Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Garbage Bag Trees

I've never been to the 100th meridian. Even so, I wondered what was in a Summers Garbage Salad. Being naturally curious I asked my source (me, not anyone else). The ingredients are:

1. Mixed greens. 2. Mike Green. 3. Six Mix-A-lot. 4.Shrimp. 5. Detlef Schrempf. 6. Tiger Shrimp. 7. Tiger Woods. 8. Detroit Tigers. 9. Detroit Lions. 10. How about them Detroit Lions? 11. I thought the Lions were the worst football team ever. 12. I guess I was wrong. 13. Who knew? 14. I sure didn't. 15. I mean how about that Matt Stafford? 16. He's better than Drew Stafford. 17. Hockey references are lost on you Philistines. 18. Speaking of Philistines how about those Phillies? 19. Or Phylers? 20. Or Pheagles? 21. Or Phantoms? 22. What's with the ph spelling anyway? 23. Is it a measure of how acidic Philly is? 24. Because Philly is actually base. 25. Chemisty joke. 26. A Chemisty PhD couldn't tell you what is in this salad. 27. Salami. 28. [insert joke here]. 29. [dont insert actual salami here]. 30. That's just gross. 31. Unless you're Tiger Woods. 32. Which is still gross. 33. But has celebrity appeal. 34. Because sexting is cool. 35. For celebrities. 36. Not for Phat asses like me. 37. Or for Philo dough. 38. Which makes people phat. 39. Or Phil Collins. 40. Who is phucking crazy. 41. Have you heard No Jacket Required? 42. What if you have a Members Only jacket?. 42. Its like the immovable object versus the irresitable phorce. 43. Which reminds me that Verus shows hockey games. 44. Not hokey games. 45. Nor Hokie games. 46. Nor the hokey pokey. 47. That's on the Spice Channel. 48. Not the Spice Girls Channel. 49. Altough I think I saw Scary Spice on the Spice Girls Channel. 50. Not that I watch. 51. But I was scared anyway. 52. And what was the Genesis of my phear? 53. That terrible album 54. You know the one. 55. OMG. 56. If I have to explain it to you then my point is lost. 57. Which depheats the purpose. 58. Which was mocktoberphestering Summers. 59. Or the Garbage Bag Salad. 60. Which has Radishes. 61. No ophense to Joe, but where the hell did he get radishes? 62. My great great GREAT grandmother grew radishes in her vegetable garden in Smethport, Pennsylvania after the Civil War. 63. War Between the States. 64. War of Northern Agression. 65. Same Dipherence. 66. Unless you're near the Mason-Dixon Line. 67. Which reminds me, its been a while since I've been to Dixie Liquors. 68. And where the phuck are you supposed to park to pick up a keg. 69. The Garbage Salad is $10.69. 69. 69. 69. 69. 69. 69. 69. Number 69. Number 69. Number 69. Number 69. 70. Is that a Number 9/John Lennon repherence? 71. No. 72. Be honest. 73. Yes. 74. I knew it. 75. Phhhhhbbbbt!. 76. You're so cheezy. 77. Mozarella cheese. 78. White Cheese. 79. Yellow Cheese. 80. Whatever cheese we found in the fridge. 81. That's my science experiment! 82. Are you trying to grow penicillium cultures? 82. I don't have to, I can harvest them from the ceiling tiles. 83. Ceiling tiles? 84. The ones in the Red Red Room. 85. Red onions. 86. Green onions? 87. The salad will turn you green. 88. It is called garbage. 89. Speaking of garbage, what the hell is Pepperorincini? 90. Phatty Meat? 91. [insert joke here] 92. [dont insert phatty meat]. 93. Please. 94. Celery. 95. Roasted Red Peppers. 96. Mushrooms. 97. I wish I mean did you ever hear the Allman Brothers play Good Morning Little Schoolgirl because it was the best version I ever heard not that I actually heard it since I more so felt it because the light was bending with the notes after I ate those mushrooms. 98. Black Olives. 99. Cucumbers. 100. Italian Dressing.

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