Thursday, April 28, 2011

How are the Penguins like a car?

They both choke in the clutch.

I must admit its a good thing the Caps bandwagon is automatic and not standard, or we might have had a lot more fans jumping on and off the bandwagon this year. I'm also glad that neither Sid or Geno played in the series or they might have when and then we might have had to face them and then we would have lost like we always do.

I'm just glad I was able to come back and contribute during the playoffs. I look forward to facing the Lightning in the next round, but who are we kidding? Tampa Bay shouldn't even have a hockey team in the first place, eh?

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Summers Still Open

Hey Folks,

Joe asked me to let you all know that Summers Restaurant & Sports Bar is still open. They will have a limited menu. And the taps still don't work properly. That's just because of negligence and incompetent management, not because of a "significant" grease fire. They don't even use grease at Summers, they just heat up shit in the microwave. The police didn't shut down any streets because nobody goes to Summers anymore and because nobody in the fire department would try to save it.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

In Dreams and in Summers there are no Impossibilities

Barely endured acquaintances, we are gathered here today in the sight of three out of four security cameras and in the face of this enslaved Mongolian staff, to join together a Fedora and a Cigarette in a gossip cloud of sexual association based on snide assumptions and outright lies, in which human beings are unfairly represented by half-assed inanimate metaphors; which is an honorable estate because at least we think they’re getting some, instituted of Slumlog on The Internet, in the time of one man’s astounding innocence for his age, signifying unto us the utterly baffling union that is betwixt the Red Room and its patrons; which shady estate Sonny adorned and beautified with his mop and bucket and red rope lights that he wrought at, and is commended of St. Shawndhi to be honorable among all men partaking in secret premarital hokey-pokey; and therefore is not by any to be corrupted by Beer Goggles or Oxygen Deprivation, or taken in hand without first locking the bathroom door; but reverently, discreetly, at least thinly veiled, repressed in public, retaining the awkwardness of not exactly remembering what happened last night, and in the fear of Slumlog, and duly considering the causes for which this gossip cloud was ordained.  One was the procreation of horrible jokes, to be brought forth in the fear and nurture of Slumlog.  It was also ordained for the mutual bar patrons, confusion and bewilderment that the one ought to have for the other, with full beer or empty; into which shady estate these two unbecoming accessories present come now to be joined.  Therefore, if any other unbecoming accessory can show just cause why they may not be imaginarily joined together, let it speak now, or else hereafter hold its beer in a Thirst Aid Helmet ™.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

You Win Some, You Lose Some

You win some, you lose some. How come you never hear that when you win? For the most part, it was my grandmother that tried to teach me that kind of life lesson. My parents just told me to get over myself. Now that I am nearly the age of my grandparents, I feel quite comfortable in dispensing unsolicited life lessons. Joe, I don't know much, but I know you win some and you lose some.

Posting a sign about the return of the hockey playoffs is a win. I mean thank god for real overtime and none of this 4 0n 4, 5-minute crap. I also thank god because I'm still watching hockey and I don't have to start watching baseball, or god forbid, keep watching, I mean start watching Nascar. Seriously, how hard is it to turn left all of the time? I don't know because I don't have a car, that's why I'm asking.

On the flipside, I know my grandmother also taught me not to say anything if I couldn't say anything nice, but I can't say anything nice about this other sign. This sign is a loser. Okay, I know this is a brutal fucking picture of the sign, but bear with me. Silly Sunday is the worst tagline Joe has had since I know its 2011 but Peroni is still on special from the World Cup. Plus, is it just me or does the Terminator hand conjour up images of death and destruction rather thant laughs? Also, I appreciate the promise of free parking, but isn't that arranged by the Couty of Arlington rather than the county of Joe? Even so, how the hell does that help me once I'm inside the restaurant? That's more of a rhetorical question, but if you have an answer, please e-mail me at

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Opening Day At Summers

I wasn't there but I will offer my unsolicited opinion that organizing an opening day event at Summers was the worst idea that Joe has had since he decided to charge a cover fee for salsa dancing lessons, and then provide them for free because nobody showed up and then fire that salsa dancing company because they were pretty fucking brutal and only encouraged summers staff members to skip their shifts so they could dress like tarts and try and entrap a husband and then he decided to hire a new slsa dancing teacher and chage more at the door.

That being said, baseball is the most boring sport since billiards.

There are also 180 games. The first one makes no fucking difference. Plus, baseball games are shown on a dozen channels. It is not like Joe has exclusive rights to Seven Nations Rugby or that bikini swimsuit channel that's always on in the Red Room.

I know. I hate baseball. I'm biased. But I love Summers.

I think Joe could have come up with a more original idea than a baseball opening day event.

Which only begs the question, what if Joe throw a party and nobody showed up?

Monday, April 11, 2011

Are You Ready For Some Hockey?

You had better be because we're going all the way this year. Well, before I get ahead of myself and etch my name on the Stanley Cup, let me give a shout out to my teammates because I haven't played in months and I have not contributed to the playoff run. Second, let me give a shout out to all the bandwagon Caps fans. Without bandwagon fans we wouldn't have fans. I know y'all don't know anything about hockey and only cheer for us because the Redskins suck, the Nationals are worse, and the Wizards make our playoff futility look like we're champions, but we appreciare the support. I mean if we had real hockey fans, y'all would know I don't actually play any defense. Third, thanks to all our bandwagon fans for rocking the red room and making Summers the best hockey bar in the area.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Slummers Inferno - Seventh Circle (Middle Ring)

In this ring are the suicides who are transformed into gnalry trees and bushes. The Harpy feeds on the bushes. Unique among the patrons of Summers, the suicides will not be resurrected after Joe's final judgement, having given away their souls through violence to the self because The Harpy was on break and didn't bring them a beer for what seemed like an eternity or because they had to listen to the piped-in music or the electric rumbero beats.

The other residents of this ring are the profligates who destroyed their lives by destroying the means by which their lives at Summers are sustained.

In a simple twist of fate, I am being chased by a ferocious dog through the thorny undergrowth because I write snide comments about the very place I go to drink beer.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Chips & Salsa Dancing

I hate to admit it, but Mean Joe Green has had two great ideas recently.

Joe makes Jeffrey Skilling and Ken Lay look like Mother Teresa and Ghandi, but every once in a while he has an idea I can get behind and that I am willing to put my money on because I know he's a good small businessman.

One, he reinstituted the free chips & salsa. Two, he also extended Salsa Dancing Night from Tuesdays to Tuesdays and Thursdays.

These are the two most brilliant ideas he's had since opening Summers.

Or not.

Happy Belated April Fool's Day dumbasses.