59 Theses

59 Things Joe could do better in 2012.

1. Bring back sliders.
2. Bring back trivia night.
3. Get rid of Cap'n Sam.
4. Get rid of Sammii.
5. Get rid of the garbage salad.
6. Get rid of the red lights.
7. Read the customer surveys you distributed.
8. Take the advice those surveys gave you.
9. Get rid of the annoying chick.
10. Play better music.
11. Buy another remote.
12. Bring back free chips and salsa.
13. Extend Happy Hour until 8:15.
14. Have a Foursquare special.
15. Read your Yelp reviews.
16. Read them again.
17. Take that advice.
18. Paint the entire Red Room.
19. Redo the bathrooms.
20. Redo your website.
21. Examine your social footprint.
22. Go green.
23. Listen to your customers.
24. Destroy rogue Facebook pages.
25. Because you don't understand technology.
26. Or your customers.
27. Or what they're saying about your restaurant.
28. Develop a fully stocked bar.
29. Change the decor.
30. Change the management style.
31. Change the happy hour specials.
32. Develop a catch phrase.
33. Have a mascot.
34. Buy a new shirt.
35. Buy some new stools for the bar.
36. Replace the ceiling tiles.
37. Consider replacing the framed pictures.
38. Get a lock for that bathroom door.
39. Install a bell so we can ring for service.
40. Think about your mobile strategy.
41. Bring back the Golden Tee machine.
42. Bring back customers.
43. Institute a mug night.
44. Offer free pretzels.
45. Offer something.
46. Offer free drinks.
47. I meant don't.
48. That would be irresponsible.
49. But you can trust me.
50. But I don't because I lie a lot.
51. I swear.
52. Apropos of nothing, give Shawn a raise.
53. Allow people to watch the games they want.
54. Don't show CNN even thought its an election year.
55. Keep the same specials for a month.
56. Keep the same happy hour specials for two weeks.
57. Because you don't want to keep confusing your customers.
58. Or they will stop showing up to buy beer.
59. Like they're doing these days...

Third Time is a Charm

One, two buckle my skate. Three, four I'll play next week at this rate.

I just wanted to let all my adoring fans know that I skated with my teammates for the third day in a row. What have I been doing for the 33 days before that?

I've spent a lot of time in the Red Room at Summers.

I ate up all the sliders which is why they're not available on the menu anymore (which is the same reason I have to skate every day because that shit makes you fat and slow and tired). I also drank all the Grand Marnier which is why its never in stock. I also drank all the Molson Canadian which is why its not available anymore either.

I just wish I could eat up all the HD tvs so Joe would have to get actual HD tvs.

The Second Day of Christmas

On the second day of Christmas, Joe gave to me two different fish specials and a bartender in a pear tree.

Two different fish specials in the same week? Joe should go back to reading the Yelp reviews so that he knows the fish specials aren't so special in the first place. We also all know that he has trouble pulling customers in through the front door, so his brilliant strategy is to give them more of the same? There are better food items and Joe should think about letting his customers know what else is available.

Garbage Salad and Russian Trashcan Tuesday would be a good start.

The First Day of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas, Joe gave to me a bartender in a pear tree.

And I wasn't stuck in the pear tree with them so I couldn't get them to serve me a beer (the entire supply of which was hanging from another branch in the pear tree)and they were deathly afraid of heights so I couldn't get them to even come over to talk to me so that I could order a beer. Merry fucking Christmas to me.

Slummers Advent Calendar - Day 21

55 mph speed limit. Because Sammy Hagar can't drive 55 and Samii can't bartend.

Slummers Advent Calendar - Days 1-20

Day 1 - I don't care what's behind Door 1 because I need a fucking personal assistant to remind me to post to this blog more than once every six weeks.

Day 2 - A marketing campaign. That's no use, Joe already knows everything there is to know about marketing Summers.

Day 3 - A decent bartender. Summers has some good bartenders already, but the place is open seven days a week and there are sometimes customers there everyday.

Day 4 - Blue electrical tape. Joe can never have enough.

Day 5 - A Big Daddy. Although its kinda gross because it was packaged up in this advent calendar when Joe started the promotion a couple of weeks ago.

Day 6 - Whiteboard menus. Joe changes the menus often enough that it would just be easier if he could wipe them all clean rather than reprinting them (with errors).

Day 7 - #summersrestaurantandsportsbar hashtag. Its a long fucking hashtag, but Joe has jumped in with both feet to the social media pool and Summers is BLOWING UP on Twitter. Watch out Ashton and Lady Gaga, Joe's tweets are off the hook.

Day 8 - A pint of Yuengling. You can never go wrong with a cold beer. Great gift.

Day 9 - A good Yelp review. I don't know who wrote it, but its very very rare and worth a lot of money.

Day 10 - A universal remote. Excellent. Joe could always use another remote because he only has one for the 60 HD tvs in Summers (maybe that's why it takes so long to get my game on the hd television (which isn't really hd)).

Day 11 - Stainless steel bucket. Must be for Sonny.

Day 12 - A can of Resolve. Might be for Sonny, but someone sure as hell needs to clean the carpet again.

Day 13 - Moldy Tiles. Summers has enough of those already but the more the merrier.

Day 14 - A dead parrot. Hey Cap'n Sam, did you take what was in here and leave your dead parrot here?

Cap'n Sam: Its not dead, its resting. Look.

Me: Look my favorite karaoke DJ, I know a dead parrot when I see one.

Cap'n Sam: No, no, its resting.

Me: Okay, if its resting, I will wake it up. HELLO POLLY!

Cap'n Sam: There, it moved.

Me: No, that was you pushing the advent calendar.

Cap'n Sam: Its stunned.

Me: No, I've had enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased.

Day 15 - Crumpled-up customer surveys. Looks like Joe never read these.

Day 16 - Alex Ovechkin's mojo. No wonder he hasn't been scoring.

Day 17 - A Spa Finder gift certificate. Thanks, but who needs a gift certificate when you can get free unsolicited backrubs from Red Room patrons?

Day 18 - $100. So this is where Joe hid the money for the Salsa dancing contest.

Day 19 - A vuvuzela. Awesome! Wait, I almost forgot how annoying they are. I will have to regift this. By odd coincidence, I do need to get something for Slog1.

Day 20 - A candy cane.

Top 10 Reasons to Give Thanks

Summers is much maligned in these pages (not that anyone reads them), but the recent passage of American Thanksgiving has given me pause to stop and smell the roses and reflect on the reasons that I give thanks for Summers. So, without further ado, or Freddy Adu, the top ten reasons I am thankful for Summers:

10. Cheap Pint Night on Thursday.
9. Gino Azzouzi.
8. Sliders Special on Wednesday.
7. Non-Red Room Bathroom doors that lock.
6. Shawn, Lika & John
5. Red Room Regulars.
4. Yeungling.
3. The patio.
2. Half-price burgers.
1. The convenience.

Top 10 Crimes & Misdeamnors

10. Tipping your bartender $1.
9. Trying to watch your game on tv.
8. Walking through the kitchen on UFC night.
7. Substituting rice for fries.
6. Trying to order a last happy hour beer.
5. Disagreeing with the Foursquare mayor.
4. Expexting more from Summers.
3. Questioning Joe's business decisions.
2. Complaining about the service.
1. Skipping out on your bill.

Top 10 Undisclosed Locations

The Red Room was deader than the Redskins bandwagon and Rick Perry's presidential ambitions put together tonight.

Being by myself all evening game me time to ponder my pathetic position and sorry situation but all I could think about is where I would rather be.

Here's a list of the top ten places I would rather have been tonight:

1. Work.
2. The DMV.
3. The Titanic.
4. Watching the movie Titanic.
5. My first Sadie Hawkins dance.
6. The Sea of Tranquility.
7. My grandmother's funeral.
8. Baltic or Mediterranean Avenue.
9. Vomiting off Key Bridge.
10. At Band Camp.
11. Four Courts.

Sammi Says

Sammi, don't forget about us, don't baby, don't baby, don't let it go,
don't baby, don't baby, don't forget about us. Don't baby, don't baby,
don't baby you know, forget about your customers. I know Joe is tbe
situation, but do your job.I thought we were bigger than this, I
thought I was bigger than this but details don't matter when
we pay the price for your complete disregard for customer service.

Phoreign Aphairs

Let's phace phacts, Summers ain't the only game in town. Summers ain't even in the only town. Here at Slumlog, its our duty duty to phigure out what other games are out there and what our towns might be out there.

To that end, we sent beat reporter Phineas Phogg to Philadelphia.

Here is the story Phineas philed:

There are many bars in Philadelphia. Most of them are phantastic. I didn't get to go to as many bars as I hoped because the stipend was pitiphul and my sample size was small, but here's what I learned. It doesn't matter how bartenders are dressed. You can put liptsick on a pig or corporate gear on a server, but unless the service is good it don't make no difference no how. Good tunes make a big dipherence too. Good beer helps, but good prices help more. Good phood is a must, but Philly is the land of cheese steaks and has an unphair advantage over Arlington which is the land of Summers sliders. I didn't get to see as many places as I wanted but I saw quite a phew and if there's one thing I phound, its that Summers has a long way to go to pheel more like a real bar and Joe has a lot to phigure out to make that happen.

Monday Bloody Mary Monday

I can't believe the news today
I can't close my eyes
Because the bartender will go away
How long...
How long must I wait for a drink

Broken bottles under patron's cars
Empty glasses strewn across both of the bars
But my bartender won't heed my call
I just want another Bloody Mary
Puts my back up against the Red Room wall

Monday, Bloody Mary Monday

It doesn't help it was about the worst Bloody Mary I've ever had. No taste, no spice, no accoutrements. I know the mid-day schedule at Summers sucks but that doesn't mean that your drinks should. Make me a decent drink and I might come back. Don't take Joe's inability to bring in customers out on me.

Joe Pa

Captions:
1. They're not kids, but its still gross.
2. Who the hell is the other chick?
3. Oh Mya God.
4. Can I get a raise?
5. Me Love You Long Time.
6. How did you escape my dungeon?
7. Holla back girl.
8. Have you seen my javelin?
9. Bring out the gimp.
10. You ladies here to work or salsa?
11. Bitches ain't shit.
12. I own this bar.
13. Spell chloroform
14. Spot the one that hasn't run this place into the fucking ground.

No Green is Good Green with the GWashington GCapitals

This is GMike Green GBobblehead and the no Ginjury Gnews is Good Gnews show, the only Gonline Ginjury Gnews Gprorgram Guaranteed to contain no Good Ginjury Gnews whatsoever. My Ginjured Gknee is so Gsore I may Gnever Gplay Gagain. Gisn't it Gironic considering GMike Green does Gnothing Gbad or Gnothing Gwrong ever. I Gjust Gplay Ghockey. GOAL! I Gjust got done Gsaying Gnothing ever bad gets Greported on my Gshow. Gshape up you Guys. And play some Gother Gucking Gefense so I don't have to Gblock Gshots with my Gknee.

Craps Fans

From Slumlogpedia, the free encyclopedia of total bullshit

Craps is a dice game in which bandwagon fans of the hockey team wager on the outcome of the roll, or the game they are pretending to watch because they're not really watching the hockey game because they're too busy hootin and hollerin or stylin and profilin to even know there's a fucking game on which they can't even see because their Dolce & Gabbana caps are slung so low over their bloodshoot eyes they can't even see the ice let alone the scoreboard and all the bling they're wearing apparently interferes with the radio reception of the in-house announcer who just explained what the fuck happened on the ice so quit jawin and pay attention and there's no need to holla at your idjit friend sitting right next to you for the 411 on what just hizzled on the izzle because your drunk ass can't focus on the game and your dumb ass doesn't know what the rules of the game are and nothing personal but were you raised in a fucking barn because your drunk dumb ass should know when to sit and when to stand and if your Mom saw you yellin and jellin like Magellen during the National Anthem she would wash your mouth out with soap so study the rules of the fucking game, know your limits and respect the presence of others. Its dumb idjits like you that give the rest of the bandwagon Craps fans a bad name.

Pearl of the Quarter

On the water down in New Orleans
My baby's the pearl of the quarter
She's a charmer like Summers never seen

Where the sailor spend his hard-earned pay
Red beans and rice for a quarter
You can see her almost any day

And if you hear from Mya Louise
Won't you tell her I say hello
Please make it clear
When her day is done
She has to be at Summers

Go on Take the Money And Run

I've done a lot of crazy shit in the one or two times that I have accidentally ended up at Summers. There was the one time I busted a hole in the wall because the Golden Tee machine ate my quarters. There was that ONE time where I drank too much. There was also that time I tried to walk through the kitchen because I didn't want to pay the cover for a UFC fight. There was the time that I yelled Oregon Sucks! instead of Oregon Ducks. Then there was that time that I tried to eat some tin foil, hot sauce, hard-boiled egg, salt, pepper, cigarette ash, a piece of a moldy tile and a dollop of whatever was left in Sonny's bucket after he washed the floor in the Red Room unisex bathroom.



Even so, for the number of stupid mo fucking dumbass things that I have done over the course of my "career" at Summers, I have never taken the money and run.

I've never run out, walked out, sneaked out, crawled out, begged out, whimped out, sauntered out, stumbled out (i have stumbled out but that's besides the fucking point, just wait for the punchline), fallen out, freaked out, tripped out, laid out, laid about or passed out on a tab/bill/cheque at Summers.

As bad as the service might be on any given night (or any given sunday), that's no reason to skip out on your tab. I'm not pointing fingers, I'm just saying.

Just pay your fucking bartender and complain about it behind their back like I do.

PS - IT HELPS IF YOU HAVE YOUR OWN BLOG.

#Winning

You know, its amazing to me what #winning does for a sports franchise. The Washington Capitals win a couple of games and all of a sudden everyone's a hockey fan. Or dresses up as a hockey fan, I mean its still Halloween, right? I saw a couple of people dressed up as hockey fans when I was out this evening. I knew they weren't real hockey fans because they were wearing Caps jerseys and wondering why the referees are always raising their arms.

But are any Caps fans real hockey fans? I'm not even sure they're real sports fans. This is still a Redskins town, and its much easier to cheer for another Washington franchise when the Redskins suck worse than the St. Louis Rams. And Caps fans don't wear their gear or show their respect on any day besides game day (like the two yokels referenced above). Where were all these people in 2003-2004 when the Caps sucked donkey testes?

If you're a hockey fan, you're a hockey fan. If you're a Caps fan, you're a Caps fan. Don't be a fan just because the team is #winning.

It is like being a Summers fan. Don't come to Summers just because the service is first-rate and the food is awesome, come to Summers because you enjoy coming to Summers when the service is slow and the food is crap but the company is #winning.

No Diggity

Joe ain't got no class nor style. Street knowledge he aint ever found. Customers never act wild. Very low key on the profile. Catchin good bartenders is a no. Let me tell you how it goes. Adios is the word, vamanos is the verb. Drinkers the curves. drinks the verb, so fuck what you heard. Rollin with the lateness, you don't even know what bad service is. You gotta play to pay, just for shorty bang-bang server to look your way. I don't like the way you work it, I just want a beer. I'm trumped every night, all day every day. You're blowing my mind, baby its a trap, are you sure this place aint total crap?

Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween. Someone done crunked up up tha joint and done made tha hizzouse like a realz club yo. Fo shizzle, check out the Rizzle Room on Monday nights. Its da bomb.

Bashing Baseball Because It Blows

I (that's me) fucking (still doesn't express the true depth of the hatred) hate (really hate, i know hate is a strong word but i really really hate) baseball (stupidest sport ever). Its (it is) the (THE) most (ultimate, supreme, top, zenith, nth degree) boring (tedious for tedious sake) game (more like self water torture and endurance test to see just how much crap you can put up with) I've (i know i am not supposed to use contractions but it is a school night and i am not able to type fast enough) ever(EVER) seen (seen, heard, read, remembered). I'd (i would) rather (dan) watch (with me own eyes) golf (who saw the tiger woods scandal coming?) or (conjunction) bowling (duck pin or ten pin, i don't care just don't make me play baseball) on (ion, eye on) television (too bad steve jobs died because he was going to change television as we know it too). I (me, myself and i. can i get a De La Soul hell ya?) know (i dont know much) that (that hat hates fat) it (i called not it) is (bill clinton's definition of is) America's (good ole US of A, not North America America) past (pabst? remember when summers served pbr in a can?) time (time waits for no one), but (beavis and but) I (I Me Mine. Damn, the Beatles are overrated) don't (do not donut) understand (oversit) it (stupid stephen king novel). Eight (the great 8) out (through the in door) of (for the love of) the (the the) ten (decimal dewey) players (hate the game) stand (another stupid stephen king novel) around (you spin me) and (hand in glove) do (doo) jack (man i miss 24) shit (merde). And (starting a sentence in a blog post with a conjunction is a bigger fucking faux pas than) baseball games (people get paid to do this shit?) are (didn't use to be) so (so) fucking (totally fucking) long (still an understatement). Baseball (moneyball) is (it is!) the (tha) worst (worstest) sport (other sports are irate its even called a sport) ever (4eva) and (plus) yet (not spanglish for jet) Joe (the dumbass running the place into the fucking ground, right down there in the 7th circle of hell with baseball) continues (continually) to (2) show (its a fucking show!) baseball (there's a hall of fame for standing around doing nothing?) games (i would rather play clue or stratego) at (tention) Summers (a whole other circle of hell). If (my grammar is worse than baseball) you're (you are) going (going, gone) to be (or not to be) a sports bar (which you're not because you don't always show sports), and (and how) I've (i have) heard (i swear) rumors (i don't like to gossip) to (straight to the top) the (das) effect (effex) that (that is) Summers (sanders) is (or pretends to be) a (one single) sports (joe's definition of sports is broad) bar (sets the bar pretty low), show (showgirls) some (sum if you add it up) real (pretend would be fine) fucking (pretend would be fine here too) sports (give sports a sporting chance). NHL (naturally hotshit league) hockey (actual real sport) games (its not a game, its war) would (could should ought) be (or not bee) a (ahhhh) good (better than most) start (don't let your mouth write checks your ass cant cash) Joe.

The Butcher, The Baker, The Candle Stick Maker

The best thing about Summers is the people.

The reason I go to Summers is not for the AWESOME food or the EXCEPTIONAL service, but for the people I know and love. I happened to go to Summers on a random Tuesday night (totally random, just so happens [by pure coincidence] it was this Tuesday, i.e. ipso noce) and ran into three of my favorite people, The Butcher, The Baker and The Candle Stick Maker.

{stop by on a tuesday. its busier than you think. the service is better than normal since marco polo john sturm had to retire from hockey because he couldn't skate and had to take a part-time job. - editor}

The Butcher is covered in tattoos but loves to talk about how #moviequacks is his favorite blog so I know there is a sensitive side. The Baker is loud and abrasive but giggles when I poke him in the stomach. The Candle Stick Maker, she is a whole different ball of, umm, wax. She's like the Potpourri category on Jeopardy, she always keeps you guessing.

And for all their foibles and bad language, I love them because they're them. And I love Summers because Summers is a place where they can go, where I can go, and they can just be themselves. I wouldn't love them unless they were them and I wouldn't love Summers unless Summers was a place were they could be them.

The Summers People

I love Summers, but Joe, you have got to pick a fucking identity for your bar. I don't want to get off on a rant here, but you can't be the urban cowboy, the decontruction worker, the bandwagon Caps fan, the native American, the pretend Canadian, the javelin thrower, the anal-retentive Arlington traffic cop, the Father Confessor, the ascot-wearing professor, the hells angel biker, the DC United Striker, an Appalachain Trail hiker, the disgruntled music critic, the ceiling tile repairman, the pirate masquerading as a deejay or the patron mesquerading as a satisfied customer to everyone at the same time. If you're a sports bar, show fucking sports. Don't make people wait to see the World Series game, Monday Night Football, a hockey game or any other sporting event. If you're a dive bar, don't make people wait for drinks. Make sure there's enough staff so people can get a drink. If you're a dance club, play some fucking music that people can dance to, like Heroin or Sister Ray.

Come on Up to the House

The Blue Moon is broken. The moldy tile is cracked. Come on up to the Red Room. The only things that you can see is all the oxygen you lack because of all the smoke, but come on up to the Red Room. All your crying for another beer don't do you no good, come down off your high horse, we could use the meat to make sliders, you gotta come on up to the Red Room. Come on up to the Red Room. Summers is not my home, I'm just passing through, you gotta come on up to the Red Room. You have no life in the metro tunnel, no irons in the fire, so come on up to the Red Room. You're singing lead soprano in a functional alcoholic's choir, you got to come on up to the Red Room. Does the service seem nasty, brutish and short? You have to come on up to the Red Room anyway. The seas are stormy, and you can't find no other bar, just come on up to the Red Room. Come on up to the Red Room. There's nothing in the world that you can do, you gotta come on up to the Red Room.

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To drum up a little extra cash, Joe has registered Summers as an official polling place for the local elections. Unfortunately, in order to qualify as an official polling place, Joe had to prohibit certain activities at Summers:

1. Loitering or ordering a beer
2. Giving, offering or showing any menu or other Summers material
- Exception- worn items like the beer the bartender spilled on me or the garbage salad I regurgitated on myself
3. Asking people to come to Summers
4. Telling people about Summers
5. Telling people about what's happening at Summers
6. Telling people Summers is actually open
7. In any way trying to influence a person to eat at Summers
8. Stopping a customer from entering Summers
9. Delaying a dissatisfied customer from leaving Summers

These offenses are Class 1 misdemeanors. The penalty is a fine up to $2500 and up to 12 months in Joe's dungeon.

Rara Brava

Barra Brava sunt rara aves.

Before the Caps bandwagon leaves the station (skins bandwagon was derailed by sexy rexy's IV interceptions), I wanted to give a shout out to some real DC-area sports fans. Barra Brava. They've been there through thick and thin (re: the opposite of bandwagon) and they always show their support and they're not shy about showing it because they're loud and proud of it. So here's to some real DC sports fans.

I just wish more of them came to Summers.

Blame Canada

We win. You lose. The USA is awesome. Canada is lame. This nation's capitol bested the other nation's capitol in a feat of strength, so I hope your Festivus sucks as a result. I know I was born in Canada but America's materialism has sucked me in and now I'm more of a red-blooded American than Ryan Reynolds or Michael J. Fox.

A Little Light Reading

Have you ever read the Summers menu? I mean really read the menu? Like not just looked at what's available, but read it cover to cover like a book? Don't.

I haven't read anything so poorly written, so loosely constructed with so many spelling and grammatical mistakes since I wrote a short essay in second grade about how Guy LaFleur was my hero. Okay so I didn't actually write it because I skipped kindergarten and missed the lessons on printing so I dictated it to my Mom but being my Mom she included all the mistakes that I made. Reverse-Oedipal complex aside, the shitty spelling on the Summers menu is surely another sign Summers senior management doesn't give a shit about some semblance of service or about spurring sales.

Seriously, read the menu. Actually read it. Its harder to read than Beowulf.

And Beowulf's in Olde English.

Garbage Bag Trees

I've never been to the 100th meridian. Even so, I wondered what was in a Summers Garbage Salad. Being naturally curious I asked my source (me, not anyone else). The ingredients are:

1. Mixed greens. 2. Mike Green. 3. Six Mix-A-lot. 4.Shrimp. 5. Detlef Schrempf. 6. Tiger Shrimp. 7. Tiger Woods. 8. Detroit Tigers. 9. Detroit Lions. 10. How about them Detroit Lions? 11. I thought the Lions were the worst football team ever. 12. I guess I was wrong. 13. Who knew? 14. I sure didn't. 15. I mean how about that Matt Stafford? 16. He's better than Drew Stafford. 17. Hockey references are lost on you Philistines. 18. Speaking of Philistines how about those Phillies? 19. Or Phylers? 20. Or Pheagles? 21. Or Phantoms? 22. What's with the ph spelling anyway? 23. Is it a measure of how acidic Philly is? 24. Because Philly is actually base. 25. Chemisty joke. 26. A Chemisty PhD couldn't tell you what is in this salad. 27. Salami. 28. [insert joke here]. 29. [dont insert actual salami here]. 30. That's just gross. 31. Unless you're Tiger Woods. 32. Which is still gross. 33. But has celebrity appeal. 34. Because sexting is cool. 35. For celebrities. 36. Not for Phat asses like me. 37. Or for Philo dough. 38. Which makes people phat. 39. Or Phil Collins. 40. Who is phucking crazy. 41. Have you heard No Jacket Required? 42. What if you have a Members Only jacket?. 42. Its like the immovable object versus the irresitable phorce. 43. Which reminds me that Verus shows hockey games. 44. Not hokey games. 45. Nor Hokie games. 46. Nor the hokey pokey. 47. That's on the Spice Channel. 48. Not the Spice Girls Channel. 49. Altough I think I saw Scary Spice on the Spice Girls Channel. 50. Not that I watch. 51. But I was scared anyway. 52. And what was the Genesis of my phear? 53. That terrible album 54. You know the one. 55. OMG. 56. If I have to explain it to you then my point is lost. 57. Which depheats the purpose. 58. Which was mocktoberphestering Summers. 59. Or the Garbage Bag Salad. 60. Which has Radishes. 61. No ophense to Joe, but where the hell did he get radishes? 62. My great great GREAT grandmother grew radishes in her vegetable garden in Smethport, Pennsylvania after the Civil War. 63. War Between the States. 64. War of Northern Agression. 65. Same Dipherence. 66. Unless you're near the Mason-Dixon Line. 67. Which reminds me, its been a while since I've been to Dixie Liquors. 68. And where the phuck are you supposed to park to pick up a keg. 69. The Garbage Salad is $10.69. 69. 69. 69. 69. 69. 69. 69. Number 69. Number 69. Number 69. Number 69. 70. Is that a Number 9/John Lennon repherence? 71. No. 72. Be honest. 73. Yes. 74. I knew it. 75. Phhhhhbbbbt!. 76. You're so cheezy. 77. Mozarella cheese. 78. White Cheese. 79. Yellow Cheese. 80. Whatever cheese we found in the fridge. 81. That's my science experiment! 82. Are you trying to grow penicillium cultures? 82. I don't have to, I can harvest them from the ceiling tiles. 83. Ceiling tiles? 84. The ones in the Red Red Room. 85. Red onions. 86. Green onions? 87. The salad will turn you green. 88. It is called garbage. 89. Speaking of garbage, what the hell is Pepperorincini? 90. Phatty Meat? 91. [insert joke here] 92. [dont insert phatty meat]. 93. Please. 94. Celery. 95. Roasted Red Peppers. 96. Mushrooms. 97. I wish I mean did you ever hear the Allman Brothers play Good Morning Little Schoolgirl because it was the best version I ever heard not that I actually heard it since I more so felt it because the light was bending with the notes after I ate those mushrooms. 98. Black Olives. 99. Cucumbers. 100. Italian Dressing.

Ron Jeremy's

so i went to this bar last week. let's call it ron jeremy's.

for the record, i didn't actually go to ron jeremy's. i don't know where he lives. plus, i'm scared of hedgehogs. plus, im intimiated by his masters degree. i am also intimidated by his m.d. (major dongus).

i just happened to go to another bar besides summers and i had to use code so joe didn't want to javelin me because i know how he deals with traitors.

{ring}.... {ring}....

YT: Hello?

MM: Don't be a pussy.

YT: Pardon me?

MM: Don't be a pussy. Just tell Joe you went to another bar because his bar sucks.

YT: His bar doesn't suck.

MM: Now I know you're a pussy. Tell the truth. And be honest.

YT: I will be honest, but I won't be mean.

MM: Don't be a pussy.

{click}

Anyway, as I was saying I went to Don Cherry's last week. The biggest differences between Don Cherry's and Ron Jeremy's are that everyone wears clothes in Don Cherry's, Don Cherry's had an actual OTB parlour, I would never ever eat the food at Ron Jeremy's houase, I've never seen Ron Jeremy in a tie or a suit, not that I'm ever seen Ron Jeremy, I mean is he the guy on Monday Night Football?

That's Jaws.

Ron Jaworski. Not Ron Jeremy.

i feel like an idiot. i can't tell the difference between a porn star and an NFL quaterback, but i still know the difference between Don Cherry's and Summers.

Don Cherry's had bartenders that refilled your drink before it was empty. Don Cherry's had all their televisions on and they were all showing sports (except for the one tv showing election coverage results, but who cares about elections). Don Cherry's had edible food. Don Cherry's showed CFL (not NFL, but its still football (and i dont mean stupid british futbol (use the right word for christ's sakes (its soccer))))(but at least it was football). And Don Cherry sure as hell dresses a hell of a lot finer than Joe ever has or ever will.

Joefucius: The Analects

Book 14, Verse 24

Joe said, "Bartenders of antiquity studied to improve themselves; bartenders today study to do the least amount of work possible."

Book 14, Verse 30

Joe said, "It is not the failure of customers to appreciate your abilities as a bartender that should trouble you, but rather your lack of skills as a bartender."

Book 14, Verse 33

Joe said, "A good bartender is praised for its ability to serve drinks, not for its banter."

Joefucius: The Analects

Book 5, Verse 4

A bartender once asked, "What do you think of me?" Joe said, "You are a vessel." The bartender asked, "What kind of vessel?" Joe said, "A sacrificial vessel."

Joefucius: The Analects

Book 16, Verse 10

Joe said, "There are nine things that a Summers customer turns his thought to: to not seeing a bartender when he opens his eyes, to hearing the echo created by his empty glass when he uses his ears, to not looking mad when he has been totally ignored, to appearing respectful when his bartender has forgotten to serve him, to not dropping f bombs when he speaks of the service he has received, to paying his tab when he received service, to seeking advice as when he's too drunk to figure out what is going on, to the consequences when he is enraged, and to what is right at the sight of gain."

Joefucius: The Analects

Book 14, Verse 2

Joe said, "A customer who is attached to a particular seat is not worthy of being a customer."

Joefucius: The Analects

Book 8, Verse 9

Joe said, "The common peole can be made to come to Summers but not to understand it."

Joefucius: The Analects

Book 6, Verse 16

Joe said, "You may have the good looks of Sonny, but you will find it difficult to escape unscathed in this bar if you do not, at the same time, have the eloquence of Terry."

Joefucius: The Analects

Book 17, Verse 14

Joe said, "The gossip-mongering rogue Facebook page is the outcast of virtue."

Joefucius: The Analects

Book 4, Verse 26

Sonny once said, "To be importunate with one's customers will mean humiliation. To be importunate with Joe will mean having to retrieve umbrellas in the pouring rain."

Ugly Owner Joe

I hate the rain and crappy service
And I hate your karaoke DJ too
And I don't like a thing about the food, no no
And I hate the Summers light side too
And I hate everything about you

Joefucius: The Analects

Book 13, Verse 12

Joe said, "Even with a true owner, it is bound to take an entire generation for good service to become a reality at Summers."

Om nom nom nom

Nonsense, right? No. What's nonsense is never going to Summers, nay, refusing to ever set foot in Summers. Summers sure ain't the Old Ebbit Grill, and ain't even the Clarendon Grill, hell, it ain't even a Foreman Grill, but to refuse to ever set foot inside Summers is just utter nonsense.

It has beer just like every other bar. Sure, its service and food ain't up to snuff, but they have beer. And it has the cheapest beer in Arlington. And its got a pretty good beer selection and some good happy hour specials.

It has characters just like ever other bar. Sure, you're never ever ever ever going to pick up up anyone here, even if you have happy hour hair, because there ain't ever anyone here during happy hour but also because Summers ain't that kind of place.

There are a couple of things I enjoy about Summers. One is that it is not that busy here, sure, which means there aren't a lot of opportunities to meet new people. I'm never going to pick up here, but at least I can get a seat on which to sit.

Another thing I enjoy is that Summers just ain't that kind of place. Summers ain't a meat market and it ain't a place to get seen. Its a place I like going with my friends to just hand out and chill.

So if you just got your hair dun, Summers ain't the place for you.

Joefucius: The Analects

Book 5, Verse 20

Summers bartenders always waited thirty minutes before taking action to serve a customer. When Joe heard of of this, he commented, "Twenty minutes is enough to make a customer wait."

Cotton Eyed Joe

If hadn't been for Joe, I would have been married a long time ago.
Where did you come from, where did you go, where did you come from Joe?

Joefucius: The Analects

Book 9, Verse 1

The occassions on which Joe talked about pofit, service and benevolence were rare.

Pinball Joe

Ever since I was a young customer
I've come here to drink beer
From Donna to Donnie
I always drink without fear
But I ain't seen nothing like him
In any bar around
That deaf dumb and blind owner
Drove this place in the ground

He stands like a statue
Becomes part of the machine
Feeling all the remotes
Can't keep the ceiling tiles clean
Runs the place without intuition
The number of customers falls
That deaf dumb and blind owner
Wish I could kick him in the balls

Joefucius: The Analects

Book 2, Verse 3

Joe said, "Guide them with poorly place signs, keep them in line with bad service, and the common customer will stay out of your bar and have no shame. Guide them by virture, keep them in line with good specials, and they will, besides having a sense of shame, will actually show up at your bar at regular intervals."

Joefucius: The Analects

Book 17, Verse 25

Joe said, "In one's bar, it is the women and the small men that are difficult to deal with. If you pay them too much, they get insolent. If you keep them at a distance, they move to Hawaii or West Virginia."

Ten Years After

I remember where I was ten years ago. I wasn't at Summers but I was in the area. I wasn't in the Pentagon but I could see the devastation. I remember not knowing what was going on, there was so much chaos and confusion. I could see the smoke. I wasn't scared, but I was uncomfortable. I didn't think I was in any immediate danger, but I didn't know for sure. I wanted to help, but I didn't know what to do. I made it through the day, but there were many that didn't. Our thoughts and prayers are with them and their families.

Joefucius: The Analects

Joe said, "Extravagance means ostenation, frugality means shitty blue tape. I would rather be shitty blue tape than ostenatious."

Summers Taint

Summers t'aint a place that people go. Summers t'aint the place I want to go, but I c'aint help it. Summers t'aint a place where everybody knows your name. Summers t'aint a place to take a significant other. Summers tain't a place I would take my mother. Hell, Summers t'aint a place that I even let my mother know that I go. My mother also t'aint my significant other. She t'aint. Summers also t'aint a place where you go for the food. Summers t'aint a place to meet people. The Red Room is always so dark you c'aint see people and there sure as hell t'aint no conversation. Summers t'aint a place you go for trivia night There t'aint no prize. Summers t'aint a place for karaoke neither. I t'aint never heard no sweet sounds drifting out the Red Room. Summers t'aint a place place for salsa and sh'aint be a place for salsa but Joe c'aint s'aint n'aint. Summers t'aint a place for new ideas neither. Joe t'aint listen to you no how no way, he c'aint.

Joefucius: The Analects

Book 15, Verse 13

Joe said, "I suppose I should give up hope. I have yet to meet the man who is as fond of slow service as he is of the beauty of beer."

Vague Expressionism

My mind lives in the gutter. It prefers the gutter to what's actually going on inside my head and I don't blame it. But having been down in the gutter so god damn long, everything sure looks like up to me. My mind takes something a little bit country and makes it a little bit rock and roll and what beautiful soliloquy someone speaks I take and twist into something tawdry and terrible.

Not everything is dirty and not everything has sexual overtones. It should, and my shy schoolboy side says it does, but it doesn't. Nonetheless my repressed soft white underbelly segues something sweet and pure and turns it into something dirty and disgusting. Below are a handful of comments that upon first hearing I assumed were vague expressions for sex, but upon a second reading, may not be.

1. Joe's in the basement.
2. Can I get a Red-Headed Slut?
3. Who wants to chug?
4. Is Yuengling still on special?
5. Are you watching this?
6. Can you plug this in for me?
7. Give me some sugar.
8. The front is open, but the back is closed.
9. Joe went downstairs.
10. That door doesn't lock.
11. Go around to the other side.
12. Can you put it on for me?
13. Who's up next?
14. Why is this sign by the back door?

Joefucius: The Analects

Book 10, Verse 13

When drinking at a village gathering, he left as soon as those carrying Oregon Ducks football helmets left.

Are You Ready for Some Foosball?

Football. I meant football. Are you ready for some football?

Jayzus. I'd love to blame the idjit that invented the qwerty keyboard that put the s so close to the t (and that's not a euphemism for the wind that shakes the barley (which is a euphemism for putting the biscuit in the basket (which is a euphemism for plowing the fields (which is a euphemism for doing it (which is a euphemism for good craic))))) but I have nobody but myself and my inability to not type and post when I'm three sheets to the wind (which is a euphemism for being shitfaced (which is not a euphemism for taking a #2 (which is a euphemism for taking a dump (which is not a euphemism for going to visit the local recycling center) but which is not a euphemism for offering chocolate brownies to the porcelain god))).

The whole point being that the NFL season starts this Thursday and Summers should have the football game on television, provided you call ahead (no), be very specific, promise to spend a lot of money, know someone that acutally works at the bar (and if you know someone that work a the bar can you ask them to get me another drink (which is not a euphemism for yanking (which is not a euphemism for the New York Yankees) my chain(which is a euphemism for my chain (which is a euphemisn for my pecker (yes))))), follow up with that person by asking them directly and in person and then by sending them a facebook status update because they check their phones more than they check their customers, and have twenty minutes to kill while Joe goes downstairs and tries to find your game on the satellite (which is a euphemism for competing in the Olympics in the javelin) and then comes up stairs (yes) with a bogus excuse about the fact your game is not on television even though the ESPN scroll has score updates and stats from the game.

So in conclusion, Thursday, Summers, Real Football (not futbol).

Joefucius: The Analects

Book 7, Verse 20

Joe said, "I was not born with knowledge but, being old and of antiquity, I am quick to pretend I have it."

You Don't Love Me

Bartender, you don't love me
You don't love me yes I know
Bartender, you don't love me
You don't love me yes I know
But my glass is completely dry
I've got nothing to do but cry

I'm gonna tell your boss, Joe
I'm gonna tell him you're slow
I'm gonna tell your Facebook friends
The level of service really depends
I'm gonna tell everbody
What those terrible bartenders will do to you

Goodbye now, pretty bartender,
If I don't see you no more.
Goodbye now, pretty bartender,
If I don't see you no more.
If you think I'll wait that long for a drink
Lord,you better be on your merry way.

Joefucius: The Analects

Book 1, Verse 1:

Joe said, "Is it not a pleasure, having learned how to serve customers, to try and serve them at due intervals? Is it not a joy to have customers come from afar? Is it not gentlemanly not to take offence when customers fail to appreciate your bartending abilities?"

Pirates of the Red Room: At Wit's End

I admit it.

I can't get over a guy wearing a pirate hat with a plume. Especially when he looks like Geoffrey Rush and sounds like Matthew McCougnahey in Dazed and Confused. Now Dazed and Confused is a great movie, but Cap'n Sam is a terrible host.

First, he looks like an actual pirate. Who the hell wants to sing karaoke with a pirate? If I had a nickel for every time he forced me to sing Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum, I'd have enough to buy a Summers sampler platter.

Why would I want to buy a Summers sample patter? I don't know. I've been in Malaysia for a year and I forgot how terrible the food was and I wanted all the horrible memories and the terrible indigestion flooding back at once. I would never actually buy a Summers sample platter. I just said Summers sample platter because I like the alliteration.

Second, he's got no friends. Mostly because he's a pirate, who can trust him? I also don't think he has friends because he doesn't actually bring any customers to Summers. They're all too afraid that he will make them walk the plank. Or sing a Cher song. The only people that show up for karaoke are people that actually think he's Geoffrey Rush and they ask him about Shine and the King's Speech.

Third, most people are here because its Friday night, not because Cap'n Barbossa is getting a crew together to storm Port Royale and steal the dead man's chest. You turned everyone in the Red Room into zombies and that's a curse, but that doesn't mean you're in charge. It just means that you were in the right place at the right time and were the beneficiary of the "Who Wants to Chug?" mantra that turned everyone into drunken pirate zombies in the first place.

Be-Labor Day Weekend

I hate to belabor day the point, but its nice to have a bartender that knows what they're doing working the Red Room. By no small coincidence, it was nice to see John Sturm back in circulation this week. One night he was working, I saw a customer got a beer before their other beer was done. No waiting? Well, paint my doorstop pink and call me Sally. Maybe Joe's had a change of heart and actually wants to serve customers in the Red Room. It would be a nice change of pace.

Sweet Smell of September

I love the smell of September in the um, what time is it, Joe runs the red room like a casino and I can never tell what time it is. Seriously, someone help me out here. Anyone got the time? You with the hair, when did you get here? How long have you been waiting for that beer? I know it seems like forever, but that's not helping me.

Doesn't anyone actually wear a watch anymore oh wait I can just look it up on my phone, you know if I had a phone and opposable thumbs instead of a doorstop, and I'm not bitter because Joe said he was going to give me a raise, next time, and I won't hold my breath but the reflection off the windows says its late evening and I should be on break because because its Thursday and who the hell comes to Summers on a Thursday, but I'm just cranky because I haven't used the old door stop in weeks, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, as I was saying, I love the sweet smell of September, it smells like customers.

This place has been a ghost town since the Caps choked in the playoffs.

Again.

Its has also been a long hot summer listening to customers watch CNN and the bikini channel. It will be nice to have some real sports on those hi def tv (cough_bullshit_cough) scattered about the bar. And whether they're hi def tvs or not, it will be nice to have some real sports fans in the red room watching some real sports.

The Dawning of the Age of Aquarius

With the departurs of Maya, Sammii and Crash (i mean crash did actually work at summers for at least one day right so he qualifies as an actual employee, right?), a new age dawns at Summers.

I wish I could say out with the old and in with the new, but one of the big problems with Summers is not the staff, its the management and ownership.

You can bring in new bartenders and they can be great bartenders, but if they don't actually work the red room or if you don't pay them enough to pretend to care about customers, the service isn't going to get any better and you won't have any more customers than you do now and the infusion of new blood will all be for naught.

Classic

Classic Joe.

The going away party was supposed to start at 7 and the doors weren't even open until 7:10.

Plus, there wasn't even anyone there for the first half hour because nobody had seen the one sign taped to the wall on the side of one of the stalls in the mens room on the light side. Don't get me wrong, I did not like working with Mya but she's worked here for a long time and the best you can do is put up a flyer on the wall in the toilet?

I shudder to think what will happen to me when you take me off my hinges and sell me for scrap.

And the food was a long time in coming. It was supposed to be complimentary but it wasn't available until about twenty o'clock which isn't much of a compliment.

And for Christ's sake, Mya bought more drinks than you did Joe and it was her fucking going away party. That's poor form and shows a blatant disrepect for your employees.

How the hell are you going to get a decent bartender to work the red room if you don't respect them and you won't love them in the morning?

Mr. Smokes Too Much

I was in Summers the other night with a friend of mine. Let's call him Morococino. This Morococino gets in a discussion with the owner of the bar at which we were satten. Satting? Had been satting? Anyway, the owner of this bar says to Morococino you should start a smoking club that meets here at this bar, let call it Plumbers.

Just FYI, the service at Plumbers sucks.

Ordering a beer at Plumbers is like dealing with an actual plumber. They both charge you an arm and a leg and don't actually fix the problem you're having. Plus, the company they work for tells you they will be there between 10-6 and they're not there even there when your beer is empty or when you want another drink or basically any time you sit down at the bar.

But my friend, Morococino, gets into a discussion with the owner of the bar about creating a smoking club that meets at his shitty dive bar.

The thing that bothered me the most was that the owner of the bar, let's call him Ho, expected my friend to bring in all the customers for smoking night.

I've never been a big fan of Ho's, but he's wearing his own ass for a hat if he thinks its his customers resposibility to bring in more customers.

And having a smoking night is about the dumbest idea I've ever heard for going to a bar (besides a going away party for Mya I mean). Good beer, good prices, good service, those are all good, no great, reasons for going to a bar.

You know what a bad reason for going to a bar is?

To hear the owner of the bar tell you you're the reason his bar sucks.

That's Not A Going Away Party...

... this is a going away party. I have to say that Mya has not been one of my favourite co-workers but Joe has done his usual piss-poor job of organizing a special event and then not actually telling anyone about it. I've not enjoyed working with Mya but I have to say that she deserves a better going away party than being cooped up in the Red Room with a bunch of fucking losers, I mean regulars, I mean friends of hers. I'm not one, but I know she has friends and someone needs to do a better job of inviting people to the event (everyone's invited, unlike most nights at summers when nobody is invited and people are actually turned away at the door because joe doesn't want customers) than putting one sign on the back wall of the ladies room (yeah, im a man but i had to go real bad and the sign on the red room door warned me that the door wouldn't lock). Speaking of real bad, I want one of those House Brand Cocktails real bad, because if Summers is making its own booze I gotta taste some of that and hell I'd work the still out back just to get a taste. And they better be good cacktails because if there's one thing that Mya does do well it is make a good cocktail. I am hoping for the best even though Joe's track record ain't too good because as much as it pains me to say it, Mya deserves better. And that snack food better be fucking complimentary to me because I just polished up the old door stop and I am looking damn fine.

Top 10 Reasons Why Summers Is Empty

1. Who needs to wait ten minutes for a beer?
2. Who needs to wait ten minutes to get my game on tv?
3. Who the hell knows if the red room is even open tonight?
4. Who the hell picked the music?
5. Who the hell just farted?
6. Where the hell is everyone?
7. What the hell are the specials tonight?
8. Why does love got to be so bad?
9. Why doesn't Joe do something about this?
10. Where the hell is my bartender?

Summers Seeks Smoking Sexy Singles

Sonny's salacious scuttlebut says Summers newest sweetest success story is to sell Summers as a Sexy Smokers Club. Say it isn't so.

Saying sexy smokers should sit in Summers and smoke shan't sell them a serious incentive to swing by Summers if the service and specials don't see serious sweetening.

Ding Dong

The Witch is dead.

And I'm not talking about Glenda the Good Witch.

Garden Party

I went to a garden party to reminisce with my old friends
A chance to share old memories and tell our stories again
When I got to the garden party, they all knew my name
But I couldn't get a beer, so I need someone to blame.

The co-opted Rick Nelson lyrics aside, every once in a while I like to venture outside the confines of the red room. I need to see how the other half lives. This time I went a little further afield and went to a garden party.

Fine, it wasn't in a garden. It was outside though and I know because I could see what was happening. The red room is usually so dark I can't finish my crossword. Yeah, that's the ticket. Its because its dark and not because I'm stupid. Plus, when I returned from the garden party I didn't smell like smoke and I wasn't covered in a thin film of ash and other detritus.

One of the other things I like about garden parties is that I can get my own beer or fix my own drink. I don't have to wait for Skeletor to get back from break or return from fending off the advances of Ram-Man in the dugneon of Castle Grayskull.

And garden parties have way better music. The red room was playing some good tunes there for a red hot minute, but its back to being pretty non-scottish right now. And if its not scottish its crap! The party I went to played some Lyle Lovett and Bob Marley. And did I just hear a track from King Curtis? That's some good shit.

Man, I love this tune. Time to get another beer.

By the power of Grayskull. I have the power. To get me another beer.

Cuidado!

Cuidado indeed. What we need is some fucking bartendertronics in the red room. I mean Joe has to do something to improve customer service and equipping the staff with cartronics might be a good start. Caution: bartender will STOP suddenly if taken out of the red room. That way I can get a beer without having to wait eleven minutes and without having to figure out what to say to the two canadian ex-pats at the end of the bar who do nothing but talk about star wars and javascript.

Summers Van Winkle

Who the hell put the roofie in my drink?

I feel like I've been asleep for twenty years but its only been three weeks judging by the last blog post. The last thing I remember is some tourist that looked vaguely familiar and bore a striking resemblance to an overweight Josh Hartnet with a bad goatee walking into the Red Room and yelling "Who's Ready for a Bear Fight?"

And then yelling "Who's ready for another Bear Fight?"

And then yelling it again and again and ag...

Green Eggs and Cap'n Sam

That Cap'n Sam-I-am
That Cap'n Sam-I-am
I do not like
Cap'n-Sam-I-am

Do you like
Green eggs and Cap'n Sam

I do not like jam
I do not like Cap'n Sam
I do not like his game
I do think he's totally lame

Would you like Cap'n Sam here?
Would you like Cap'n Sam there?

I do not like Cap'n Sam here
I do not like Cap'n Sam there
I do not like Cap'n Sam anywhere

I would not like him if he took off his stupid hat
I would not like him if he agreed to look after my cat

Summers Fact #3

Summers Fact #3: Summers is designing a new generation of hapless wait staff to replace its oldest and least customer-friendly wait staff and address its top customer concern of just getting a fucking beer when I come in and sit down, I mean is that so hard? Hey Joe, I know for a fact you're not actually reading the customers surveys you handed out because your menu is still the same and your specials are still the same and you're still using the blue electrical tape as your entire marketing plan. Also, your worst wait staff are still employed which should drive any customer bonkers, but I digress. For details, go to Joefuckeditupagain.com

Please Call Home

Take one last look before you leave the Red Room
Because, oh somehow it means so much to me
If you ever need me you know where I'll be
So please call home
Tell me if Joe has lifted the doom and gloom

I guess I saw it coming, the service was so bad
Oh, but I could not stand the failure
Before you leave there's just one thing I must say
Please call home
Let me know if Mya's not working and I'll be glad

So go on, I won't say no more
My heart aint in Summers, but I'll hold on
Just remember what I said before
Please call home
Let me know if there's no salsa dancers on the floor

Its Bullshit

I still can't believe the Bedazzler thought he was surrounded by the real people of Arlington when he went to Summers. Real people don't go to Summers and real people in Arlington know better. Real people in Arlington go to Four Courts or Kitty O'Sheas or Ri-Ra or O'Sullivan's or whatever fucking cookie-cuttter Irish bar has a generic Irish name. They're all the same, and that's what real people like. They like being just like everyone else.

Summers Fact #2

Summers Fact #2: To help ease travel through the Red Room, Joe is removing staff every day and not attending to patrons, driving them away and thereby easing congestion. He is also overhauling the menu and the entertainment schedule every day confusing every last customer. For details, go to summersbackwards.com

Summers Fact #1

Who knew that the worst-run company in the area could come up with a brilliant marketing plan? The second worst-run company in the area could take a hint. To that end, I'm going to unofficially adopt it as Summers new marketing plan.

Summers Fact #1: Summers is investing less than $5 dollars in less than one complete project, no new lock on the bathroom door, no new karaoke DJ, no new ceiling tiles, no new bartenders, no new menus items, no new specials, nothing to build a better place for you. For details, go to summersbackwards.com

The Grass Is Always Greener...

Every once in a while I like to get out and see what life is like on the other side of the fence. I mean there has to be more to life than Summers, doesn't there?

Well, let me tell you what life outside Summers is like. Its nasty, brutish and short. Any place with people is always so fucking loud its hard to hear yourself think, let alone tell someone else what you think about the sad state of professional sports in the Washington DC metroplitan area.

If the place is busy, it also means the service is slow. But you get used to it if you've been to Summers. Plus, these other places have an excuse. They're busy.

Any place that has people in it also makes it hard to get a seat. I spent a significant amount of time tonight standing around listening to drunk frat boys yell about how about they closed a deal at work and now they're going to close the deal with the chick over there by the pool table.

Fine, go do it now, just stop yelling in my year you ignorant dickhead.

The Wreck of the Red Room Disaster

The legend lives on from Clarendon on down
In the sketchy bar they call Summers
The Red Room it is said never gives up her dead
Just sitting back there is a bummer

With a load of empty beers
There were plenty of fears
The server would never return

Though good customers are few
The complaints still ring true
Someone should be there to serve them

If the Red Room is open
Someone is always hopin'
To get one more brew

It may be a slow news day
But if its a Tuesday
Have someone working the bar

Copa Oro Quatrain

Our opponent we did not choose
But still, we found a way to lose
We did not win the game
Our defense caused us shame

Draft Beer Night Quatrain

Come to Summers, have a cheap beer
There's a hidden catch, have no fear
Thought you could drink like Vivian Leigh?
A pint used to be $2.75, but now its $3.oo

Quornhole Quatrain

People wanted to come to Summers to watch soccer
Summers was totally understaffed, what a shocker
Customers sighed in disgust, walked out the door
Even though there were only two on the dance floor

Yelp me if you've heard this one before

If Joe was worried about the Yelp reviews before, he should be shitting his pants now. He's completely butchered the biggest event to hit summers since $3.00 pint night.

I am sitting here in my door frame watching some chick collecting the cover charge from the three people on the planet that did not know that the US was playing Panama tonight and want to salsa dance instead of watching sports. One of those people was Joe who was stupid enough to pay the cover charge in his own bar.

Before you hate the hater, this is the same guy that closed half bar and turned away paying customers so two people could dance.

I'm just saying.

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Quandian Quatrains

Tuesday night at Summers is no longer for salsa dancing
Still, that does not stop the Canadians from prancing
And swarming the dance floor like they own the joint
I could ask them to stop but what would be the point?

Later that evening I asked one of them the rules of hockey
They said surely you ask me this just to mock me
The rules are as plain as the nose on your face
If you don't know the rules of hockey, leave this place.

I don't know the rules of some stupid game so you ask me to leave
And in so departing your damnable presence I will not grieve
I had previously thought that all Canadiana were cool
But this one in the funny looking hat is a fool.

So I asked the other one if he knew anything about puppets
He said I've met Gonzo, I think he's one of the muppets
I've also met Oscar the Grouch, he lives on Sesame Street.
Then he asked me, do these sliders contain actual meat?

To which I said, I have no clue how the food is prepared
To ponder that simple question I have never even dared
I think I saw Sonny mixing up ingredients in his bucket
After throwing up in my mouth a little, I said gross.

Gold Cup Quatrains

Its not exactly World Cup Haikus, but its all I got.

Gold Cup is a time to watch the U.S. play soccer
To put on my game Joe goes to the dungeon
Mya's working the bar and I like to mock her
She's not that bad, I'm just a curmudgeon

Survey Says...

I don't want to get my hopes up because I have been disappointed so very many times before, but maybe Joe actually read those surveys that he handed out to patrons.

I actually recognized every single song that I heard at Summers the last time that I was there. It was a nice change of pace to enjoy the music I heard at Summers, partly because the two ladies at the end of the bar were talking about how their blackberrys were ringing off the hook, and the music helped distract me from their endless oh-no-he-didnt one-upsmanship, and partly because I haven't recognized a song I heard at Summers since that time I was at Galaxy Hut.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with but a single step, and Joe may be making a step in the right direction. He has a hell of a lot to make up for though because he changed Salsa night at the last second and at the drop of a hat too without telling anyone. Not staff, not patrons, not drunk ex-pat Canadians looking for their next bottle of cheap Canadian swill.

So let's just call this baby steps and forgive him, again, for he knows not what he does. Although if its not salsa night at Summers, the music might not suck.

Womens World Cup

The Womens World Cup is starting soon and in Germany no less. I hope all the wannabe German bandwagon fans wear their liederhosen. Don't mock. It is better than a chorus of vuvuzelas.

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Ours is Not To Wonder Why

Ours is not to wonder why, ours is but to do and die. Its not the charge of the Light Brigade, but I still feel it is our duty to fill out this survey and let Joe really know what we think about Summers. We've all talked about Summers in hushed tones and whispers behind peoples' backs, but now is our chance. Everything that we feel, right wrong or indifferent should be made plain. It may be a little too late for some of the problems at Summers are not recent, but I honestly admire the effort. Actually, I was completely floored. I couldn't believe that Joe would actually do something like this. It is all for naught though unless he does something with the information that he gathers and improves Summers for the better.

But not too much better, I still want to be able to get a seat.

$2.75 Pint Night, Why Hast Thou Foresaken Me?

$2.75 pint night at Summers is no more.

I mean if you even knew about it in the first place. The single best idea Joe has ever had and not only didn't he tell people about it he didn't tell people he changed his mind at the last minute.

As with anything that Joe does there are so many things wrong with his initial idea, his execution, his dropping of the ball and his cover-up when the shit hits the fan that it will turn your brown eyes blue.

One, $2.75 pint night is a brilliant idea. Two, if you have the cheapest beer in Arlington, you need to tell people about it. Three, nobody is going to know about the cheapest beer in Arlington if the only advirtisement you put up is an advertisement in the mens' bathroom. Four, tell people what you're doing.
Five. tell people when you stop doing what you're supposed to be doing.

Joe, I know you're the worst small business owner in Arlington but why hast thou forsesaken your customers?

Benny & The Winnipeg Jets

First, despite many rumours to the contrary, I am still very much alive. It just so happens that I did run home to Mom with my faux hawk between my legs when we lost early in the playoffs. Again. Plus, I wasn't that smart to begin with, I get by on my good looks, but I think I've had one too many concussions and I forgot where I was for a while.

I have nothing else to do because my team is not in the playoffs, so I've been following news around the league very closesly and I want to say I am glad the Thrashers are moving to Winnipeg. Atlanta is a terrbile city, and so is Winnipeg, but at least it is in Canada. And Canada is where hockey belongs.

Except for here in Washington of course.

Although we clearly don't know how to play hockey very well.

Memorial Day

I want to give a heart-felt thanks to all those that have given their life defending this country.

This Memorial Day, I also want to remember those bloggers that have given their life over the last year defending this blog and the institution which it protects (and mocks).

Moldy Tiles. Not many posts, but all quality. Drowned in Sonny's bucket during March Madness.

Slog1. More posts and more variety. Started this blog. Started the haikus. Almost started Summers Sock Puppet theatre until being stun gunned down in a brutal act of rogue Facebook page repression. Staged a mini-posting comeback until being blinded by a sparkly fist and wandering into oncoming traffic on Wilson Boulevard.

Mike Green Bobblehead. Choked to death on his own playoff ineptitude.

In memory of these bloggers, and all of our veterans, I wish you a happy Memorial Day and please help me keep their memories alive.

Finally

Finally, a professional sports team in the DC metro area that can win when it counts. Wiz never did it. Redskins barely did it and might not do it ever again unless the owners lift the lockout. Caps can't win when it counts. So it was very nice to see DC United win a game tonight.

And I know that Joe treats sports fans like tornadoes treat middle America, but hopefully the fact that I remain open and the fact that I suppot the local sports teams and the fact that I was the best soccer bar in America like seven years ago will draw all the DC United and Barra Brava fans back to where they belong.

Summers Marketing 102

All day it was non-stop meetings and non-stop people just popping in and I know I didn't do any work between the pop-ins, the meetings, the phone calls, the e-mails, the tweets and the instant messages and you know what I think I will just go to the break room and grab another cup of coffee even though its already 4:30 and in hindsight it was a mistake because between the normal inconsistencies of metro and now all the tourists and the humidity which apparently makes metro weak at the knees more than snow does I have been on this metro train for what seems like two hours but its really been closer to one hour judging by the smart phone I pulled out to play angry birds after I just wanted to check the time and considering the hour I will just drop by Summers to use the toilet and oh my god the last thing I want to think about is drinking more but I am also a cheap bastard so it is a pity that the first mention that I saw of cheap beer was all the way back here in the bathroom.

Summers Marketing 101

I think Harold Camping studied at the Summers School of Marketing. When I ran across this sign in the metro station the other day, the first thing that struck me was, rapture? What rapture? Its like $2.75 pint night at Summers. What $2.75 pint night? It would help if you didn't put your sign at the back of the Red Room, I mean at the end of the metro station platform. I also love the fact that there is a guarantee that the Bible guarantees it. The only person I know that actually guarantees anything is George Zuckerman from Mens Warehouse, and thank you George, I do like the way I look. I also love the irony of the fact that Judgement Day was supposed to be May 21 and its like May something after May 21 and the sign is still up. Its like that time that Joe put up all those signs that Yeungling pints are on special, but he doesn't actually have any Yeungling on tap.

Four Courts, And Seven Years Ago

Our fathers brought forth on this street corner, a new restaurant and sports pub, conceived in the blink of an eye after a long night of drinking and javelin-throwing and without any sort of business plan or business acumen, dedicated to the proposition that all servers are created equal.

All the fancy words are just talk. The important thing is that I stepped out of my comfort zone today and experienced how the other half lives.

Some might say all you did was cross the fucking street and go to Four Courts so get over yourself. True. But what a big difference crossing the street can make.

Four Courts had people in it. Which was weird. Summers never has anybody in it. Part of that is because it is marketed so ferociously as a soccer bar that there's no reason to go there if there's not a soccer game being played.

A bigger part of it is because nobody is ever sure what the night's special is (unless you're back by the old pay phone and see the one ad affixed with blue electrical tape) or which shitty server is working the red room.

I mean the emptiness of Summers totally vibes with my anti-social tendencies, but its still nice to see a human face every once in while.

Especially after you try and order a beer just before happy hour ends and you stare into the blackest eyes of the purest evil and death from the deepest darkest depths of hell stares straight back.

Whoops.

Bend Down Low

Bend down low Joe, let me tell you what I know
You reap what you sow, that is all that I know

You keep on changing the menu, but you don't let customers in
I get from the offical Facebook page you've been living in sin

Sometimes people can walk right in, sit right down
People would pay for beer but you treat them like clowns

So Bend Down Low and let me tell you all I know

Allergies

I am allergic to smoke. I am also allergic to tourists. And apparently I am allergic to customers because Joe doesn't even let them in the Red Room anymore.

The $5 Taco

I don't want to get off on a rant here, but where the hell does Joe get off offering a $5 taco? I understand I'm a day late and a dollar short, actually four dollars short because I can't afford a $5 taco, but this is still bothering me. Cinqo di Maio has come and gone, but I can't let it go.

One thing that bothers me about the whole ordeal is the fact that Joe would actually offer tacos for one day, that he would apparently go through all the effort to do that and get all the ingredients necessary, but he won't keep Yeungling in stock.

Another thing that bothers me about the whole ordeal is the fact that Joe would charge $5 for a taco. Dios Mio! Me Bromea? Considerig the Summers kitchen has never offered a taco before and considering there are $1 taco specials across the region, what the hell was Joe thinking?

That's a worse than when Quagmire and I jumped the White House fence.

Top 10 Ways the Caps Can Get Better

10. Get a new goalie.
9. Get a new coach.
8. Get new badwagon fans.
7. Forget about bandwagon fans.
6. Get new fans.
5. Get better fans.
4. Get real fans.
3. Get real hokcey players.
2. Win a playoff series.
1. Stop saying this is the year.

Top 10 Reasons We Lost

10. Me.
9. We just suck.
8. We can't play defense.
7. We can't play play offense.
6. We don't have enough veterans.
5. We have Alexander Semin.
4. Bruce Budreau.
3. Bandwagon fans.
2. We choke under pressure.
1. That's what the Caps do.

Surprise!

Actually it should be no surprise we made an early exit from the NHL playoffs again. My team sucks, and honestly, a large portion of the blame lies with me. I suck. I can grow a fauxhawk and I can skate backwards, but I can't play defense and I can't win more than a single playoff series in a single year. Don't blame Coach for the loss, blame me.

How are the Penguins like a car?

They both choke in the clutch.

I must admit its a good thing the Caps bandwagon is automatic and not standard, or we might have had a lot more fans jumping on and off the bandwagon this year. I'm also glad that neither Sid or Geno played in the series or they might have when and then we might have had to face them and then we would have lost like we always do.

I'm just glad I was able to come back and contribute during the playoffs. I look forward to facing the Lightning in the next round, but who are we kidding? Tampa Bay shouldn't even have a hockey team in the first place, eh?

Summers Still Open

Hey Folks,

Joe asked me to let you all know that Summers Restaurant & Sports Bar is still open. They will have a limited menu. And the taps still don't work properly. That's just because of negligence and incompetent management, not because of a "significant" grease fire. They don't even use grease at Summers, they just heat up shit in the microwave. The police didn't shut down any streets because nobody goes to Summers anymore and because nobody in the fire department would try to save it.

In Dreams and in Summers there are no Impossibilities

Barely endured acquaintances, we are gathered here today in the sight of three out of four security cameras and in the face of this enslaved Mongolian staff, to join together a Fedora and a Cigarette in a gossip cloud of sexual association based on snide assumptions and outright lies, in which human beings are unfairly represented by half-assed inanimate metaphors; which is an honorable estate because at least we think they’re getting some, instituted of Slumlog on The Internet, in the time of one man’s astounding innocence for his age, signifying unto us the utterly baffling union that is betwixt the Red Room and its patrons; which shady estate Sonny adorned and beautified with his mop and bucket and red rope lights that he wrought at Overstock.com, and is commended of St. Shawndhi to be honorable among all men partaking in secret premarital hokey-pokey; and therefore is not by any to be corrupted by Beer Goggles or Oxygen Deprivation, or taken in hand without first locking the bathroom door; but reverently, discreetly, at least thinly veiled, repressed in public, retaining the awkwardness of not exactly remembering what happened last night, and in the fear of Slumlog, and duly considering the causes for which this gossip cloud was ordained.  One was the procreation of horrible jokes, to be brought forth in the fear and nurture of Slumlog.  It was also ordained for the mutual bar patrons, confusion and bewilderment that the one ought to have for the other, with full beer or empty; into which shady estate these two unbecoming accessories present come now to be joined.  Therefore, if any other unbecoming accessory can show just cause why they may not be imaginarily joined together, let it speak now, or else hereafter hold its beer in a Thirst Aid Helmet ™.

You Win Some, You Lose Some

You win some, you lose some. How come you never hear that when you win? For the most part, it was my grandmother that tried to teach me that kind of life lesson. My parents just told me to get over myself. Now that I am nearly the age of my grandparents, I feel quite comfortable in dispensing unsolicited life lessons. Joe, I don't know much, but I know you win some and you lose some.

Posting a sign about the return of the hockey playoffs is a win. I mean thank god for real overtime and none of this 4 0n 4, 5-minute crap. I also thank god because I'm still watching hockey and I don't have to start watching baseball, or god forbid, keep watching, I mean start watching Nascar. Seriously, how hard is it to turn left all of the time? I don't know because I don't have a car, that's why I'm asking.

On the flipside, I know my grandmother also taught me not to say anything if I couldn't say anything nice, but I can't say anything nice about this other sign. This sign is a loser. Okay, I know this is a brutal fucking picture of the sign, but bear with me. Silly Sunday is the worst tagline Joe has had since I know its 2011 but Peroni is still on special from the World Cup. Plus, is it just me or does the Terminator hand conjour up images of death and destruction rather thant laughs? Also, I appreciate the promise of free parking, but isn't that arranged by the Couty of Arlington rather than the county of Joe? Even so, how the hell does that help me once I'm inside the restaurant? That's more of a rhetorical question, but if you have an answer, please e-mail me at imnevergonnarespond@gmail.com.

Opening Day At Summers

I wasn't there but I will offer my unsolicited opinion that organizing an opening day event at Summers was the worst idea that Joe has had since he decided to charge a cover fee for salsa dancing lessons, and then provide them for free because nobody showed up and then fire that salsa dancing company because they were pretty fucking brutal and only encouraged summers staff members to skip their shifts so they could dress like tarts and try and entrap a husband and then he decided to hire a new slsa dancing teacher and chage more at the door.

That being said, baseball is the most boring sport since billiards.

There are also 180 games. The first one makes no fucking difference. Plus, baseball games are shown on a dozen channels. It is not like Joe has exclusive rights to Seven Nations Rugby or that bikini swimsuit channel that's always on in the Red Room.

I know. I hate baseball. I'm biased. But I love Summers.

I think Joe could have come up with a more original idea than a baseball opening day event.

Which only begs the question, what if Joe throw a party and nobody showed up?

Are You Ready For Some Hockey?

You had better be because we're going all the way this year. Well, before I get ahead of myself and etch my name on the Stanley Cup, let me give a shout out to my teammates because I haven't played in months and I have not contributed to the playoff run. Second, let me give a shout out to all the bandwagon Caps fans. Without bandwagon fans we wouldn't have fans. I know y'all don't know anything about hockey and only cheer for us because the Redskins suck, the Nationals are worse, and the Wizards make our playoff futility look like we're champions, but we appreciare the support. I mean if we had real hockey fans, y'all would know I don't actually play any defense. Third, thanks to all our bandwagon fans for rocking the red room and making Summers the best hockey bar in the area.

Slummers Inferno - Seventh Circle (Middle Ring)

In this ring are the suicides who are transformed into gnalry trees and bushes. The Harpy feeds on the bushes. Unique among the patrons of Summers, the suicides will not be resurrected after Joe's final judgement, having given away their souls through violence to the self because The Harpy was on break and didn't bring them a beer for what seemed like an eternity or because they had to listen to the piped-in music or the electric rumbero beats.

The other residents of this ring are the profligates who destroyed their lives by destroying the means by which their lives at Summers are sustained.

In a simple twist of fate, I am being chased by a ferocious dog through the thorny undergrowth because I write snide comments about the very place I go to drink beer.

Chips & Salsa Dancing

I hate to admit it, but Mean Joe Green has had two great ideas recently.

Joe makes Jeffrey Skilling and Ken Lay look like Mother Teresa and Ghandi, but every once in a while he has an idea I can get behind and that I am willing to put my money on because I know he's a good small businessman.

One, he reinstituted the free chips & salsa. Two, he also extended Salsa Dancing Night from Tuesdays to Tuesdays and Thursdays.

These are the two most brilliant ideas he's had since opening Summers.

Or not.

Happy Belated April Fool's Day dumbasses.

Slummers Guest Post: Quoth the Raven "Never Again"

Every once in a while someone says it better than we do. As much as we on the Slumlog editorial board like to feature original content because we like to hear ourselves talk, we can't take credit for the following diatribe. This rant was forwarded to us by a reader. Enjoy:

NEVER AGAIN

I really hate crossing the river and when I do it really pisses me off to go all that way, risking my life crossing the river, to then eat some crappy ass wings.

When I went to Summers with [name withheld to protect the innocent] and [name withheld to protect the guilty] (yes we all know [radio edit] is a vegetarian but she is always willing to go on a wing adventure with me, what a gal!) I was hoping for some great Mardi Gras deals since we went on Fat Tuesday. The deals were not so great but they did have half price wings so I had to do the honors of getting some.

Summers offers two kinds of wings “Spicy Buffalo Wings” and “BBQ.” I made sure to get a basket of half and half so I could try both flavors. If I only knew what I was in for I would have just stuck to the drinks and had NO wings, and that is rare for me to say I wouldn’t eat ANY wings.

1. Spicy Buffalo Wing- these wings were one of the soggiest wings I have ever eaten. They tasted as if they had been cooked and soaked in some weird liquid to soften the skin to make them extra soggy and then covered in a nasty Buffalo Sauce that made me want to gag. The sauce was slightly spicy and would be on a medium hot scale. I would say these were spicy only if my lips were chapped.

NEVER AGAIN

2. BBQ-These wings were crunchy and not sopping soggy like the Buffalo ones but they were not a good crunch. They were crunchy as in they seemed to have been cooked first and placed under a heating lamp to stay hot, which then caused the stupid wings to get crusty and dry out. So yes I guess a better term would be these were crusty wings not crunchy and the BBQ sauce did nothing to try and help them. They were awful.

NEVER AGAIN

Needless to say I would not eat at Summers again. Their wings were horrible and I didn’t find their food choices to be that appetizing or for them to have something on their menu that stood out from other “bar” food to encourage someone to come in and order food and drink their beer. They do nothing to try and stand out instead they seem to be okay with being the neighborhood hole in the wall.

Birchmere v Summers

As much as I love Summers, every once in a while I like to check into a new Foursquare venue just to keep up the weekly point total. I know I'm never going to be the Foursquare Mayor of Summers, partly because I support rogue facebook pages, and partly because I'm on probation for trying to walk through the kitchen. I know I couldn't even handle being the Foursquare Mayor of Summers for with great power comes great responsibility.

One place I wouldn't mind being Foursquare Mayor of is the Birchmere Music Hall. I had occasion to check into this venue the other evening, and although I'm like eleventeen days away from being Foursquare Mayor of the Birchmere, I did spend enough time in the Birchmere to steal a few ideas to pass along to the Foursquare Mayor of Summers.

One, at the Birchmere, they have servers that bring you beer. I know its not a novel concept, but its fucking brilliant. The next time you're running for Foursquare Mayor of Summers, your platform should be servers will actually bring you beer.

Two, at the Birchmere, they have servers that bring you food. I know this is not a novel concept either, but people are happy when you bring them food. Summers patrons might enjoy Summers more if you brought them food. Well, brought them food in a timely manner and brought them food that didn't taste like you went across the street, walked through the Wendys drive-through, brought it back to Summers, dropped it in a vat of stale cooking grease, coated it in wing sauce, and plated it on a lettuce leaf I think I saw in the garbage can outside Boston Market.

Three, at the Birchmere, they play music. I mean they play music people enjoy. I don't know what kind of online survey you conducted, but the music I hear in Summers is music that I have never heard before, and it is music I never want to hear again.

Operation Slummers Dawn

Operation Slummers Dawn is the codename for the interpatron operation in the Red Room that is enforcing United Slummers Council Resolution 1. It implements a no-Mya zone to prevent Summers forces loyal to Muammar Joedaffi from carrying out their Oh-we're-out-of-that-even-though-its-on-special campaign and to prevent the implementation of their economic terrorist strategy of overcharging for everything and to limit the damage from and to boost morale in spite of the sheer audacity of the shock-and-salsa submission campaign.

Slummers Application for Use Permits and Variances

I, Ess-Dog, of Lot Summers Grill & Sports Bar Block Dark Side Section Red Room Subdivision My barstool hereby apply for a Variance to Section 666 Subsection 69 of the Zoning Ordinance as contained in the appendix of the Arlington County Code to permit the building of a tiara and lace skirt for Summers Grill & Sports Bar so it can host an American Idol Night. The variance shall also include a name change to Summers Grill & Girl Bar Where Girls Can Watch American Idol and Not Watch Sports Bar.

MonsterMatch.com

In our attempt to provide continuing support to Summers Restaurant and members of the Summers community, we have created another rogue web site, monstermatch.com, to match job applicants to job openings at Summers on 37 points of compatibility.

Just imagine if monster.com and match.com had an ugly red-headed step-child.

Imagine how ugly that would be.

And then multiply by infinity.

And add one.

Our site is worse.

But as a patron of Summers, I seek only the best service and really I would just be happy with a beer, and in order to make sure only the most qualified candidates apply, I offer this sample resume. If you are interested in applying for the job, check out our fake rogue website for additional information that won't help.

Name: Its like the SAT, you get 200 points for just filling in this space.

Address: Don't pick 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Or 1823 M St.

Objective: If you want to work at Summers, your objectives should be to debunk the myth of customer service, prove that two wrongs do make a right, prove one plus one equals three (you should have seen my last tab), state that you don't actually want to seek opportunities for advancement or professional development.

Skills Profile:I'm at a fucking loss to help you here. The only skills I've seen consistently across a broad range of employees are an inability to remember what I ordered, the ability to disappear when I want something to drink, the desire to tell me a story I couldn't care less about, the ability to forget what I ordered between where I'm sitting and the beer tap and the inability to figure out how a television remote works. Not that I wanted to wach a game anyway.

Employment History: This doesn't matter. Nobody looks and the people that are reviewing your resume or c.v. can't read anyway.

Emplyement Future: Get another fucking job because this one doesn't come as advertised.

Education: Don't hate the playa, hate the game.

References: Don't look at me.

Slummers Inferno - Seventh Circle (Outer Ring)

This ring houses the violent against bartenders and barstools. Offenders are immersed in Phlegethon, a river of terrible music and even worse service. Inhabitants of this circle are punished to a level commensurate with their sins. The loudest person I've ever know is immersed up to their mouth for calling a Summers bartender a professional. The Orlandroid is immersed up to his shoulders for using his arms to knock down all of the barstools. The Centaurs, the half-horse half-bartenders commanded by Joeron, patrol the ring, firing firey javelins into those trying to escape.