Sunday, September 4, 2011

Pirates of the Red Room: At Wit's End

I admit it.

I can't get over a guy wearing a pirate hat with a plume. Especially when he looks like Geoffrey Rush and sounds like Matthew McCougnahey in Dazed and Confused. Now Dazed and Confused is a great movie, but Cap'n Sam is a terrible host.

First, he looks like an actual pirate. Who the hell wants to sing karaoke with a pirate? If I had a nickel for every time he forced me to sing Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum, I'd have enough to buy a Summers sampler platter.

Why would I want to buy a Summers sample patter? I don't know. I've been in Malaysia for a year and I forgot how terrible the food was and I wanted all the horrible memories and the terrible indigestion flooding back at once. I would never actually buy a Summers sample platter. I just said Summers sample platter because I like the alliteration.

Second, he's got no friends. Mostly because he's a pirate, who can trust him? I also don't think he has friends because he doesn't actually bring any customers to Summers. They're all too afraid that he will make them walk the plank. Or sing a Cher song. The only people that show up for karaoke are people that actually think he's Geoffrey Rush and they ask him about Shine and the King's Speech.

Third, most people are here because its Friday night, not because Cap'n Barbossa is getting a crew together to storm Port Royale and steal the dead man's chest. You turned everyone in the Red Room into zombies and that's a curse, but that doesn't mean you're in charge. It just means that you were in the right place at the right time and were the beneficiary of the "Who Wants to Chug?" mantra that turned everyone into drunken pirate zombies in the first place.

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