Monday, August 30, 2010

Mmmm, Zesty!

Is it just me, or are the Buffalo Chicken Strips at Summers really darn good? They are holding a steady lead in the opinion polls over the previously popular Chicken Quesadilla and the always safe Burger and the "they have that here?" Mexican options. As we approach another highly anticipated year of football, I'd recommend everyone try the Buffalo Strips. Zesty!

Are You Ready For Some Football?

I can't wait until football season starts so people will actually show up on Sundays and pull my handle.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Hell Is Around The Corner

Is it just me or is it still hot as hell outside?

As Tricky says, "Heat from the sun somedays slowly passes, until then you have to live with yourself" and yes sometimes evil watches from the precipice because hell is around the corner.

Know what else is hot as hell this Summer? Summers' Red Room.

As Tricky might also say, that shit is off the hook. Ironically enough, the Red Room is around the corner from the side door. I'm not sure if it was painted to look like Hell, but when I'm the only person sitting at the bar and my glass is empty and Mya is working, I feel like I'm trapped in the second circle of hell with that wicked carnal malefactor.

To be fair, Joe really rolled out the Red Room carpet on this one. He had special Red Room signs made. He put up special Red Room lights. He even got special pint glasses for his beer specials.

The Red Room is about to blow up for realz folks. Come visit before it gets too trendy, or before football seasons starts because you won't be able to get a seat, let alone your game on tv.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Unusually Frightening Couplets

Breaker, Breaker, I got a new tattoo and I look like a trucker
I had a bad day at work, this chick in my office is a fucker

Bedazzler, Bedazzler, I will not watch Pirhana in 3D
I don't need to watch a fish devour a human pee-pee

Oregon, Oregon, I'll come to Summers to watch my Ducks
But all the teams are better than us which totally sucks

Kid A, Kid A, stop copying other peoples' work
Seriously, it makes you look like a total jerk

Mya, Mya, seriously why are you still a bartender?
Where is Elvis Presely, so he can return to sender?

Peroni, Peroni, I know you're special, but why do they still have a keg?
Seriously Joe, get rid of that crap, please don't make me beg.

Red room, red room, don't you wish you were green?
Joe should return things to the way they've always been

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Slummersterranean Homesick Alien

The breath of the boring
I keep forgetting
The smell of the warm slummers air

I live in Arlington
Where you can't smell a thing
You watch your beer
For Mya won't be back

Up above
Maltans hover
Making home movies
For the folks in the basement

Of all the weird bar owners
Who lock up their spirits
Drill holes in their patrons
Joe has the most secrets

He's so uptight (x7)

Monday, August 23, 2010

The Red Room Queen

"The Red Room Queen I pictured as a fury, but of another type; her passion must be cold and calm--she must be formal and strict, and even unkindly; pedantic to the 10th degree, the concentrated essence of all bad bartenders."

- Lewis Carroll, in "Mya on the Stage"

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Restaurant Week

Is it just me or is it weird that Summers wasn't part of Restaurant week?

I love Summers and I love Restaurant week, its seems that restaurant week at Summers would be a match made in heaven. Alas, such was not the case and as a result George is getting upset. Serenity Now, serenity now.

I don't want to get off on a rant here, but why is Summers not part of restuarant week? Sure the food ain't the super awesomest, and nothing on the menu is worth $35 a person, but isn't Restaurant Week just as much about the experience as it is about the food?

Summers is more Arlington than Arlington is, and nobody is ever going to forget their first trip to Summers. If Restaurant Week is about the best that Arlington has to offer, Summers should get a shot anway. If Restaurant Week is about telling eveyone else what Arlington is about, Summers is what Arlington is about, and if Restaurant Week is about enjoying yourself and having a good time, then Summers is, well, I have always found something to enjoy.

Albert Painsworth

I still don't have any feet, but if I did I would kick Albert Haynesworth's fat ass.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Fado, Fadon't

It is a far, far better bar that I go to, than I have ever been to; it is a far, far better bartender that I go to, than I have ever known.

It was like A Tale of Two Cities, or at least like a tale of two bars.

In my neverending quest to find a bar that I enjoy as much as Summers, I ventured further afield than I usally do and crossed the bridge to brigadoon and went to a bar downtown. Normally I'm afraid to go to a bar downtown because Metro is so terrible I'm afraid I'll never get back to Virginia before midnight and I will be trapped in a mystical small town for a hundred years, although I'd rather be trapped in a small Scottish hamlet than the District.

Anyway, I met a friend downtown and we decided to go to Fado. [Disclaimer]*.

Fado is so much nicer when bandwagon Caps fans are not jamming the aisles like so many hobbits in this middle-earth style bar. You can also carry on a conversation, and it doesn't have to be about how awesome Mike Green is (seriously, PLAY SOME DEFENSE), or how Ovie is the best captain in the league.

There are so many things that Fado does right that it makes Summers look like Fadon't. Fado has good food and bartenders that try and pour me a beer before my other beer is done.

On the other hand, you're paying DC prices at Fado. Beer is just cheaper in Virginia because everyone is drinking moonshine or russian trashcans. Two, you're in Virginia, you're not in DC, DC doesn't even have a congressional representative for christ's sake. Three, Summers isn't an irish bar so you don't have random jackasses playing "Take Me Home Country Road" in the style of the Irish Rovers or playing "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)" in the style of the Barish Grovers. Okay first of all, the Proclaimers are Scottish, not Irish. Second, they don't measure distance in miles, they measure it in kilometers. But I digress.

Fado was a nice change of pace and Mean Joe Luck of the Irish Green could learn another thing or two about dealing with people from a bar like Fado that has so much traffic, but Summers is like my own pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, it is a treasure I wouldn't trade for anything.

* - I like irish bars becuase I've been to Ireland twice and I have a thing for Catholics.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Never Try Eating Nectarines

since juice may dispense.

Eight is Enough. Who knew that Cheapskate Joe would actually extend happy hour until 8 PM. Who knew that he would actually stick with something for more than two weeks.

Who knew that the blue tape holding up the happy hour signs would still hold, because when he used it to tape up the Peroni special signs, that blue tape seemed to give out and lose its stickiness after like three hours because all the signs disappeared before the end of the evening. I have to assume the signs were all on the floor because I know that Joe is a marketing genius and he wouldn't take down signs on the same night he put them up, epsecially after all the time he took to format them on his HP LaserJet printer and bought yellow paper from Office Depot.

I actually went into Summers tonight to test my hypothesis that it would not in fact be happy hour at 7:15 PM and that all the signs that I had accidently stumbled upon near the very back of the red room, near the exit, which isn't an exit because you can't actually escape and believe me I know because I tried to climb the fence once but my tie got caught on one of the spikes and I had to call Sonny for help and he rescued me but then made me go back inside and pay my bill; that those signs wouldn't still be hanging on the walls, but they were and I was impressed.

The signs were still up and it was still happy hour at 7:15.

Joe 1, Doubting Thomas 0.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Joe Love & Special Sauce

In the words of my favorite G Love & Special Sauce tune, I'm sitting here and I can't believe all the measures you've taken to cheat, lie and deceive me and all of your friends. Don't Pull the Wool over my eyes Joe.

To wit, I was checking out the Summers Restaurant Web site today and read something about Summers offering an innovative and compelling concept for the casual diner.

I will give you compelling. I feel compelled to go there because I'm addicted. Yes, its a drug.

But innovative?

I graduated with a degree in history not english so I'm not sure what innovative means. I thought it meant new. There's nothing really new or innovative about Summers unless you count the red room, and it doesn't really add much to the ambiance. There's nothing unusual about the high-definition televisions unless you consider they can't play the game you want to watch. There's really nothing innovative on the menu unless you count Molson Canadian, and I don't because Canadians can't count. They use the metric system which is total bullshit.

Whoever is updating the Summers Web site needs a thesaurus.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Redskins Red Room Bandwagon

I don't have any feet, but if I did, I would jump on the Redskins bandwagon.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

I Do Not Fear Moby Dick, I fear the half-caf double-decaf no foam soy latte

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but what the hell is up with coffee snobs at Starbucks?

I went to my local Sbux for a large cup of coffee (just call it a large, venti is pretentious) this morning, and felt underdressed in my t-shirt and jeans amongst all the yuppie coffee snobs ordering no-foam-fat-free-soy-lattes and chai iced teas with a twist of lemon.

Its just coffee. Get over yourselves.

That's one of the things I love about Summers. There is no pretense there. And there sure as hell ain't no yuppies* there or they would get their back bacon handed to them in a toque by the fiesty canucks on Molson Canadian Night, eh?

At Summers, its all about the beer.

Its not about the people (The Good), its not about the food (The Bad), the service (Ugly), and its not about the interior decorating although the new red light district in the new red room is growing on me like the insidious ear worm that it is, it is about the beer.

I love Summers because that beer ain't decaf or fat free and a large is a large.

* - you can tell the yuppies because they wear ascots and order martinis.

Friday, August 13, 2010

You Can't Teach An Old Joe New Tricks

Apparently Summers has extended its summer happy hour hours.

I am just as happy as the next person that I can drink cheap, warm, flat Yuengling for another hour, until 8 PM, as the next person, but why am I only finding out about this now?

I saw one sign, halfway down the hall near the back of the Red Room but I missed it the first time because it was sandwiched between two giant UFC posters. I know Joe tires, but seriously.

Someone should be yelling this from the rooftops! Or at least the roof of Summers, and while you're up there, can you move the satellite dish so I can watching my fucking game on tv?

Thursday, August 12, 2010

New Happy Hour Hours at Summers this Summer

This is the word on the floor from Summers New Door
I think its great that happy hour has been extended to 8.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Dr. Seuss is in Heaven and Weird Al is in Limbo Now

Alright, stop!  Collaborate and listen!

I'm about to bring to your attention a confession, a mention of a pension for this session in regression.  My suggestion is a dare, driven by a rare care about you-know-where.  What do you suppose I propose? Prose. I arose this dawn with a yawn, and looking out upon my lawn I was agog at this very blog just beaming with a stream of keen mean green scheme gleam. I was like, "Alright already!  Who needs a rant? This aunt!"  My reaction was to seek some satisfaction in breaking a tradition for the sake of new addition.  At first I thought I can't, but then I put on my pants, glanced at my plants, did a little dance, and decided to take a chance.  To break the habit, rabbit!  Slaughter that fodder.  Trade vanity for insanity with a vow to somehow plow through a post or two without a foundation of unoriginal inspiration, without a framework of the same work done done already and just sitting in my head, be it something I read or whatever was said, whether I had heard a word or a third.  So look out, Slummers.  It's a new paradigm this time.  I'm looking at you with a new view, it's true.  Don't complain, my bane.  I remain the same inside while riding on a different tide. Yours truly from Slumlog, slog1 (not Ess-dog).      

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Gino Hears a Who

On the fifteenth of September, in the jungle of the Red room
Before the cold of November, and days of Redskins doom
He was drinking...enjoying the jungle's great joys...
When Gino the Snuffleupagus heard a small noise.

So Gino stopped drinking. He looked towards the sound.
"That's funny," thought Gino. "There's no one around."
Then he heard it again! Just a very faint yelp
As if some tiny bartender was calling for help
"I'll help you," said Gino. "But who are you? Where?"
He looked and he looked. He could see nothing there
But a small speck of dust blowing past through the air.

"I say!" murmured Gino. "I've never heard jack
from a small bartender that has such a tiny rack.
So you know what I think?... Why, I think that there must
Be some Mya on top of that small speck of dust!
Some sort of bartender of very slow service
so inept and clueless it makes her nervous...

"...some poor little bartneder who's shaking with fear
That she'll drown in her own drool! She needs to get me a beer!
I'll just have to yell at her. Because, and I'm not happy,
A bartender's a bartender, no matter how crappy."

Summers Rambler

Did you hear about the Summers Rambler? The Screaming Eagles got to go
Did you hear about the Summers Rambler, the one that locked Summers New Door?

He don't give a hoot of warning, wrapped up in his funny looking hat
He don't leave til the light of the morning. He just split, he thinks he saw a rat

Talkin' 'bout the Summers Rambler, the one you wish you'd never seen before
Talkin' 'bout the midnight gambler. Did you see him jump on the German bandwagon?
Sighing down the wind so softly, Listen and you hear him moan

Did you hear about the Summers Rambler? He'll leave his footprints up and down the Red room hall
Did you hear about the Summers Rambler? Did you see me pretend to make a phone call?

And if you catch the Summers Rambler, I'll steal his girlfriend right from under his nose
Well, I should go easy with my cold fandango
I'll stick my knife right down his throat
Baby, and it hurts!

Green Eggs & Summers New Door

You are Summers New Door
Summers New Door you are

That Summers New Door
That Summers New Door!
I do not like that Sumers New Door

Do you like
Green eggs, the color of Summers' walls?

I do not like them Summers-New-Door
I do not like the color of Summers walls

Would you like them at Niagara Falls?

I would not like them at Niagara Falls
I would not like them at casting calls

I would not like them painted by Lou Rawls
I would not like them covered in soccer balls

I would not like them with Cabbage Patch dolls
I would not like them if I was working with awls

I would not like them if i was smoking pall malls
I would not like them if i was friends with y'alls

I do not like green eggs or Summers New Door
I also do not much like Summers Old Floor

Sunday, August 8, 2010

One Fish, Two Fish, Red Room

One fish two fish red room blue fish
Black fish blue fish Joe should play Go fish
Summers has a red room and that makes me blue
Summers tiles are moldy and none of them are new
I haven't been to Summers in a month and that makes me sad
I haven't been to Summers in a month and I know that Mya is glad
Why should I be sad when Mya is glad? I don't know. Go ask your Dad.
Some people are thin and some are fat. The annoying one has a yellow hat.
From broom to swiffer, swiffer to broom, lots of funny people in the red room.
Here are some people who like to run, they run for fun in the hot hot sun.
Oh me, Oh my, I had lots fun in Parry Sound.
Oh me, Oh my, I'm glad to be back on home ground.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Slummandoah Lullaby

Oh Summers-O, I bong to clear you
Away, above my liver
Oh Summers-O, I bong to clear you
Away, I’ll blow away, on some dried potpourri

Oh Summers-O, I chug your water
Away, above my liver
Four eyes did hop a lonely charter
Today, it sounds okay, and it’s time to hurry

Oh Summers I’m allowed to tease you
Away, above my liver
Oh Summers-O, I’ll plot to leave you
Or stay, and curse the day, or cross a hanging jury

Oh Summers-O, I volunteer you
Away, above my liver
Oh Summers they aren’t wrong to fear you
Away, this moldy day, from your tiles and floory


I miss old-school arcade games like Frogger.

The green nausea-inducing walls of Summers make me miss Frogger more.

Which reminds me that Mean Joe Frogger could learn a thing or two about drawing a crowd, even up hear at the northern end of Georgian Bay, up here in the middle of nowhere.

Someone down the beach hosted a frog hunt today. All you had to do was show up with a net, a bucket and BYOB. Oh, and catch frogs. 50 people showed up to catch frogs. Nobody actually caught a frog, well I think the little fat kid did but I'm pretty sure I saw his grandfather pull a frog and some tadpoles out of a bucket in his cooler, but this is Canada so nobody actually get called out for cheating. Anyway, such a simple little premise; wonder out in the bog and try and catch some frogs, and so many people showed up.

I think I'm the only person that shows up specifically for Molson Canadian on Molson Canadian night at Summers, but I'm sure if Mean Joe Green hosted a frog hunt (or a rat hunt) more people would show up and more people would show up on a more consistent basis.

Not a sermon, just a thought.