Summers and I applaud every effort to make it better, but you actually have to try and make it better. You can't just throw shit against the wall and see if it sticks.

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but one of the benefits of social media is the ability to listen to customers. The whole point is to listen, not to tell. So again I say that before you read me, you gotta learn how to see me.

If you think every blog post, tweet, Facebook status update, yelp review, or e-mail is rogue, you're missing the point.

Beast of the East

We're the beast of the east. It doesn't matter that the Flyers are a hotter team than us or that they actually show up in the playoffs and have more to show for it than we do but still, we're the beast of the east. It doesn't help that we have a lot of bandwagon fans that like to jump on or off the bandwagon depending on how many goals I score on a given night, but still we're the bandwagon team of the east. I mean the beast of the east.

Hanging Chad

I know this blog doesn't have friends, let alone loyal friends, yeah I'm looking at you in the mirror and yeah I'm looking at you Oregon alums, you who finally got into the BCS and forgot who your real friend was, but that doesn't matter right now because I'm not talking about you, I'm just saying that if we did have one loyal friend it would be our fellow ex-pat Canadian Chad "Hell of a Hat" Meadows. Happy Birthday you Saskatchewan-is-what-you-get-ewan wannabe, but this post isn't about you, you're so vain.

The hanging chad referenced in the title is the hanging chad on the ballot that Mean Joe Green used to tally the success of Salsa Night. I've said it before on these hallowed pages, I'm here to watch sports and chat with friends (cheapest beer in arlington helps) and couldn't give a rat's ass about your salsa night.

And then I have to pay a $5 cover charge to even get into the Red Room? Are you fucking kidding me? The Red Room is the most smoke-filled den of inequity in Arlington and I have to pay you to fill my lungs with smoke and moldy tile particles?

And then you have the cajones ($4 cajones 4PM-7PM on salsa night) to tell me that I should show up on salsa night because it was so successful? Are you fucking kidding me, again? Just because you have more than three people in the Red Room on any given weekenight doesn't mean it is successful. Sure, you may have more people in the Red Room than usual, but they're not buying beer and you're pissing off everyone else in the joint, including the bartenders who don't get tips on water. Just fyi.

Come on Joe, don't bullshit a bullshitter.

Don't tell me what you think I want to hear, because I certainly don't want to hear salacious secrets about salsa night. Know your audience, know your customers, and really, at this point, you should really know better.

Happy Veterans Day

If veterans eat free at Applebee's today, they should eat free at Summers too but understands that anyone who endured basic training and a tour of duty wouldn't want to risk it all on eating at Summers.

Happy Veterans Day to all veterans and thank you for your service.

Summers is an American Beauty

I got a text the candyman was working the back bar. I thought to myself, I'm a friend of the devil, the Red Room is where I belong. When I walked up the hill to that brokedown palace I found it packed with trivia phanatics. When I pulled open Summers New Door, I felt a ripple as the collective knowledge in the red room flowed out. Once I made it past the operator in the funny hat talking about guitar chords, I made it to the corner seat. I ordered a beer and Gino said pour me some sugar magnolia. I said its Wednesday and I don't have to work tomorrow, I'm going to drink til the morning comes. After trivia ended, the bar was dead and I was grateful. Things were copacetic until Mya arrived. Phuck, here comes the box of rain. I'm truckin.

Report From The Blue Line

I would like to point out that I scored the game-winning goal the other night so all of those bloggers out there who doubt my ability to play hockey, how you like me now?

And can I just say, WTF Coach Shanahan? Granted the football I'm used to has three downs and a 110-year field, two teams called the Roughriders, and you get a point for catching a missed field goal, but no coach I know would pull his QB in the last two minutes of the game and then say he thought his backup quarterback gave the team a better chance to win the game. Hell, where I come from, if the guy gives you a better chance to win the game, he's a starter.

I know that because I'm in Washington I'm supposed to be a team player, but that's bullshit.

Good Time Summers Is Coming Down

Good Time Summers was alive in 1999
Now everybody's leaving town
'Cause Summers is coming down

So nail up the tinted windows
And close up Summers New Door
Good Time Summers is no more
Customers drove away in trucks
Customers tooks the train
Because Mya's serivce just sucks

The happy hour menu keeps printing lies
You can just see it in Joe's Lyin Eyes
These salsa-dancing idiots keep running round
That's why Good Time Summers is coming down

Republicans Rock Red Room with Rally To Restore Republicans

Red-state Republican Rally to Keep Fear Alive victory party in the Red Room tonight. No Blue Staters allowed, it is the Red Room after all. It is also Gino "They're saying Azzouzi not Hey Suzy" Azzouzi's birthday today so rock Molson Canadian Night for nothing other than to give Gino some sugar. Rock the Red so the Caps ruin the Maple Leafs. Once again Red triumps over Blue.

Rally to Restore Sa(lsa Ina)nity!

Let's get two things straight. Uno, Summers quiero tanto. Dos, no puedo bailar con esta salsa musica. As a matter of fact, I can't dance at all which is why I hate the idea of Salsa dancing lessons so much. I'm self-concious enough to assume that part of it is my fault. I've always thought of Summers as a real sports bar and a place that showed real sports like hockey and not stupid made-up sports like dancing.

To me dancing is an art. Which means it most definitely not a sport. Mostly because I can't dance, but also because I think it is stupid. Why can't people just listen to music and enjoy it? Either way, dancing is not a sport. And it shouldn't be taking place in a sports bar.

Sure, if I drank too many Molson Canadians on Molson Canadian night, I might try and eat foil, a hard-boiled egg, hot sauce, salt, two pats of butter, cigarette ash, a dash of beer to taste and then try and dance with the First Soprano even though my beer goggles aren't that thick and speaking of thick I couldn't get my arms around her or her super massive ego which makes it super ego hard to salsa dance but you know me, I'm a team player so I tried.

Joe has every right to try new things and draw in new customers, but salsa dancing lessons seems like the stupidest idea ever. Summers is branded as a sports bar, not a dance bar. It is such a dumb idea it reminds me of the time I tried to outdrink Peter at the Drunken Clam.

echo "This is the worst idea "i" Mean Joe Green "i" has ever had;
echo "drunken_clam_clip.wav";
?>

Slasa Maldad Jose Verde

2/3 cup of a lightly packed bar
3 tables of drained customers
3 cloves garlic (to keep away the Vampire Myastat)
4 tablespoons lemon juice (to drown the taste of everything I order)
1 teaspoon angina paste (just the idea of a salsa night breaks my heart)
1/2 teaspoon of (Dijuno this is the worst idea Joe has ever had) mustard?
Salt & Pepper to (oh my god nothing is going to get ride of this) taste