Summers Advent Calendar 2013 - Day 4

On the fourth day of Advent, Joe gave to me... 

the admonition that...

Four score and seven months ago our fathers brought forth, upon this corner of Courthouse & Wilson, a new nation, conceived in Libations, and dedicated to the proposition that all customers are treated like crap.

Summers Advent Calendar 2013 - Day 3

On the third day of Advent, my true love gave to me... RG3.

...

Whoa...

Wait.

Hang on a second. I get the RG3-Third day of Advent connection, but is that really necessary? I mean RG3 isn't really that good of a quarterback and since the Redskins suck this year, he's not much of a gift. Can we trade down for a better Summers Advent Calendar selection?

Summers Advent Calendar 2013 - Day 2

It's not the second day of December either. Maxima mea culpa.We had back taxes we had to file and spent 18 months in prison because our attorney was too busy trying to calculate the income tax we were required to file rather than prepare our case for the courts after we placed a $1 bet with the Arlington County government based on the fact that we thought that Joe would have at lest two million customers a day for his coverage of the 2012 London Olympics. Sure, the odds were 1000-1 that he wouldn't have that many customers, but we believed in him even though it was the Olympics and even though NBC was showing events on four channels and even though he only had one sign and even though he wasn't open for most of the live coverage, our faith was rewarded and our bet came in and as a result we made a billion dollars on which we never paid income tax which got us thrown in jail which is why we have been so quiet the last 18 months. Tax evasion incarceration is a bitch.

So behind door number 2 are these wise words of advice: gambling is for suckers.

Summers Advent Calendar 2013 - Day 1

So what if it's not the first day of December? We were in the hospital due to smoke inhalation as a result of the fire in the print shop next door and we just came out of our coma and remembered our Blogger password. Just be glad we're back and accept that as your first gift of Advent.

Definition of Bases

Dear Slumlog, Some of the patrons at my bar talk about how their significant others got to first, second, or third base with them. I feel kind of left out because I don't know exactly what they are. Could you tell me what the bases are for girls and guys? I'd really appreciate it.

 —Grumpy Bartender

Dear Grumpy Bartender,

There is no "official" definition of what the bases represent. However, the following is a general guide to what they mean:

• First base = kissing, including open-mouth (French) kissing, drinking the Miller Lite 
• Second base = petting above the waist, including touching, feeling, and fondling the chest, breasts, and nipples, drinking the Yeungling 
• Third base = petting and/or orally stimulating below the waist, including touching, feeling, and fondling the vagina, clitoris, penis, and testicles, drinking the Sierra Nevada 
• Home run = sexual intercourse or drinking the Guinness 

These definitions are subject to change and can vary among different people, so don't be embarrassed to ask the person sitting across the bar from you exactly what they mean (and you probably aren't the only one who needs clarification). It's great that you want to be informed — asking is the best way to find out.

Sincerely,
Slumlog

Rocktoberfest

We here at Rogue Enterprises Inc apologize for our terrible record for posting to this blog during Sucktember 2012. Below is a partial list of the bullshit excuses our editorial team compiled:

1. We found a keg of Peroni left over from the World Cup and drank ourselves blind.
2. We were serving as replacement referees in the National Football League.
3. We're still trying to get over the fact the Red Room is non-smoking.
4. We were stuck on the Metro Blue Line for an entire month.
5. We were so distraught Joe canceled Wednesday karaoke.
6. We were too busy jumping on the Nationals bandwagon.
7. Its October already? Where the f' did the summer go?
8. Neither Obama nor Romney endorsed our message.
9. We've been trying to resolve the hockey lockout.
10. We've been rereading 50 Shades of Gray.
11. Kristen Stewart cheated on us.
12. We do not have Siri.
13 Nasdaq.
14. RG III.
15. ODB.
16. Ahmadinejad.
17. Maryland's Proposition7.
18. We're dumber than Ryan Lochte.
19. We depleted our supply of blue electrical tape.
20. Its Summers, what the hell did you really expect?

The Seven Habits of Highly Ineffective Bar Owners: Habit 3

Habit 3: Put First Things Last

Confuse the issue in your own mind and then don't tell employees what you're thinking and then evaluate their performance and compensation on ground rules you haven't even discussed with them. Avoid planning like the plague or avoid it like you avoid that customer who shows up like clockwork wearing their team gear and wants to see their team play on one of the many lo-def televisions that Summers. Use this opportunity to disappear into your dungeon for three hours and encourage the server to disappear to the light side because that's where the paying customers are. Execute the bar's tasks based on their least importance rather than urgency. Never evaluate your efforts but evaluate the efforts of others and criticize them for it even though you haven't explained the ground rules.  Refuse to exemplify your desired character values and then betray them. Propel yourself towards the all-mighty dollar and don't worry about your goals or your employees goals. Remember that enriching roles and relationships with customers, staff and even your own family is for  total losers.

The Seven Habits of Highly Ineffective Bar Owners: Habit 2

Habit 2: Procrastinate and Never Have a Goal In Mind

First, never ever create a mission statement. I can't emphasize this point enough. Never. Ever. Mission means work and statement means putting stuff in writing. Putting stuff in writing is bad because writing means more work and writing means committing to something which means employees or patrons could bring it up later under oath in litigation. Lord knows we all have enough commitment issues in our personal lives that we don't need to deal with them in our professional lives. Never commit to anything. Besides, how is one supposed to build on highly ineffective habit number one of taking everyone one knows completely by surprise to gauge their honest reaction if one commits to something ahead of time?  

Since you will never ever craft a mission statement, don't even bother envisioning your ideal bar or the ideal characteristics for you or your employees. It is a complete waste of time. Employees will always let you down.

Plus, envisioning the ideal work environment only means more work and you need to have the flexibility to completely dismantle your highly-abstract concept of the ideal work environment when that one customer comes in one time right off the street after a long-day of trying to figure out the baffling Washington Metropoitan Area Transit Authority metro system in which more than one train runs on one track and that train is always completely full and the train doesn't even drop them off by the museum they wanted to see and they're happy because they're on vacation and everyone else is not and maybe that's why does everyone looks so sad and these tourists are coming back after a long day of wandering around the National Mall in the hot hot sun where a bottle of water costs more than this family vacation they planned and they're hot and they're sweaty and they're mad and they're in the right frame of mind to offer solid business advice to the owner of the first restaurant they pass between the metro station and their hotel and no bar owner wants to be mired in an untenable position in which they cannot use the recently collected pearls of wisdom to the utmost strategic advantage because they're hamstrung by the completely useless business plan that the completely incompetent accountant made them draw up for the completely imaginary county regulators.

The Obvious Sonny

Why deny the obvious Sonny?

We had a lot of fun, we had a lot of money.
We had a little son, we thought we'd call him Sonny.
Sonny gets married and moves to Arlington to work at Summers.
Sonny has a bucket and bills to pay which is a total bummer.
Sonny gets sunnier day by day by day by day.

The Seven Habits of Highly Ineffective Bar Owners: Habit 1

Habit 1: Be Reactive

React, react, react, and then overreact.

If you want to be a completely useless and ineffective bar owner or manager, you need to react to past trends and overreact to customer and staff feedback. Javelin Joe at Summers is a shining exemplar of reaction and overreaction. He reacted well when he signed a non-exclusive contract to show the Olympics at Summers and he overreacted when he ordered ordered a million metres of blue electrical tape.

To make the most of your ineffectiveness, and completely bamboozle patrons and workers and confuse them beyond reasonable doubt, you must not only react, but overreact. Take what one customer says one time about one thing the one time they come in the establishment and make that a policy. Then change the policy when another customer comes in one other time and says something different. Remember not to tell regular customers or employees, because you want them to react too. It doesn't matter if the change in policy is four hours or twenty-four hours, you can't gauge people's reactions unless it a complete surprise.