Sunday, March 20, 2011

Help Wanted

Wanted to let the readers of Slumlog know there is a job opening at Summers. It could be the dream of your lifetime, so the details are below.

Joe Title: Underpaid Nobody
Company Name: Summers Restaurant & Sports Bar
Location: Above-Ground but mostly in the dungeon
Job Type: Part-Time
Experience: If you've had a job before you wouldn't work here
Position in the Company: Bent over, kneeling, prone
Duties: Not serving customers when their drink is empty, not putting a game on the television when the customers asks for it coming up with a lame excuse as to why the game can't be put on the television, forgetting what the customer ordered, overcharging customers for what they ordered, telling stupid jokes and even worse stories, stopping drunk customers from walking through the kitchen, not bringing customers food while it is still warm, not telling them about specials, and most importantly not telling them when the specials have changed
Responsibilities: 1. Disappear when the customer wants a drink. 2. Don't serve them Molson Canadian even on Molson Canadian night. 3. Don't speak English. 4. Pretend not to understand English. 5. Have the ability to turn invisible. 6. Spend more time learning to salsa dance than how to serve customers.
Working Conditions: Have you been here?
Salary: Not enough
Benefits: Are you fucking kidding me?

If anyone is interested please send your resume and a cover letter to or call (800) UST-UPID.

1 comment:

  1. It might help to bring job applicants in if you turn it into a contest that complete disregards talent. Have an open casting call and film the least qualified candidates. Then you could post the videos on the web and make enough money to hire a real bartender.