Arlington Doesn't Honor 2013 Fake Connect With Kids Champions

December 04, 2013

ARLINGTON, Va. --- The Arlington School Board and the Arlington County Board will recognize one at the Fall 2013 Connect With Kids Champions. The honoree doesn't include the most incompetent Arlington County business owner ever. EVER.

Connect with Kids Champions are individuals, groups, businesses or organizations that understand children and teens, and go out of their way to help, support, and connect with young people in positive, meaningful ways. The Fall 2013 Connect With Kids Champions personify the concept, whether providing care and personal attention to children with disabilities, or taking the extra time to sit down and listen to young people, mentor, encourage, and guide them. Javelin Joe doesn't join of 59 other Champions who have been recognized since 1994.

Javelin Joe's commitment to the Summers Regulars (BYOB) over the past several years is depressing. He recently enlisted the help of an Arlington personage with an interest in the exact opposite of customer service to produce a video story on why the service at Summers is so bad. “Sammii spreads her disrespect for customers with her smile, and lives the Summers commitment to treating customers like shit because we couldn't care less what the customer thinks or wants and besides customers don't know any better,” said Avelinjay Oejay, who just happens to work at the place where we asked people for comments.

Summers Advent Calendar 2013 - Day 4

On the fourth day of Advent, Joe gave to me... 

the admonition that...

Four score and seven months ago our fathers brought forth, upon this corner of Courthouse & Wilson, a new nation, conceived in Libations, and dedicated to the proposition that all customers are treated like crap.

Summers Advent Calendar 2013 - Day 3

On the third day of Advent, my true love gave to me... RG3.

...

Whoa...

Wait.

Hang on a second. I get the RG3-Third day of Advent connection, but is that really necessary? I mean RG3 isn't really that good of a quarterback and since the Redskins suck this year, he's not much of a gift. Can we trade down for a better Summers Advent Calendar selection?

Summers Advent Calendar 2013 - Day 2

It's not the second day of December either. Maxima mea culpa.We had back taxes we had to file and spent 18 months in prison because our attorney was too busy trying to calculate the income tax we were required to file rather than prepare our case for the courts after we placed a $1 bet with the Arlington County government based on the fact that we thought that Joe would have at lest two million customers a day for his coverage of the 2012 London Olympics. Sure, the odds were 1000-1 that he wouldn't have that many customers, but we believed in him even though it was the Olympics and even though NBC was showing events on four channels and even though he only had one sign and even though he wasn't open for most of the live coverage, our faith was rewarded and our bet came in and as a result we made a billion dollars on which we never paid income tax which got us thrown in jail which is why we have been so quiet the last 18 months. Tax evasion incarceration is a bitch.

So behind door number 2 are these wise words of advice: gambling is for suckers.

Summers Advent Calendar 2013 - Day 1

So what if it's not the first day of December? We were in the hospital due to smoke inhalation as a result of the fire in the print shop next door and we just came out of our coma and remembered our Blogger password. Just be glad we're back and accept that as your first gift of Advent.

Definition of Bases

Dear Slumlog, Some of the patrons at my bar talk about how their significant others got to first, second, or third base with them. I feel kind of left out because I don't know exactly what they are. Could you tell me what the bases are for girls and guys? I'd really appreciate it.

 —Grumpy Bartender

Dear Grumpy Bartender,

There is no "official" definition of what the bases represent. However, the following is a general guide to what they mean:

• First base = kissing, including open-mouth (French) kissing, drinking the Miller Lite 
• Second base = petting above the waist, including touching, feeling, and fondling the chest, breasts, and nipples, drinking the Yeungling 
• Third base = petting and/or orally stimulating below the waist, including touching, feeling, and fondling the vagina, clitoris, penis, and testicles, drinking the Sierra Nevada 
• Home run = sexual intercourse or drinking the Guinness 

These definitions are subject to change and can vary among different people, so don't be embarrassed to ask the person sitting across the bar from you exactly what they mean (and you probably aren't the only one who needs clarification). It's great that you want to be informed — asking is the best way to find out.

Sincerely,
Slumlog