Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Benny & The Winnipeg Jets

First, despite many rumours to the contrary, I am still very much alive. It just so happens that I did run home to Mom with my faux hawk between my legs when we lost early in the playoffs. Again. Plus, I wasn't that smart to begin with, I get by on my good looks, but I think I've had one too many concussions and I forgot where I was for a while.

I have nothing else to do because my team is not in the playoffs, so I've been following news around the league very closesly and I want to say I am glad the Thrashers are moving to Winnipeg. Atlanta is a terrbile city, and so is Winnipeg, but at least it is in Canada. And Canada is where hockey belongs.

Except for here in Washington of course.

Although we clearly don't know how to play hockey very well.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Memorial Day

I want to give a heart-felt thanks to all those that have given their life defending this country.

This Memorial Day, I also want to remember those bloggers that have given their life over the last year defending this blog and the institution which it protects (and mocks).

Moldy Tiles. Not many posts, but all quality. Drowned in Sonny's bucket during March Madness.

Slog1. More posts and more variety. Started this blog. Started the haikus. Almost started Summers Sock Puppet theatre until being stun gunned down in a brutal act of rogue Facebook page repression. Staged a mini-posting comeback until being blinded by a sparkly fist and wandering into oncoming traffic on Wilson Boulevard.

Mike Green Bobblehead. Choked to death on his own playoff ineptitude.

In memory of these bloggers, and all of our veterans, I wish you a happy Memorial Day and please help me keep their memories alive.

Sunday, May 29, 2011


Finally, a professional sports team in the DC metro area that can win when it counts. Wiz never did it. Redskins barely did it and might not do it ever again unless the owners lift the lockout. Caps can't win when it counts. So it was very nice to see DC United win a game tonight.

And I know that Joe treats sports fans like tornadoes treat middle America, but hopefully the fact that I remain open and the fact that I suppot the local sports teams and the fact that I was the best soccer bar in America like seven years ago will draw all the DC United and Barra Brava fans back to where they belong.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Summers Marketing 102

All day it was non-stop meetings and non-stop people just popping in and I know I didn't do any work between the pop-ins, the meetings, the phone calls, the e-mails, the tweets and the instant messages and you know what I think I will just go to the break room and grab another cup of coffee even though its already 4:30 and in hindsight it was a mistake because between the normal inconsistencies of metro and now all the tourists and the humidity which apparently makes metro weak at the knees more than snow does I have been on this metro train for what seems like two hours but its really been closer to one hour judging by the smart phone I pulled out to play angry birds after I just wanted to check the time and considering the hour I will just drop by Summers to use the toilet and oh my god the last thing I want to think about is drinking more but I am also a cheap bastard so it is a pity that the first mention that I saw of cheap beer was all the way back here in the bathroom.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Summers Marketing 101

I think Harold Camping studied at the Summers School of Marketing. When I ran across this sign in the metro station the other day, the first thing that struck me was, rapture? What rapture? Its like $2.75 pint night at Summers. What $2.75 pint night? It would help if you didn't put your sign at the back of the Red Room, I mean at the end of the metro station platform. I also love the fact that there is a guarantee that the Bible guarantees it. The only person I know that actually guarantees anything is George Zuckerman from Mens Warehouse, and thank you George, I do like the way I look. I also love the irony of the fact that Judgement Day was supposed to be May 21 and its like May something after May 21 and the sign is still up. Its like that time that Joe put up all those signs that Yeungling pints are on special, but he doesn't actually have any Yeungling on tap.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Four Courts, And Seven Years Ago

Our fathers brought forth on this street corner, a new restaurant and sports pub, conceived in the blink of an eye after a long night of drinking and javelin-throwing and without any sort of business plan or business acumen, dedicated to the proposition that all servers are created equal.

All the fancy words are just talk. The important thing is that I stepped out of my comfort zone today and experienced how the other half lives.

Some might say all you did was cross the fucking street and go to Four Courts so get over yourself. True. But what a big difference crossing the street can make.

Four Courts had people in it. Which was weird. Summers never has anybody in it. Part of that is because it is marketed so ferociously as a soccer bar that there's no reason to go there if there's not a soccer game being played.

A bigger part of it is because nobody is ever sure what the night's special is (unless you're back by the old pay phone and see the one ad affixed with blue electrical tape) or which shitty server is working the red room.

I mean the emptiness of Summers totally vibes with my anti-social tendencies, but its still nice to see a human face every once in while.

Especially after you try and order a beer just before happy hour ends and you stare into the blackest eyes of the purest evil and death from the deepest darkest depths of hell stares straight back.


Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Bend Down Low

Bend down low Joe, let me tell you what I know
You reap what you sow, that is all that I know

You keep on changing the menu, but you don't let customers in
I get from the offical Facebook page you've been living in sin

Sometimes people can walk right in, sit right down
People would pay for beer but you treat them like clowns

So Bend Down Low and let me tell you all I know

Tuesday, May 17, 2011


I am allergic to smoke. I am also allergic to tourists. And apparently I am allergic to customers because Joe doesn't even let them in the Red Room anymore.

Monday, May 16, 2011

The $5 Taco

I don't want to get off on a rant here, but where the hell does Joe get off offering a $5 taco? I understand I'm a day late and a dollar short, actually four dollars short because I can't afford a $5 taco, but this is still bothering me. Cinqo di Maio has come and gone, but I can't let it go.

One thing that bothers me about the whole ordeal is the fact that Joe would actually offer tacos for one day, that he would apparently go through all the effort to do that and get all the ingredients necessary, but he won't keep Yeungling in stock.

Another thing that bothers me about the whole ordeal is the fact that Joe would charge $5 for a taco. Dios Mio! Me Bromea? Considerig the Summers kitchen has never offered a taco before and considering there are $1 taco specials across the region, what the hell was Joe thinking?

That's a worse than when Quagmire and I jumped the White House fence.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Top 10 Ways the Caps Can Get Better

10. Get a new goalie.
9. Get a new coach.
8. Get new badwagon fans.
7. Forget about bandwagon fans.
6. Get new fans.
5. Get better fans.
4. Get real fans.
3. Get real hokcey players.
2. Win a playoff series.
1. Stop saying this is the year.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Top 10 Reasons We Lost

10. Me.
9. We just suck.
8. We can't play defense.
7. We can't play play offense.
6. We don't have enough veterans.
5. We have Alexander Semin.
4. Bruce Budreau.
3. Bandwagon fans.
2. We choke under pressure.
1. That's what the Caps do.


Actually it should be no surprise we made an early exit from the NHL playoffs again. My team sucks, and honestly, a large portion of the blame lies with me. I suck. I can grow a fauxhawk and I can skate backwards, but I can't play defense and I can't win more than a single playoff series in a single year. Don't blame Coach for the loss, blame me.