Sunday, November 27, 2011

Top 10 Reasons to Give Thanks

Summers is much maligned in these pages (not that anyone reads them), but the recent passage of American Thanksgiving has given me pause to stop and smell the roses and reflect on the reasons that I give thanks for Summers. So, without further ado, or Freddy Adu, the top ten reasons I am thankful for Summers:

10. Cheap Pint Night on Thursday.
9. Gino Azzouzi.
8. Sliders Special on Wednesday.
7. Non-Red Room Bathroom doors that lock.
6. Shawn, Lika & John
5. Red Room Regulars.
4. Yeungling.
3. The patio.
2. Half-price burgers.
1. The convenience.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Top 10 Crimes & Misdeamnors

10. Tipping your bartender $1.
9. Trying to watch your game on tv.
8. Walking through the kitchen on UFC night.
7. Substituting rice for fries.
6. Trying to order a last happy hour beer.
5. Disagreeing with the Foursquare mayor.
4. Expexting more from Summers.
3. Questioning Joe's business decisions.
2. Complaining about the service.
1. Skipping out on your bill.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Top 10 Undisclosed Locations

The Red Room was deader than the Redskins bandwagon and Rick Perry's presidential ambitions put together tonight.

Being by myself all evening game me time to ponder my pathetic position and sorry situation but all I could think about is where I would rather be.

Here's a list of the top ten places I would rather have been tonight:

1. Work.
2. The DMV.
3. The Titanic.
4. Watching the movie Titanic.
5. My first Sadie Hawkins dance.
6. The Sea of Tranquility.
7. My grandmother's funeral.
8. Baltic or Mediterranean Avenue.
9. Vomiting off Key Bridge.
10. At Band Camp.
11. Four Courts.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Sammi Says

Sammi, don't forget about us, don't baby, don't baby, don't let it go,
don't baby, don't baby, don't forget about us. Don't baby, don't baby,
don't baby you know, forget about your customers. I know Joe is tbe
situation, but do your job.I thought we were bigger than this, I
thought I was bigger than this but details don't matter when
we pay the price for your complete disregard for customer service.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Phoreign Aphairs

Let's phace phacts, Summers ain't the only game in town. Summers ain't even in the only town. Here at Slumlog, its our duty duty to phigure out what other games are out there and what our towns might be out there.

To that end, we sent beat reporter Phineas Phogg to Philadelphia.

Here is the story Phineas philed:

There are many bars in Philadelphia. Most of them are phantastic. I didn't get to go to as many bars as I hoped because the stipend was pitiphul and my sample size was small, but here's what I learned. It doesn't matter how bartenders are dressed. You can put liptsick on a pig or corporate gear on a server, but unless the service is good it don't make no difference no how. Good tunes make a big dipherence too. Good beer helps, but good prices help more. Good phood is a must, but Philly is the land of cheese steaks and has an unphair advantage over Arlington which is the land of Summers sliders. I didn't get to see as many places as I wanted but I saw quite a phew and if there's one thing I phound, its that Summers has a long way to go to pheel more like a real bar and Joe has a lot to phigure out to make that happen.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Monday Bloody Mary Monday

I can't believe the news today
I can't close my eyes
Because the bartender will go away
How long...
How long must I wait for a drink

Broken bottles under patron's cars
Empty glasses strewn across both of the bars
But my bartender won't heed my call
I just want another Bloody Mary
Puts my back up against the Red Room wall

Monday, Bloody Mary Monday

It doesn't help it was about the worst Bloody Mary I've ever had. No taste, no spice, no accoutrements. I know the mid-day schedule at Summers sucks but that doesn't mean that your drinks should. Make me a decent drink and I might come back. Don't take Joe's inability to bring in customers out on me.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Joe Pa

1. They're not kids, but its still gross.
2. Who the hell is the other chick?
3. Oh Mya God.
4. Can I get a raise?
5. Me Love You Long Time.
6. How did you escape my dungeon?
7. Holla back girl.
8. Have you seen my javelin?
9. Bring out the gimp.
10. You ladies here to work or salsa?
11. Bitches ain't shit.
12. I own this bar.
13. Spell chloroform
14. Spot the one that hasn't run this place into the fucking ground.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

No Green is Good Green with the GWashington GCapitals

This is GMike Green GBobblehead and the no Ginjury Gnews is Good Gnews show, the only Gonline Ginjury Gnews Gprorgram Guaranteed to contain no Good Ginjury Gnews whatsoever. My Ginjured Gknee is so Gsore I may Gnever Gplay Gagain. Gisn't it Gironic considering GMike Green does Gnothing Gbad or Gnothing Gwrong ever. I Gjust Gplay Ghockey. GOAL! I Gjust got done Gsaying Gnothing ever bad gets Greported on my Gshow. Gshape up you Guys. And play some Gother Gucking Gefense so I don't have to Gblock Gshots with my Gknee.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Craps Fans

From Slumlogpedia, the free encyclopedia of total bullshit

Craps is a dice game in which bandwagon fans of the hockey team wager on the outcome of the roll, or the game they are pretending to watch because they're not really watching the hockey game because they're too busy hootin and hollerin or stylin and profilin to even know there's a fucking game on which they can't even see because their Dolce & Gabbana caps are slung so low over their bloodshoot eyes they can't even see the ice let alone the scoreboard and all the bling they're wearing apparently interferes with the radio reception of the in-house announcer who just explained what the fuck happened on the ice so quit jawin and pay attention and there's no need to holla at your idjit friend sitting right next to you for the 411 on what just hizzled on the izzle because your drunk ass can't focus on the game and your dumb ass doesn't know what the rules of the game are and nothing personal but were you raised in a fucking barn because your drunk dumb ass should know when to sit and when to stand and if your Mom saw you yellin and jellin like Magellen during the National Anthem she would wash your mouth out with soap so study the rules of the fucking game, know your limits and respect the presence of others. Its dumb idjits like you that give the rest of the bandwagon Craps fans a bad name.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Pearl of the Quarter

On the water down in New Orleans
My baby's the pearl of the quarter
She's a charmer like Summers never seen

Where the sailor spend his hard-earned pay
Red beans and rice for a quarter
You can see her almost any day

And if you hear from Mya Louise
Won't you tell her I say hello
Please make it clear
When her day is done
She has to be at Summers

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Go on Take the Money And Run

I've done a lot of crazy shit in the one or two times that I have accidentally ended up at Summers. There was the one time I busted a hole in the wall because the Golden Tee machine ate my quarters. There was that ONE time where I drank too much. There was also that time I tried to walk through the kitchen because I didn't want to pay the cover for a UFC fight. There was the time that I yelled Oregon Sucks! instead of Oregon Ducks. Then there was that time that I tried to eat some tin foil, hot sauce, hard-boiled egg, salt, pepper, cigarette ash, a piece of a moldy tile and a dollop of whatever was left in Sonny's bucket after he washed the floor in the Red Room unisex bathroom.

Even so, for the number of stupid mo fucking dumbass things that I have done over the course of my "career" at Summers, I have never taken the money and run.

I've never run out, walked out, sneaked out, crawled out, begged out, whimped out, sauntered out, stumbled out (i have stumbled out but that's besides the fucking point, just wait for the punchline), fallen out, freaked out, tripped out, laid out, laid about or passed out on a tab/bill/cheque at Summers.

As bad as the service might be on any given night (or any given sunday), that's no reason to skip out on your tab. I'm not pointing fingers, I'm just saying.

Just pay your fucking bartender and complain about it behind their back like I do.


Tuesday, November 1, 2011


You know, its amazing to me what #winning does for a sports franchise. The Washington Capitals win a couple of games and all of a sudden everyone's a hockey fan. Or dresses up as a hockey fan, I mean its still Halloween, right? I saw a couple of people dressed up as hockey fans when I was out this evening. I knew they weren't real hockey fans because they were wearing Caps jerseys and wondering why the referees are always raising their arms.

But are any Caps fans real hockey fans? I'm not even sure they're real sports fans. This is still a Redskins town, and its much easier to cheer for another Washington franchise when the Redskins suck worse than the St. Louis Rams. And Caps fans don't wear their gear or show their respect on any day besides game day (like the two yokels referenced above). Where were all these people in 2003-2004 when the Caps sucked donkey testes?

If you're a hockey fan, you're a hockey fan. If you're a Caps fan, you're a Caps fan. Don't be a fan just because the team is #winning.

It is like being a Summers fan. Don't come to Summers just because the service is first-rate and the food is awesome, come to Summers because you enjoy coming to Summers when the service is slow and the food is crap but the company is #winning.