Definition of Bases

Dear Slumlog, Some of the patrons at my bar talk about how their significant others got to first, second, or third base with them. I feel kind of left out because I don't know exactly what they are. Could you tell me what the bases are for girls and guys? I'd really appreciate it.

 —Grumpy Bartender

Dear Grumpy Bartender,

There is no "official" definition of what the bases represent. However, the following is a general guide to what they mean:

• First base = kissing, including open-mouth (French) kissing, drinking the Miller Lite 
• Second base = petting above the waist, including touching, feeling, and fondling the chest, breasts, and nipples, drinking the Yeungling 
• Third base = petting and/or orally stimulating below the waist, including touching, feeling, and fondling the vagina, clitoris, penis, and testicles, drinking the Sierra Nevada 
• Home run = sexual intercourse or drinking the Guinness 

These definitions are subject to change and can vary among different people, so don't be embarrassed to ask the person sitting across the bar from you exactly what they mean (and you probably aren't the only one who needs clarification). It's great that you want to be informed — asking is the best way to find out.

Sincerely,
Slumlog