Thursday, June 15, 2017

Summers Go Blues

People say that Summers  is no good
But I wouldn't cut you loose, Joe, if I could
Well, I seem to fall down on the ground,
Donna, I'm too far gone to turn around
If you would make up your strongest drink,
Take me where you go, I'm too drunk I really think

Summers, you got those come and go blues,
Summers, you got those come and go blues,
Yes, you do,Summers you got me feelin' like a fool

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Jamming in Joe's Garage - Joe's Garage Part I

Summers isn't very large
There's no room to cram the bums
In the corner over by the George
He's five foot four
And a total bore
With a cheesy little tramp
He always gives me a cramp
You know he can't handle a bar
Because he can't see that far

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Jamming in Joe's Garage - The Central Scrutinizer

This is Joe. I am the CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER...

It is my responsibility to enforce some of the laws some of the time for some of the patrons and all of the laws for all of the patrons none of the time and remind none of the patrons of none of the laws that none of them even know. I certainly can't be bothered to give customers a heads up about the things that I haven't told them I've made up and aren't even laws but I judge them on because I've tried to hide my insecurities behind ABC regulations and unsubstantiated customer feedback because I have a fear of engaging with customers since I don't want to listen to them. 

It is also my responsibility to alert each and every one of you to the potential consequences of various ordinary drinking activities you might be performing which could eventually lead to you getting banned from Summers or having extra beers added to your tab because I can't be bothered to hire decent help let alone teach them how to do their job because I am so focused on expenses I don't have time to care about customer service (or worry about your credit rating). 

Our drinking institutions are full of little creeps like Summers regulars who do wrong things...
and many of them were driven to these crimes by a horrible force called MUSIC! Our terrible Yelp reviews have shown that this horrible force is so dangerous to people walking by our establishment that more spurious made-up laws are being drawn up at this very moment to stop us playing music outside forever!

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Customer Complaints - April 2017

There are a lot of customer complaints at Summers.

This one tickled our funny bone because it was made about someone that doesn't even work at Summers. There is a regular, let's call him Derek, who was in Summers one day to drink a couple of the cheapest beers in Arlington. He was wearing a dark shirt and sitting near the door and so he received complaints from customers because he didn't help seat everyone that walked in the door.

I find it ironic that both Joe and other shitty Summers staff couldn't wait to mention perceived problems to this Summers regular rather than noticing their own service shortcomings.

That is one of Joe's biggest management deficiencies, he would rather play the blame game and spread the criticism to customers and co-workers instead of making things better.

Monday, April 3, 2017

Wrestlemania at Summers

Another Wrestlemania, another chance to show how fake Summers' customer service is.

Once again, another Wrestlemania is upon us and once again Joe will prove that he doesn't know anything about business, running a bar, or what customer service even means.

Hardcore wrestling fans started showing up well before the published Wrestlemania start time of 6 P.M. They waited patiently in an increasingly crowded front room without wrestling coverage as Joe made excuses about why he wouldn't open the back room.

He didn't call anyone to come in early, he didn't put on wrestling coverage early and he certainly didn't come out and talk to his customers that were clearly showing their impatience.

We here at Slumlog have no sympathy for Joe and scoff at his handling of the situation and his disregard for the customers, especially since the same thing happened last year and the year before.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

2017 Musical Interlude #3 - One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer

John Lee Hooker is just running through a list of everything Summers doesn't have in stock.

John Lee wouldn't have to repeat the chorus over and over if Joe just looked at his inventory and ordered ahead or even thought about what his customers wanted or drank on a regular basis.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

People Watching

One of our main missions here at Slumlog is to make Summers a nicer place to hang so that we and other customers and even random passersby can come and in and enjoy themselves even for a brief period after work before they have to head to a home they would rather avoid, and we do that by calling Joe on his shenanigans and pointing out all the shortcomings of his servers and waitstaff.

But every once in a while w have to sit back and enjoy the glory that is Summers. First, we should appreciate the foot traffic that wanders, saunters, skips, runs, walks, plods, crawls, marches, meanders, bounces, drives, cycles,  hops, bops, clops, drops or struts by Summers.

The people watching at Summers, especially when the weather is good, is amazing.

It is a pity Joe hasn't done more to capitalize on the prime location.

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Saint Patrick's Day at Summers

No luck of the Irish here.

No luck for anyone else either. Joe in all his infinite dumbness didn't learn from his mistakes on St. Patrick's Day last when amateur drinks decided to spend the day out and tried to go to Four Courts like everyone else in Arlington and couldn't get in there so they decided to go to the next closet bar which was right across the street and which happens to be Summers.

Summers was packed at peak St. Patrick's Day time and customers had to wait twice or three times as long as normal to get a drink. Joe should have doubled his staff or opened the Red Room.

It was just another day (& another St. Patrick's Day) when Joe proves he doesn't listen, he's incapable of learning from his mistakes and he doesn't really care about the customers that come to Summers.

Friday, March 17, 2017

Summers Limericks 2017 - #12

The big problem at Summers is the service
When I see George working I get nervous
It's not that he's that bad
He's just really sad
And to all the complaints he is impervious

Summers Limericks 2017 - #11

Today we got to see Slog1
After that drink she was done
We gleed
She fleed
And that's how to have fun

Summers Limericks 2017 - #10

It is the start of another March Madness
The total chaos at Summers brings sadness
Joe is unaware
George don't care
Why is there so much epic badness?

Summers Limericks 2017 - #9

It is just one more St. Patrick's Day
When all the amateurs come out to play
They drink like fish
Would leave I wish
All I ask is please get out of my way

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Summers Limericks 2017 - #8

There once was a man from Malta
Thought nothing was ever his faulta
He couldn't spell
Customers did yell
Some threw shakers of salta

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Summers Limericks 2017 - #7

Joe should probably check on Summers' beer tubes
Beer is always warm and could use some  ice cubes
Joe should also check the taps
What the hell happened to Pabst?
At least my beer glass doesn't have pubes

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Summers Limericks 2017 - #6

A customer should never fear
This place will run out of beer
The beer may be warm
And may cause harm
But a new drink is always near

Sunday, March 12, 2017

Summers Limericks 2017 - #5

There's not a single soul alive
Don' t know Summers is a dive
We all know its a hole
There's a lot of rigmarole
Yet Joe still seems to thrive

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Summers Limericks 2017 - #4

Summers always runs out of beer
It is going to hell I hear
I go 'cause its near
My friends often jeer
I should stop going I fear

Friday, March 10, 2017

Summers Limericks 2017 - #3

Summers is a place I used to drink
A place I never used to think
Now it just sucks
I spend a few bucks
Hope I don't end up in the clink

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Summers Limericks 2017 - #2

There once was a man named Jorge
Who couldn't make a drink anyway
He doesn't know spirits
He totally fears its
He's always asking "Porque?"

Monday, March 6, 2017

Summers Limericks 2017 - #1

There once was a manager named Joe
Who thought that he ran the shit show
He really doesn't care
'Cause customers aren't there
Wow, Summers does totally blow

Introducing Summers Limericks 2017

To celebrate Saint Patrick's Day 2017 Summers has not instituted a Limerick Contest. The winner will not be awarded a gift certificate for food or drink at Summers because Joe is stingy, also because this is not an officially-endorsed Summers contest. Those usually end in the prize money being withheld because Joe changed his mind after the fact or because he was disappointed at the poor turnout at one of his events that he forgot about and didn't mention to anyone.

The only reason we are holding this fake limerick contest is because Joe [insert euphemism here: "totally fucked up", "bungled", "completely forgot about", "mismanaged", "didn't give a sh!t about", "failed to remember to mention/advertise", "half-assed", "Monday morning-quarterbacked", "was hoping customers wouldn't notice he's completely dismissed them from his mind", "doesn't care about his customers are thinking and never seizes on any genuine business opportunities like drinking the night before the first day of Lent"] the traditional Mardi Gras Celebration at Summers.

So we need to make Summers great again by having a fake limerick contest.

Monday, February 27, 2017

Annoying Customers

How do you deal with annoying customers?

I know it is a more difficult question than most at Summers due to the lack of customers (which leads to a lack of experience) but to be fair, the answer should not matter based on quantity or percentage.

Take this evening for example.

A single customer was playing potential phone ringtones such that everyone in the establishment could hear them, She was cackling and snorting to her heart's content with every ringtone she heard. Granted there were not a lot of customers in Summers at the time but part of the the Summers aesthetic is that you can come to Summers and find your own peace and quiet.

At what point can you tell customers that they are being annoying?

Does it matter they are annoying other customers?

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Take A Walk on the Summers side

I enjoy going to Summers and I enjoy the people I meet there.


I would fear for my life if I had to walk down the street past Summers when the weather was nice.

There is always a lot of hooting and hollering and shouting and frivolity and jumping and singing and clapping. But now that I think about it, as much as I would hate to be on the outside looking in, I enjoy being on the inside. That's why people go to Summers as a matter of fact, it is not the service, it is not the food, it is the camaraderie and friendship.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Shock Absorber

I was in Summers today. Shocker. No, not that shocker, that is to say we are not giving our reader the shocker, instead our reader might be given a surprise with intense horror. Which they shouldn't be because I'm in Summers like every other day. I was being facetious anyway. Anyway, when I was in Summers today I learned that Summers had run out of Amstel Light. Shocker. Yes, that shocker. It certainly felt like Joe was giving his customers one in the stink. I mean who runs out of beer? Perhaps more egregiously, who then says that beer which people are drinking won't be available for at least a week? We shouldn't be shocked that Joe & Summers continue to set the customer service bar so low, but I continue to be shocked and it hurts.

Saturday, February 18, 2017

Everything is Coming Up George

Oh, I hate serving customers.

Hey, despite me customers still want to drink alcohol.

Everything is coming up George.

Thursday, February 9, 2017

Let's Make Summers George Again

The other day I stumbled into Summers seeking shelter from the storm looking for some cheap alcohol.

Unfortunately I was three minutes off my target arrival time and I was informed George was on his way so I was afraid to order a drink because George doesn't want anyone else behind his bar when he arrives.

And I know we're working to make America great again but we're not working to make Summers great again if servers and waitstaff can't work together to serve patrons that are on site even if staff are not.

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Summers Year in Preview 2017 - #3: The Problem of the Missing Chairs

Sherlock Holmes is the smartest person I've ever met.

Okay, so Sherlock Holmes isn't a real person but I'm not really sure that Joe is. I mean, what human being with a brain would run Summers the way that Joe runs it, right?

Even so, Joe and Sherlock Holmes have similarities. Sherlock uses deductive reasoning and Joe uses no reasoning. Sherlock is observant and Joe isn't. Sherlock has helped people in need, Joe has not. To top it all off, Sherlock has a trusted lieutenant in John Watson, Joe has a trusted informant in George.

Unfortunately, the differences set them apart. Sherlock likes solving mysteries, Joe likes creating them. Take the intriguing mystery of the missing chairs.

The weather was nice today so who wouldn't want to sit outside on one of Summers luxurious outdoor chairs? Let's get Sherlock on the case.

Except he won't solve the case of the missing chairs.

Why not? Because the homeless people keep stealing them.

Except the homeless people seem to be stealing them and hiding them behind Summers.

Monday, January 30, 2017

Summers Year in Preview 2017 - #2: Something George is New Again

I want Summers to start 2017 off on the right foot, but having George work most nights is a terrible start.

I won't say George is the worst bartender I have ever seen but I won't say a lot of things like I secretly love "Gilmore Girls", the Spice Girls and brussel sprouts.

Well, sprouts are tolerable if you put enough sugar on them and once they're grilled they don't rat on their co-workers.

I really want to find the best in everyone and want to give George another chance but the fact he continues getting drink orders wrong, handing back tabs that over charge customers and then arguing with them about it doesn't bode well as we strive to make Summers great again.

Friday, January 20, 2017

Summers Year in Preview 2017 - #1

Breaking News: Summers Runs Out of Vodka!

Granted it was only rail Vodka and it was only like for thirty minutes, but still how was does a bar in Arlington run out of Vodka, on a Friday, Inauguration Day Friday, nonetheless?

The answer is that real bars, well-run establishments do not.

This incident might just be a hiccup, but every single sign, statistic and study simply suggests it will be more of the same for Summers in 2017.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Summers Year in Review 2016 - #4

We here at Slumlog Enterprises Inc. had a staff meeting earlier this week. The word from the publishers was that our editorial policy of taking the piss out of Summers was too harsh and we needed something nice to say or we shouldn't say anything at all.

(Editor's note - Thanks for the lift to slumlog board the meeting Mom. Yes, I cleaned my room and I only say nice things about people because people who live in houses with glass windows shouldn't throw stones. I know that, I don't need another lecture. Can you pick me up at 9?)

So we had another meeting about finding nice things to say about Summers just the other day.

The results of our brainstorming session were as follows:

1) Summers is  generally open
2) George doesn't work all of the time
3) There is usually beer available
4) Sports is often on some kind of television
5) Summers does have bathrooms

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

2017 Musical Interlude #2 - Ol' George Stopped Drinking Today

Me and the bottle have always been friends.

But me and George ain't ever been friends. So I wish George would stop. If you can't be a good bartender, you can't be a good friend. As the song says, "They'll say he (George) had a problem, dealing with his mind, he just couldn't seem to make it, serving customers on time."

So it is not so much that George stopped drinking today but it is more that I stopped drinking because George is working today.

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Summers Year in Review 2016 - #3

Slumlog is not a scandal sheet but we wanted to tackle one of the biggest Summers scandals of 2016 right here on these pages.

The Great Tito's Fiasco of 2016 rocked Summers to its foundation and traumatized patrons and patronizers in the Summer of 2016.

Let me set the scene.

The sun is shining. The air is warm. The seats outside Summers have no cushions because Joe knows that rather than having a comfortable place to recline, people like to use seat cushions to start fires even though it is hot outside in the bright sun.

In the atmosphere of no pain, no gain, nothing helps an uncomfortable customer forget all their worries, forget all their fears, forget their sore rears like a clean, crisp and refreshing Tito's & Soda.

Except Tito's Vodka disappeared off the menu overnight.

Vanished without a trace. Didn't even say goodbye.

When reached for comment about the sudden disappearance of his most popular commodity, Joe was reported to have said, "Hey, customers were buying too much Tito's."

For shame Joe, for shame, If there's one thing you should have learned from the business school you clearly never attended, it should be selling stuff customers will buy.

Friday, January 6, 2017

2017 Musical Interlude #1 - Madame George

When we did our year-end survey at Slumlong Inc., the primary reason given for declining readership was that we never posted anything ever.

The secondary reason given for declining readership was that we were always too serious.

Mea culpa readers. We hear you. In trying to keep Summers and Summers management on the straight and narrow we lost sight of what our readers really wanted. Our readers want to keep their fingers on the pulse of the Summers heartbeat but they want to have fun too. To that end, we're going to make some format changes in 2017.

We will continue to keep Summers, Summers management and Summers wait staff in the cross-hairs of our withering and acerbic assault, but we will also try and amuse ourselves and our readers too. In that vein, please enjoy what we hope to be the first of many musical interludes this year:

(Please disregard references to going for cigarettes and matches in the shops, the eyes of Madame George, playing dominoes in drag or the smell of sweet perfume, this post is about music and is not intended as social commentary.):

Thursday, January 5, 2017

Summers Year in Review 2016 - #2

There was a lot of turnover in the Summers staff in 2016. We lost Tonia, Yulia, and some lady that showed up dead drunk on her first day at Summers and hadn't even started her first shift before she began accosting customers and yelling at passersby. We also lost Lesley on some trumped up charge of stealing booze during her shift despite being popular and the booze she was allegedly stealing was a customer favorite so rather than determining she was selling something that everyone was ordering, Summers management assumed she was stealing but that sordid story is for another post. Perhaps the most mind-boggling staff change in 2016 was one that didn't happen. Perhaps even more surprising than Donald Trump's victory in the November election is that George is still employed at Summers. I mean how does that happen? Asking why George still tends bar at Summers is kind of like asking why is "Two Broke Girls" still on television since both are terrible and appeal to the lowest common denominator. George doesn't listen to customers, consistently gets orders wrong and consistently gets bills wrong. He's also slow and inattentive. Summers has consistently set an extremely low bar for customer service, but this is bordering on inexcusable. 2017 is the time to make Summers great again, so let's make a fresh start and get rid of George.

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Summers Year in Review 2016 - #1

One of my New Year's resolutions in 2017 is to be a better person (like it has been every other year I can remember). To that end I don't want to start off 2017 with a rant about Summers, and I want to be understanding even though a rant would make me feel better, but to be honest 2016 was another year of abysmal customer service for (at) Summers. I don't have an MBA and I've never worked in the service industry (those are caveats), but I've always heard that the first law of customer service is that the customer is always right. Unfortunately, the customer is not always right at Summers. More despairingly, I'm not sure that the customer ever is right at Summers. I can't count, let alone keep track of the number of times that the customer was wrong at Summers. Whether it was disagreement on how to make the drink the customer ordered, or whether the customer even ordered the drink, the Summers management doesn't seem to care. Granted, the disagreements and back talk seem to be limited to one or two bartenders, but the dwindling customer service trend is disturbing. The lack of attention to detail is appalling and because the issues with the terrible customer service have been reported multiple times, the fault has to lie with upper management. So in terms the kids can understand, customer service at Summers was an epic fail in 2016.