Thursday, September 29, 2011

Joefucius: The Analects

Book 14, Verse 24

Joe said, "Bartenders of antiquity studied to improve themselves; bartenders today study to do the least amount of work possible."

Book 14, Verse 30

Joe said, "It is not the failure of customers to appreciate your abilities as a bartender that should trouble you, but rather your lack of skills as a bartender."

Book 14, Verse 33

Joe said, "A good bartender is praised for its ability to serve drinks, not for its banter."

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Joefucius: The Analects

Book 5, Verse 4

A bartender once asked, "What do you think of me?" Joe said, "You are a vessel." The bartender asked, "What kind of vessel?" Joe said, "A sacrificial vessel."

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Joefucius: The Analects

Book 16, Verse 10

Joe said, "There are nine things that a Summers customer turns his thought to: to not seeing a bartender when he opens his eyes, to hearing the echo created by his empty glass when he uses his ears, to not looking mad when he has been totally ignored, to appearing respectful when his bartender has forgotten to serve him, to not dropping f bombs when he speaks of the service he has received, to paying his tab when he received service, to seeking advice as when he's too drunk to figure out what is going on, to the consequences when he is enraged, and to what is right at the sight of gain."

Monday, September 26, 2011

Joefucius: The Analects

Book 14, Verse 2

Joe said, "A customer who is attached to a particular seat is not worthy of being a customer."

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Joefucius: The Analects

Book 8, Verse 9

Joe said, "The common peole can be made to come to Summers but not to understand it."

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Joefucius: The Analects

Book 6, Verse 16

Joe said, "You may have the good looks of Sonny, but you will find it difficult to escape unscathed in this bar if you do not, at the same time, have the eloquence of Terry."

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Joefucius: The Analects

Book 17, Verse 14

Joe said, "The gossip-mongering rogue Facebook page is the outcast of virtue."

Monday, September 19, 2011

Joefucius: The Analects

Book 4, Verse 26

Sonny once said, "To be importunate with one's customers will mean humiliation. To be importunate with Joe will mean having to retrieve umbrellas in the pouring rain."

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Ugly Owner Joe

I hate the rain and crappy service
And I hate your karaoke DJ too
And I don't like a thing about the food, no no
And I hate the Summers light side too
And I hate everything about you

Joefucius: The Analects

Book 13, Verse 12

Joe said, "Even with a true owner, it is bound to take an entire generation for good service to become a reality at Summers."

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Om nom nom nom

Nonsense, right? No. What's nonsense is never going to Summers, nay, refusing to ever set foot in Summers. Summers sure ain't the Old Ebbit Grill, and ain't even the Clarendon Grill, hell, it ain't even a Foreman Grill, but to refuse to ever set foot inside Summers is just utter nonsense.

It has beer just like every other bar. Sure, its service and food ain't up to snuff, but they have beer. And it has the cheapest beer in Arlington. And its got a pretty good beer selection and some good happy hour specials.

It has characters just like ever other bar. Sure, you're never ever ever ever going to pick up up anyone here, even if you have happy hour hair, because there ain't ever anyone here during happy hour but also because Summers ain't that kind of place.

There are a couple of things I enjoy about Summers. One is that it is not that busy here, sure, which means there aren't a lot of opportunities to meet new people. I'm never going to pick up here, but at least I can get a seat on which to sit.

Another thing I enjoy is that Summers just ain't that kind of place. Summers ain't a meat market and it ain't a place to get seen. Its a place I like going with my friends to just hand out and chill.

So if you just got your hair dun, Summers ain't the place for you.

Joefucius: The Analects

Book 5, Verse 20

Summers bartenders always waited thirty minutes before taking action to serve a customer. When Joe heard of of this, he commented, "Twenty minutes is enough to make a customer wait."

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Cotton Eyed Joe

If hadn't been for Joe, I would have been married a long time ago.
Where did you come from, where did you go, where did you come from Joe?

Joefucius: The Analects

Book 9, Verse 1

The occassions on which Joe talked about pofit, service and benevolence were rare.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Pinball Joe

Ever since I was a young customer
I've come here to drink beer
From Donna to Donnie
I always drink without fear
But I ain't seen nothing like him
In any bar around
That deaf dumb and blind owner
Drove this place in the ground

He stands like a statue
Becomes part of the machine
Feeling all the remotes
Can't keep the ceiling tiles clean
Runs the place without intuition
The number of customers falls
That deaf dumb and blind owner
Wish I could kick him in the balls

Joefucius: The Analects

Book 2, Verse 3

Joe said, "Guide them with poorly place signs, keep them in line with bad service, and the common customer will stay out of your bar and have no shame. Guide them by virture, keep them in line with good specials, and they will, besides having a sense of shame, will actually show up at your bar at regular intervals."

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Joefucius: The Analects

Book 17, Verse 25

Joe said, "In one's bar, it is the women and the small men that are difficult to deal with. If you pay them too much, they get insolent. If you keep them at a distance, they move to Hawaii or West Virginia."

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Ten Years After

I remember where I was ten years ago. I wasn't at Summers but I was in the area. I wasn't in the Pentagon but I could see the devastation. I remember not knowing what was going on, there was so much chaos and confusion. I could see the smoke. I wasn't scared, but I was uncomfortable. I didn't think I was in any immediate danger, but I didn't know for sure. I wanted to help, but I didn't know what to do. I made it through the day, but there were many that didn't. Our thoughts and prayers are with them and their families.

Joefucius: The Analects

Joe said, "Extravagance means ostenation, frugality means shitty blue tape. I would rather be shitty blue tape than ostenatious."

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Summers Taint

Summers t'aint a place that people go. Summers t'aint the place I want to go, but I c'aint help it. Summers t'aint a place where everybody knows your name. Summers t'aint a place to take a significant other. Summers tain't a place I would take my mother. Hell, Summers t'aint a place that I even let my mother know that I go. My mother also t'aint my significant other. She t'aint. Summers also t'aint a place where you go for the food. Summers t'aint a place to meet people. The Red Room is always so dark you c'aint see people and there sure as hell t'aint no conversation. Summers t'aint a place you go for trivia night There t'aint no prize. Summers t'aint a place for karaoke neither. I t'aint never heard no sweet sounds drifting out the Red Room. Summers t'aint a place place for salsa and sh'aint be a place for salsa but Joe c'aint s'aint n'aint. Summers t'aint a place for new ideas neither. Joe t'aint listen to you no how no way, he c'aint.

Joefucius: The Analects

Book 15, Verse 13

Joe said, "I suppose I should give up hope. I have yet to meet the man who is as fond of slow service as he is of the beauty of beer."

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Vague Expressionism

My mind lives in the gutter. It prefers the gutter to what's actually going on inside my head and I don't blame it. But having been down in the gutter so god damn long, everything sure looks like up to me. My mind takes something a little bit country and makes it a little bit rock and roll and what beautiful soliloquy someone speaks I take and twist into something tawdry and terrible.

Not everything is dirty and not everything has sexual overtones. It should, and my shy schoolboy side says it does, but it doesn't. Nonetheless my repressed soft white underbelly segues something sweet and pure and turns it into something dirty and disgusting. Below are a handful of comments that upon first hearing I assumed were vague expressions for sex, but upon a second reading, may not be.

1. Joe's in the basement.
2. Can I get a Red-Headed Slut?
3. Who wants to chug?
4. Is Yuengling still on special?
5. Are you watching this?
6. Can you plug this in for me?
7. Give me some sugar.
8. The front is open, but the back is closed.
9. Joe went downstairs.
10. That door doesn't lock.
11. Go around to the other side.
12. Can you put it on for me?
13. Who's up next?
14. Why is this sign by the back door?

Joefucius: The Analects

Book 10, Verse 13

When drinking at a village gathering, he left as soon as those carrying Oregon Ducks football helmets left.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Are You Ready for Some Foosball?

Football. I meant football. Are you ready for some football?

Jayzus. I'd love to blame the idjit that invented the qwerty keyboard that put the s so close to the t (and that's not a euphemism for the wind that shakes the barley (which is a euphemism for putting the biscuit in the basket (which is a euphemism for plowing the fields (which is a euphemism for doing it (which is a euphemism for good craic))))) but I have nobody but myself and my inability to not type and post when I'm three sheets to the wind (which is a euphemism for being shitfaced (which is not a euphemism for taking a #2 (which is a euphemism for taking a dump (which is not a euphemism for going to visit the local recycling center) but which is not a euphemism for offering chocolate brownies to the porcelain god))).

The whole point being that the NFL season starts this Thursday and Summers should have the football game on television, provided you call ahead (no), be very specific, promise to spend a lot of money, know someone that acutally works at the bar (and if you know someone that work a the bar can you ask them to get me another drink (which is not a euphemism for yanking (which is not a euphemism for the New York Yankees) my chain(which is a euphemism for my chain (which is a euphemisn for my pecker (yes))))), follow up with that person by asking them directly and in person and then by sending them a facebook status update because they check their phones more than they check their customers, and have twenty minutes to kill while Joe goes downstairs and tries to find your game on the satellite (which is a euphemism for competing in the Olympics in the javelin) and then comes up stairs (yes) with a bogus excuse about the fact your game is not on television even though the ESPN scroll has score updates and stats from the game.

So in conclusion, Thursday, Summers, Real Football (not futbol).

Joefucius: The Analects

Book 7, Verse 20

Joe said, "I was not born with knowledge but, being old and of antiquity, I am quick to pretend I have it."

Monday, September 5, 2011

You Don't Love Me

Bartender, you don't love me
You don't love me yes I know
Bartender, you don't love me
You don't love me yes I know
But my glass is completely dry
I've got nothing to do but cry

I'm gonna tell your boss, Joe
I'm gonna tell him you're slow
I'm gonna tell your Facebook friends
The level of service really depends
I'm gonna tell everbody
What those terrible bartenders will do to you

Goodbye now, pretty bartender,
If I don't see you no more.
Goodbye now, pretty bartender,
If I don't see you no more.
If you think I'll wait that long for a drink
Lord,you better be on your merry way.

Joefucius: The Analects

Book 1, Verse 1:

Joe said, "Is it not a pleasure, having learned how to serve customers, to try and serve them at due intervals? Is it not a joy to have customers come from afar? Is it not gentlemanly not to take offence when customers fail to appreciate your bartending abilities?"

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Pirates of the Red Room: At Wit's End

I admit it.

I can't get over a guy wearing a pirate hat with a plume. Especially when he looks like Geoffrey Rush and sounds like Matthew McCougnahey in Dazed and Confused. Now Dazed and Confused is a great movie, but Cap'n Sam is a terrible host.

First, he looks like an actual pirate. Who the hell wants to sing karaoke with a pirate? If I had a nickel for every time he forced me to sing Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum, I'd have enough to buy a Summers sampler platter.

Why would I want to buy a Summers sample patter? I don't know. I've been in Malaysia for a year and I forgot how terrible the food was and I wanted all the horrible memories and the terrible indigestion flooding back at once. I would never actually buy a Summers sample platter. I just said Summers sample platter because I like the alliteration.

Second, he's got no friends. Mostly because he's a pirate, who can trust him? I also don't think he has friends because he doesn't actually bring any customers to Summers. They're all too afraid that he will make them walk the plank. Or sing a Cher song. The only people that show up for karaoke are people that actually think he's Geoffrey Rush and they ask him about Shine and the King's Speech.

Third, most people are here because its Friday night, not because Cap'n Barbossa is getting a crew together to storm Port Royale and steal the dead man's chest. You turned everyone in the Red Room into zombies and that's a curse, but that doesn't mean you're in charge. It just means that you were in the right place at the right time and were the beneficiary of the "Who Wants to Chug?" mantra that turned everyone into drunken pirate zombies in the first place.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Be-Labor Day Weekend

I hate to belabor day the point, but its nice to have a bartender that knows what they're doing working the Red Room. By no small coincidence, it was nice to see John Sturm back in circulation this week. One night he was working, I saw a customer got a beer before their other beer was done. No waiting? Well, paint my doorstop pink and call me Sally. Maybe Joe's had a change of heart and actually wants to serve customers in the Red Room. It would be a nice change of pace.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Sweet Smell of September

I love the smell of September in the um, what time is it, Joe runs the red room like a casino and I can never tell what time it is. Seriously, someone help me out here. Anyone got the time? You with the hair, when did you get here? How long have you been waiting for that beer? I know it seems like forever, but that's not helping me.

Doesn't anyone actually wear a watch anymore oh wait I can just look it up on my phone, you know if I had a phone and opposable thumbs instead of a doorstop, and I'm not bitter because Joe said he was going to give me a raise, next time, and I won't hold my breath but the reflection off the windows says its late evening and I should be on break because because its Thursday and who the hell comes to Summers on a Thursday, but I'm just cranky because I haven't used the old door stop in weeks, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, as I was saying, I love the sweet smell of September, it smells like customers.

This place has been a ghost town since the Caps choked in the playoffs.


Its has also been a long hot summer listening to customers watch CNN and the bikini channel. It will be nice to have some real sports on those hi def tv (cough_bullshit_cough) scattered about the bar. And whether they're hi def tvs or not, it will be nice to have some real sports fans in the red room watching some real sports.