Hot on the heels of the efforts of Commissioner Gary Bettman to ban headshots from the NHL, Comissioner Mean Joe Green publicized his own efforts to ban everything at Summers. The list of specific items banned from Summers are:
1. Headshots - If Joe does anything well, it is copy bad ideas. No checking patrons near the boards.
2. Bodyshots - I haven't showered in three days and I see the other bodies in Summers and I wouldn't eat either one of the Summers fish specials off of anyone.
3. Naked Sushi - Summers has two fish specials, and although its raw when you order it, its not supposed to be. And I wouldn't eat any fish, raw or cooked or cooked the Summers way, off the body of anyone in Summers. Except maybe Mya, because when I bit her I would become a vampire too and I would become immortal.
5. Ipads on the bar - Seriously. What the fuck are you doing that can't be done with a well placed text message? And on the bar? That's just pretentious. Especially considering you can't update your own blog more than once every three months. Who do you think you are? Ashton Kutcher? Lady Gaga? If they both came into Summers with gold-plated ipads I would still hate them for being superclious over-achieving megalomaniacs.
6. Bandwagon Caps fans - You're good for business now, but what is going to happen when your team chokes on its own ego in the playoffs and comes up short again?
7. Customer Service - I think customer service got down-sized when Johnny left.
8. Rogue Facebook Pages - Who the fuck gives a shit what customers think?
9. Corporate Facebook Pages - Lead, follow or get out of the way. You can't play both sides. You either engage customers and make the business better, or you don't.
10. Green Chicken - Actually its not banned, its being featured. You can probably get a pint of World Cup Peroni on the side. No extra charge.
No extra charge except for the toll the green chicken and the nine-month old beer take on your digestive system on the way in and on the way out when you realize you just ate green chicken wings and drank a couple of pints of flat year-old beer.